Wedding night [title in progress]

[wapiti]

The blindfold of loneliness
Swept away on a June night
Our young and trusting eyes met
Love an unspoken whisper
 
Three springs turned yellow autumns 
Memories made as leaves fell,
Our lives and dreams became one
Whisper transformed to a shout
 
Passion, summer’s fruit we feast
Lives entwine like vines this night
Our families become one
The shout now a sacred vow

[rowens]

The blindfold of loneliness
Swept away on a June night
Our young and trusting eyes met
Love an unspoken whisper


The blindfold idea doesn't carry through much; the motif of the modes of voice throughout is weakened by that broken image there at the beginning.

 
Three springs turned yellow autumns 
Memories made as leaves fell,
Our lives and dreams became one
Whisper transformed to a shout

The lack of periods makes sense to me, whatever your rationale behind it, because of the twining going on. The first two lines here are by this time unfortunately trite. The lives and dreams line might be trite too, but I like it. 




 
Passion, summer’s fruit we feast
Lives entwine like vines this night
Our families become one
The shout now a sacred vow

The problem here is that the figurative language doesn't add anything. It all seems a little redundant.

[wapiti]

Thanks for the feedback!

The problem here is that the figurative language doesn't add anything. It all seems a little redundant.

I kind of agree here. It wasn't my intention, but I definitely see how forced in some language would come across. I'm going to re-work this stanza.

The blindfold idea doesn't carry through much; the motif of the modes of voice throughout is weakened by that broken image there at the beginning.

Can you expand on this a bit or maybe how you might adjust in a general sense? My idea was to start with an image of the initial state of things, which on its own is a little cliche, but I thought this stanza was a bit unique enough to get through. I'll rework the comparison here maybe.

Thanks again

[rowens]

I think the blindfold of loneliness is too ambitious an image for the content of that first stanza. It doesn't follow through with its uniqueness.

---

The unspoken whisper, whisper, shout, vow. Everything hangs on that line of thought. The rest of the poem seems arbitrary. Unworked out. It's consistent, logically, but not so much poetically. It's not horrible.

[Radetof.Yahska]

The blindfold of loneliness
Swept away on a June night        // "swept away" seems to not work properly with "blindfold"
Our young and trusting eyes met
Love an unspoken whisper          // "unspoken" doesn't really make sense to me. What does this mean for the vow and the shout?
 
Three springs turned yellow autumns  // is yellow necessary here? There is no other allusion to colour, no contrast
Memories made as leaves fell,
Our lives and dreams became one
Whisper transformed to a shout   
 
Passion, summer’s fruit we feast         
Lives entwine like vines this night     //this is quite a mouthful, and the language here and in the preceding line is in stark contrast to what follows, in terms of volume (?)
Our families become one             
The shout now a sacred vow         //struggling with the last lines of each stanza. They seem a little forced.

There is a beautiful expression here, it just needs some mining. Please try and sit with it and see which words give when subjected to scrutiny, in the face of the theme.

[Bunx]

The blindfold of loneliness
Swept away on a June night
Our young and trusting eyes met
Love an unspoken whisper
 
Three springs turned yellow autumns 
Memories made as leaves fell,
Our lives and dreams became one
Whisper transformed to a shout
 
Passion, summer’s fruit we feast
Lives entwine like vines this night
Our families become one
The shout now a sacred vow

This is really fully fleshed and a very nice poem! I feel that are thing and themes you could expand on such as the "blindfold of loneliness Swept away on a June night". I find myself wanting to know more and see more images. Though it is great the poem is short and sweet. Anyways wanted to post and say that this one made my day thanks for the story!

[Richard]

Hey wapiti,
I like some of you images here. However, I think you need play with some of your wording to make this piece more effective. I'll go into more detail below:

The blindfold of loneliness -I like this line as an image. However, the following line distracts from it.
Swept away on a June night -My suggestion would be the change this line to: "Undone by a June night" That would be more consistent with the image of the blindfold.
Our young and trusting eyes met -Rather than telling us that the eyes were young and trusting, why not imply it through a metaphor or a simile? For example: "Our eye met like..." Fill in whatever you think convey that the eyes would young and trusting.
Love an unspoken whisper -I like the image of the "unspoken whisper," but I don't think it needs to be compared to love. I would save this image for the next stanza.
 
Three springs turned yellow autumns 
Memories made as leaves fell, -I like the first two lines here. Imagery and simile are used in a wonderful way to convey the passage of time.
Our lives and dreams became one
Whisper transformed to a shout -I would suggest changing this two lines to something like: "Our unspoken whisper transformed to a shout". I just feel like talking about lives and dreams is too on the nose for a love poem.
 
Passion, summer’s fruit we feast -I feel like "fruit" is too vague. Pick one and have some fun with the imagery in the process.
Lives entwine like vines this night
Our families become one
The shout now a sacred vow -I like this image of the shout becoming a sacred vow. It's a powerful image because of the idea of it being quieter, but also stronger.

I hope I wasn't too critical here. I actually think you got a wonderful start here, and I look forward to seeing what you do with this.

Cheers,
Richard

[allisonkreid]

The blindfold of loneliness
Swept away on a June night
Our young and trusting eyes met
Love an unspoken whisper
 
Three springs turned yellow autumns 
Memories made as leaves fell,
Our lives and dreams became one
Whisper transformed to a shout
 
Passion, summer’s fruit we feast
Lives entwine like vines this night
Our families become one
The shout now a sacred vow

I enjoyed the nature imagry. Some thoughts to tighten up the first stanza and reduce cliche:

Young eyes meet in a whisper,
their blindfold swept by a June night.

Removed unspoken as I don't think a whisper can be unspoken.

The bit about three springs is is a little confusing. I get that it means three years have passed, but then you culminate in one summer... it begs the question of what happened to the other two summers.

I would also consider changing the month in the first stanza to April, to make it clear that is still discussing the spring phase of the poem... Assuming that is correct.

I hope the feedback is helpful. Thanks for sharing!