Dreamer’s Eye

[yimbus]

Drawing back,
relaxed
where croaks echo back.

Soft dew curdles in the sun,
firm skin boils the droplets
of water exposed to mud,
washed away by singing rain
felt not as pain
but gentle scraping,
gnawing on
the bark which shields
infant plant warriors
from dastardly breezes.

The sky,
neatly tucked above
in folds of white
turning violent gray
before it closes
so hazy in the day.

Fall back to bed,
the dream has ended.
The storm has passed
and is now beginning.
Living life at night,
in the eye of the storm.

[Richard]

Hey yimbus,
Writing about dreams/dreamers is always an interesting route to take. I do have some thoughts:

Drawing back,
relaxed -Do you think "relaxed" deserves the extra emphasis of being its own line? I would suggest attaching it to the previous line.
where croaks echo back. -I found this to be a strange image, but that's probably okay when dealing with dreams.

Soft dew curdles in the sun,
firm skin boils the droplets
of water exposed to mud,
washed away by singing rain
felt not as pain -I'm not a fan of random rhymes. Others might disagree though.
but gentle scraping,
gnawing on
the bark which shields
infant plant warriors
from dastardly breezes.  -I found this stanza a lot to take in. My suggestion would be the add a period somewhere, so the reader has a chance to catch their breath. Overall, I found this stanza to be quite surreal in its description, which works since this is dealing with dreams.

The sky,
neatly tucked above
in folds of white
turning violent gray
before it closes -Maybe drop the first line of this stanza and change the "it" here to "the sky"? Just a thought.
so hazy in the day. -Other than the random rhyme, I like the imagery in this stanza. It describes the end of the day in a dreamy way.

Fall back to bed,
the dream has ended.
The storm has passed -I feel like you don't need this and the previous line. They both imply the same thing, so I would use just one. My suggestion would be to the cut "the dream has ended" since it's close to a cliche.
and is now beginning.
Living life at night,
in the eye of the storm. -Again, I feel like these last two lines repeat what was already said. I suggest rewriting this last stanza to read:
     Fall back to bed,
     living life at night,
     in the eye of the storm.

I think you have some good dream related images in this poem, and I look forward to seeing where you take it from here.

Cheers,
Richard

[yimbus]

Hey yimbus,
Writing about dreams/dreamers is always an interesting route to take. I do have some thoughts:

Drawing back,
relaxed -Do you think "relaxed" deserves the extra emphasis of being its own line? I would suggest attaching it to the previous line.  
where croaks echo back. -I found this to be a strange image, but that's probably okay when dealing with dreams.

Soft dew curdles in the sun,
firm skin boils the droplets
of water exposed to mud,
washed away by singing rain
felt not as pain -I'm not a fan of random rhymes. Others might disagree though.  
but gentle scraping,
gnawing on
the bark which shields
infant plant warriors
from dastardly breezes.  -I found this stanza a lot to take in. My suggestion would be the add a period somewhere, so the reader has a chance to catch their breath. Overall, I found this stanza to be quite surreal in its description, which works since this is dealing with dreams.

The sky,
neatly tucked above
in folds of white
turning violent gray
before it closes -Maybe drop the first line of this stanza and change the "it" here to "the sky"? Just a thought.
so hazy in the day. -Other than the random rhyme, I like the imagery in this stanza. It describes the end of the day in a dreamy way.

Fall back to bed,
the dream has ended.
The storm has passed -I feel like you don't need this and the previous line. They both imply the same thing, so I would use just one. My suggestion would be to the cut "the dream has ended" since it's close to a cliche.
and is now beginning.
Living life at night,
in the eye of the storm. -Again, I feel like these last two lines repeat what was already said. I suggest rewriting this last stanza to read:
     Fall back to bed,
     living life at night,
     in the eye of the storm.

I think you have some good dream related images in this poem, and I look forward to seeing where you take it from here.

Cheers,
Richard

Thanks for the feedback. Yes, I generally was going for some surreal imagery and in my opinion, the random rhymes mostly served to help the flow of the poem a bit although I can see them being distractive or unnecessary. I definitely agree the second stanza may have gone on a bit too long, might try to separate it after the rain line. The ending was originally separate and just different thoughts about what it should be but I think I may have mixed them together, so I can see the repetitiveness. Agree with most of your critiques, appreciate it and will try to work them in.

[danny_]

I like this dreamy nature atmosphere.

Drawing back,
relaxed
where croaks echo back. 

I know "echo back" isn't entirely logical, because echo back to what? But it could be back to your thoughts and awareness, so I like it.

Soft dew curdles in the sun,
firm skin boils the droplets
of water exposed to mud,
washed away by singing rain
felt not as pain
but gentle scraping,
gnawing on
the bark which shields
infant plant warriors
from dastardly breezes.

- I can't quite picture dew curdling. I come close to imagining shrinking. But curdling would give me an image of lumping...? What's it supposed to look like?
- Now firm skin boils the droplets is either the skin of blades of grass or leaves, or the surface of mud. If it is mud, I don't see how it is exposed to the mud. I imagine it resting on the mud, secreted by the mud, evaporating on the mud.
- But then it rains, so it's all gone back to wet again.
- Next we have insects involved somehow?
- I'm sorry to get so logical, especially on a poem about dreaming. You have the right to be abstract here.

The sky,
neatly tucked above
in folds of white
turning violent gray
before it closes
so hazy in the day.

This is a neat image of the sky. Perhaps, for the last line, "in the haze of the day."

Fall back to bed,
the dream has ended.
The storm has passed
and is now beginning.
Living life at night,
in the eye of the storm.

I agree with Richard about this last stanza. At least, simplify a bit. (Did it pass and begin right after because of the eye? Or another kind of storm is beginning? I don't have any idea.)

Pleasant sketches and imagery.

[alonso ramoran]

Hi yimbus, couple comments below

Drawing back, 
relaxed I'd bring this line up to merge with the one above.
where croaks echo back.

Soft dew curdles in the sun, Not sure if dew "curdles", even in the context of the ongoing metaphor in this stanza.
firm skin boils the droplets 
of water exposed to mud,
washed away by singing rain Wind sings if we really wanted to try, but it howls more than anything. I don't know about rain.
felt not as pain
but gentle scraping,
gnawing on The rain seems to be described as doing two separate things: gently scraping (which makes me thinks of claws but doesn't sound painful bc you said it isn't) and gnawing (which makes me think of a mouth and sounds painful). Which is it? I'd go with the latter if you want to follow through with the "infant plant warriors" metaphor.
the bark which shields
infant plant warriors
from dastardly breezes.

The sky,
neatly tucked above
in folds of white I like these two lines
turning violent gray
before it closes
so hazy in the day. I'd omit "so"

Fall back to bed,
the dream has ended.
The storm has passed
and is now beginning. I'm not following this storm metaphor.
Living life at night,
in the eye of the storm. "eye of the storm" sounds cliche

Lots of parts were pretty vague for me in this piece. 

Best, Alex