Samson follows Goliath; A Panoramic

[20_Hamilton_18]

Revision#2

Samson follows Goliath;
       A Panoramic

 
She, just resting her eyes,
leans her head on my shoulder and
falls asleep. I try prodding
a gentle elbow
to the ribs
but she snores
turns over and dreams of
the ikat padding
tattered behind her.
Leaving me weary
but unsleeping
don’t want to miss
our destination as
Samson follows Goliath
climbing through fogged window
the sun rising at their backs
behemoths of the skyline
craning their necks to catch
a glimpse of us Kodak faced.
I’ve captured their likeness
with every little trip,
she’s seen them before,
scrolling through
thumbed holiday snaps and
said time and time again,
“wud like t’s’em me sen,”
but come tomorrow
it’ll be back to
thumbed photographs
again.




Revision#1

Samson follows Goliath;
       A Panoramic

 
She, just
resting her eyes,
leans her head
on my shoulder and
falls asleep.
I try prodding
a gentle elbow
to the ribs
but she snores
turns over and dreams of
the ikat padding
tattered behind her...
Leaving me weary
but unsleeping
don’t want to miss
our destination as
Samson follows Goliath
climbing through fogged window
the sun rising at their backs
behemoths of the skyline-
I’ve captured their likeness
with every little trip,
she’s seen them before,
scrolling through
thumbed holiday snaps and
said time and time again,
“wud like t’s’em me sen,”
but come tomorrow
it’ll be back to
thumbed photographs
again.


Original

Samson follows Goliath;
       A Panoramic

 
She, just
resting her eyes,
leans her head
on my shoulder and
falls asleep
ever so quickly —
I try prodding
a gentle elbow
to the ribs
but she snores noisily
turns over and dreams of
the ikat padding
tattered behind her...
Leaving me weary
but unsleeping
don’t want to miss
our destination as
 Samson follows Goliath
climbing through fogged window
the sun rising at their backs
behemoths of the skyline-
I’ve captured their likeness
with every little trip,
she’s seen them before,
scrolling through
thumbed holiday snaps and
said time and time again
“wud like t’s’em me sen”
but come tomorrow
it’ll be back to
thumbed photographs
again.

[Richard]

Hey 20_Hamilton_18,
Welcome to the site

I like the overall feel to this poem. However, my biggest suggestion would be to try to limit some of your wording in spots because it doesn't add much to what you're saying. I'll go into more detail below:

Samson follows Goliath;
       A Panoramic

 
She, just
resting her eyes,
leans her head
on my shoulder and
falls asleep
ever so quickly — -I would just say "quickly". The "ever so" isn't needed.
I try prodding
a gentle elbow
to the ribs
but she snores noisily -Drop the "noisily". The word "snores" implies noise by itself. 
turns over and dreams of
the ikat padding
tattered behind her... -This is a nice specific image. I just wonder if it's worth expanding on. I say this because it caught my interest, and I would like to know more as a reader.
Leaving me weary
but unsleeping -I know that "unsleeping" isn't a word, but I like it here. I'm a fan of when poets try to create new words.
don’t want to miss
our destination as
 Samson follows Goliath
climbing through fogged window
the sun rising at their backs
behemoths of the skyline- - I like this description here. I'm assuming Samson and Goliath are mountains, but is that their real names? If not, I feel like this comparison to Samson and Goliath needs to be explored more.
I’ve captured their likeness -Why not just say, "I've photographed them"? This line feels a little bit over wordy to me.
with every little trip,
she’s seen them before,
scrolling through
thumbed holiday snaps and
said time and time again -Need a comma at the end of this line.
“wud like t’s’em me sen” -Need a comma at the end of this line.
but come tomorrow
it’ll be back to
thumbed photographs
again. -I like this ending. It captures the overall feeling of the poem rather well. I wonder if this poem is really about Samson and Goliath or the speaker's relationship with their significant other, and would this be better reflected in the title by just naming the poem: "A Panoramic"? Just a thought.

Another idea I had as I reread this piece, was what would happen if you played around with the line length by combining some of the lines. I think that might be worth exploring. Overall, I think you have a nice first draft, and I look forward to seeing where you go from here with this poem.

Cheers,
Richard

[20_Hamilton_18]

Richard,

Thank you so much for your time, I'll definitely be sitting down and taking some of your suggestions and using them when it comes the development of this piece.

Samson and Goliath are in actual fact not mountains, although we do have a hill with a cave on it called "Napoléon's Nose" but cranes in the Harland and Wolf shipyard at Belfast docks. I've lived outside Ireland for almost ten years now and everytime I go home I end up with loads of pictures of them on my phone. 

