A Date

[kaos]

Now that I think about it,
I probably have never experienced life the way I should.
Free of any adulterants, isn’t that how it’s supposed to be?
But I haven’t been doing that, is it over for me?
When I was a child.
I was doing what any child should have.
Until they dragged me by my coattails, to that circle infernal,
and summoned before my eyes, demons all internal.
Afraid, I ran like anyone would have.
Mortified, I hid before them.
Proud, I was too shy to say it as it was,
Loud, too obvious to be subtle.
The teenage years are fated to be lost,
perhaps I never understood that integral cost,
I kept adding strong structures, hoping they would stick,
on a base made of paper, jerking myself to forget your lick.
The brief sliver of adulthood I have been granted,
Feels wasted even before I received,
Drugs, psychotropic and exotic, swim in my stream,
I thought I was awake, but it was all a dream.
Now I am as much a stranger as a babe just born,
As much an amateur as that beginner forlorn,
As new as that slowly creeping morn,
But still clichéd, as the word torn in this rhyme scheme.
Now I am suddenly aware of my misgivings,
in the whole of life and its many intricacies.
And like the only other thing which has given me regret,
Her, I feel it’s insurmountable, the ever increasing debt.
Will both my quandaries resolve themselves?
If I correct the other…
But is that another mistake my mind has made?
For even in the little wisdom I have, failure spreads it odour.
Either I reject life, along with you, and everyone else,
and stop subjecting myself to this cursed fate.
But if I vanish how will I know?
If finally you agree to date,
Me…

[Richard]

Hey kaos,
I think my biggest suggestions would be to prune down on some of the language and expand on some of your images. I'll go into more detail below:

Now that I think about it, -You don't need this first line. There's a poem here, so it's implied that you have thought about it.
I probably have never experienced life the way I should. -This would make a stronger first line than the previous one.
Free of any adulterants, isn’t that how it’s supposed to be?
But I haven’t been doing that, is it over for me?
When I was a child.
I was doing what any child should have. -I would suggest rewording this or the previous line. The repetition of "child" feels unnecessary to me.
Until they dragged me by my coattails, to that circle infernal,
and summoned before my eyes, demons all internal. -The best I can get from this is something to do with church. I could be wrong, but the image in this and the previous line could be clearer.
Afraid, I ran like anyone would have.
Mortified, I hid before them.
Proud, I was too shy to say it as it was,
Loud, too obvious to be subtle. -I think you should cut the words: "afraid," "mortified," "proud," and "loud" from these four lines. Let the images speak for themselves, rather than telling the reader exactly how the speaker feels.  
The teenage years are fated to be lost, -A sad, but true statement for most.
perhaps I never understood that integral cost,
I kept adding strong structures, hoping they would stick,
on a base made of paper, jerking myself to forget your lick. -The phrase "jerking myself" seems like a masturbation reference. Was that your intention?
The brief sliver of adulthood I have been granted,
Feels wasted even before I received,
Drugs, psychotropic and exotic, swim in my stream, -I feel like the images of drugs and psychotropic could be expanded on a lot more.
I thought I was awake, but it was all a dream.
Now I am as much a stranger as a babe just born,
As much an amateur as that beginner forlorn,
As new as that slowly creeping morn,
But still clichéd, as the word torn in this rhyme scheme. -The word "torn" should have quotation marks around it or be in italics. It took me numerous reads to understand this line.
Now I am suddenly aware of my misgivings,
in the whole of life and its many intricacies.
And like the only other thing which has given me regret,
Her, I feel it’s insurmountable, the ever increasing debt. -What debt? This is a metaphor that needs to be expanded. As well, may be think about letting the word "Her" be its own line, to give it the emphasis it deserves. Just a thought.
Will both my quandaries resolve themselves?
If I correct the other…
But is that another mistake my mind has made?
For even in the little wisdom I have, failure spreads it odour. -What does failure smell like? Again, this is something you should expand upon.
Either I reject life, along with you, and everyone else,
and stop subjecting myself to this cursed fate. -The phrase "cursed fate" seems a bit cliched to me, so I would suggest rewording it.
But if I vanish how will I know?
If finally you agree to date, -I feel like more of the poem should address "her" more. I say this because on the first reading I didn't realize this had anything to do with dating until I got to this ending.
Me…

I look forward to seeing where you take this from here.

Cheers,
Richard

[alonso ramoran]

Hi kaos, couple comments below

Now that I think about it,
I probably have never experienced life the way I should. 
Free of any adulterants, isn’t that how it’s supposed to be?
But I haven’t been doing that, is it over for me?
When I was a child.
I was doing what any child should have. I would omit everything from this line up and start at "They dragged me..."
Until they dragged me by my coattails, to that circle infernal,
and summoned before my eyes, demons all internal. I'm not a fan of this inconsistent rhyme scheme you have going on. Esp. when it's contorting your syntax e.g. "circle infernal", "demons all internal". Inner demons is a cliche as well, perhaps you can get around it better in your next edit? 
Afraid, I ran like anyone would have.
Mortified, I hid before them.
Proud, I was too shy to say it as it was,
Loud, too obvious to be subtle. I actually sorta like the sequence of this line and the above three
The teenage years are fated to be lost,
perhaps I never understood that integral cost,
I kept adding strong structures, hoping they would stick, no comma needed at the end of this line
on a base made of paper, jerking myself to forget your lick. This line made me laugh... this is another issue I have with your poem--I'm not exactly sure what's the tone you're going for. It's trying hard to "poeticize" masturbating by rhyming the line's final word with stick.
The brief sliver of adulthood I have been granted,
Feels wasted even before I received,
Drugs, psychotropic and exotic, swim in my stream,
I thought I was awake, but it was all a dream. Cliche
Now I am as much a stranger as a babe just born,
As much an amateur as that beginner forlorn,
As new as that slowly creeping morn,
But still clichéd, as the word torn in this rhyme scheme. I see what you're doing here with saying how torn is cliched in the rhyme scheme... you're implying you were gonna say something like you were torn? You might as well have said it. There is no rhyme scheme here so "morn" was unnecessary (nor would I believe it to be necessary in a rhyme scheme, it's a very forced word) as well as used within a cliched simile with run-of-the-mill adjectives. So to the reader, it sounds like you're trying to give the poem an edge of self-awareness by only honing it on tree bark.
Now I am suddenly aware of my misgivings,
in the whole of life and its many intricacies. "Life's intricacies" hackneyed. Go into detail about life's intricacies
And like the only other thing which has given me regret,
Her, I feel it’s insurmountable, the ever increasing debt. What debt?
Will both my quandaries resolve themselves?
If I correct the other… Lines like these that ponder are no use to the poem. That's for the writer... images are what the reader wants. 
But is that another mistake my mind has made?
For even in the little wisdom I have, failure spreads it odour. What type of odour?
Either I reject life, along with you, and everyone else,
and stop subjecting myself to this cursed fate.
But if I vanish how will I know?
If finally you agree to date,
Me… Not sure why this word is isolated, is it for tone? See my comments on L16. When rewriting, I would also try not capitalizing every beginning letter of a line unless necessary (like the beginning of a sentence), it jars the reading. Edit: actually I see you stuck to those rules in some areas, but in others you abandon those rules. Why the inconsistency?

Looking back over my critique, it seems a bit harsh, but it is not meant to discourage you. In short, I simply ask you try boiling it down to just the images and ask your audience to lend some thought, otherwise you're asking them to lend their sympathy.

Best, Alex

[homer1950]

Kaos,

I would suggest that you go through your piece and re-work and remove any words and/or lines that are not absolutley needed. To much to read compared to what you are trying to convey

Thanks, Homer