Deep Black - edit/repack

[dukealien]

Deep Black


Deep-black butterfly
flares in colors
white-light eyes
cannot see or name.

Black butterfly
thinks rainbow
has no soul.

Deep-black butterfly
flares in colors white-light eyes
can’t perceive or name.

Black butterfly
thinks rainbow
has no soul.

[Tiger the Lion]

Deep Black


Deep-black butterfly
flares in colors white-light eyes
can’t perceive or name.

Black butterfly
thinks rainbow
has no soul.

Hey Duke. I like what you've done here but I think it would be better out of form. I feel like your idea has been contained by some "rules of haiku" while ignoring others. To me it reads better with L2 chopped in half, making it 4 lines and leaving you a lot more wiggle room for tweaking (or expanding). 

** I like the P.S. piece as is. Thinks can be read a couple of ways.  
Cool read,
Paul

[dukealien]

edit1;


Deep Black


Deep-black butterfly
flares in colors
white-light eyes
cannot see or name.

Black butterfly
thinks rainbow
has no soul.

---

@Tiger the Lion - excellent points,  and escaping the sorta-haiku form allows the snippet to join the poem.  BTW, I've found about five ways to read the snippet/V2, depending on where the implied punctuation is placed... four of them unintended and/or unexpected.