Again thank you so much for the feedback, I do really appreciate it

Johnny

[Image: https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/c...636807.jpg]

[Richard]

Hey Johnny,
I wonder if you could play around with describing the cranes, making them sound like cranes and Samson and Goliath at the same time... just a thought.

Cheers,
Richard

[20_Hamilton_18]

Hey Richard,

Interesting thought re the cranes, currently having a play around with that idea of yours and I'll let you know how it goes.

Johnny

[20_Hamilton_18]

Small revision above

[Knot]

Hey Johnny,
nice sketch - though I don't think your line lengths
are doing you any favours and I'd again suggest
breaking it up into verses.

She, just
I think you need to remove the comma,
you've just started and one word later a pause.
It's not a particularly 'inviting' introduction.
(Though I've got Charles Aznavour in my head now)
Consider;
She's just 'resting her eyes',
leaning her head on my shoulder
falling asleep...
resting her eyes,
leans her head
on my shoulder and
falls asleep.

I try prodding
a gentle elbow
to the ribs
but she snores
turns over and dreams of
the ikat padding
tattered behind her...
I'd suggest either cutting this or moving it,
I think the piece would flow better to go from
'falls asleep' straight to
Leaving me weary
but unsleeping
Not keen on 'unsleeping' so
soon after 'asleep'.
Seems like you're trying a bit too hard.

don’t want to miss
(who doesn't?
Because if it is her, then why is she asleep?)
our destination as
(you could tuck a clue in here, perhaps
the name of the train station or similar
- though I can't tell what the mode of transport is.)
Samson follows Goliath
climbing through fogged window
'climbing through'? As in 'entering'?
the sun rising at their backs
(could they be 'hauling the sun up'
or something? A hint as to the fact they're cranes?)
behemoths of the skyline-
not sure the last line adds anything
(the names imply 'behemoth' anyway,
and it feels like an awkward phrase).

I’ve captured their likeness
(How? It suggests a process different
from 'holiday snaps')
with every little trip,
why 'little'? And why do you do it?
Is it a one constant in a changing world
sort of thing, or what?
she’s seen them before,
Are you trying to say
she's only ever seen them...?
scrolling through
thumbed holiday snaps and
said time and time again,
“wud like t’s’em me sen,”
In which case, why doesn't N wake her?
but come tomorrow
it’ll be back to
thumbed photographs
again.
You could cut these last lines
for, given that she's sleeping,
they are stating the obvious.

For me, not knowing who 'she' is
by the end of the piece (girlfriend/wife/daughter/...),
means I'm not particularly engaged.
I agree with Richard, this doesn't seem to
be about the cranes but about the relationship,
and that part needs developing.
(The title doesn't really help).

Best, Knot.
(Apologies, you got a couple of revisions
in before I could post this.)

[20_Hamilton_18]

Hey Knot, ta for reading, appreciate the feedback as always, going back to this again I'll definitely be looking at building that relationship between N and she a little further. I've tried to look at line lengths and maybe having done that I might start thinking about stanzas also. At any rate I've lots to work on here we'll have to see what the next revision brings eh?

Cheers Johnny

[ritwiksadhu33]

Hi 20_Hamilton_18,
      Enjoyed reading this. Here are some thoughts:

Samson follows Goliath; 
       A Panoramic 

 
She, just resting her eyes,
leans her head on my shoulder and 
falls asleep. I try prodding 
a gentle elbow 
to the ribs
but she snores
turns over and dreams of
the ikat padding 
tattered behind her. Could expand more on that. Sounds like a good opportunity to make some quirky remarks about aforesaid ikat padding: especially since you consider it dream-worthy.
Leaving me weary 
but unsleeping
don’t want to miss 
our destination as
Samson follows Goliath 
climbing through fogged window
the sun rising at their backs 
behemoths of the skyline 
craning their necks to catch 
a glimpse of us Kodak faced. Good economy of words here. A lot of images expressed with very few words.
I’ve captured their likeness 
with every little trip, 
she’s seen them before, 
scrolling through 
thumbed holiday snaps and 
said time and time again,
“wud like t’s’em me sen,” Didn't quite get that(I am not a native English speaker so don't sweat it - it's probably all right)
but come tomorrow
it’ll be back to 
thumbed photographs Not too sure about the repitition of thumbed here. There isn't really a good alternative word though.
again.

The last ten lines or so are a bit less pithy than the rest of the poem (just a remark: not suggesting you change that - it works fine as it is).