Thinker (revision 2)

[allisonkreid]

There is no comb in your kit
of critical tools, evidently.
No perfectly imperfect.

Devoid of intent,
you are

sincerity in thick brown hair
and wrinkled shift,
scribbled thoughts
and cocktail napkin knit.

I am pressed cotton greenbacks
and pintucks and balanced
sheets, stilettos. I am
lost.


Revision 1

There is no comb in your kit
of critical tools. There is
no perfectly imperfect.

Devoid of intent,
you are

sincerity in thick brown
tress and wrinkled shift.


Robed in scribbled thought
and cocktail napkin knit.


Original

The comb is not
a critical tool in your kit,
evidently.
I cannot characterize you
as trying not to try.

Deficient of intent,
you are

sincerity in thick brown
tress and wrinkled knit,
as though, complete
with scribbled thought,
you pulled a napkin
out of pocket
and stretched it overhead
to wear.

[dukealien]

The comb is not     I'm normally down on "the," but in this case you're talking about the Platonic ideal of the comb - so it works
a critical tool in your kit,
evidently.    Placing "evidently" here rather than before "not" gives a supercilious air which may not be intended.
I cannot characterize you
as trying not to try.     This couplet is a bit opaque to me - I translate it as "too out-of-it to even be called 'not trying.'"  It does work to build up the nature of the viewpoint character, i.e. the speaker.

Deficient of intent,
you are

sincerity in thick brown
tress and wrinkled knit,    "tress" is an odd (and attention-getting) word choice.  One braid, one lock?
as though, complete
with scribbled thought,
you pulled a napkin    would like to see the napkin described a bit - "wrinkled" or the like
out of pocket     for some reason I pictured the subject as female up to this point, but "pocket" rather than "purse" suggests male
and stretched it overhead
to wear.    captivating image (especially if male, so swings the thought back to female) but an odd way of suggesting a thought balloon in real life.  Can't quite make sense of it.

In mild critique (hope this is not overboard) the word-picture of the intellectual or pseudo-intellectual ditz is well drawn.  Equally well, if not better, is the mean-girl viewpoint character reflected in use of words, inverted constructions, and what seems to me hidden contempt.  If this were written, it would be on a note passed around in class and everyone would know to whom it referred.  Or, I guess, a txt these days except it's too polished.

Summary:  Describes an unpleasant situation well.  Some parts are jarring, suggest looking it over to see where it could be smoother but also with the thought that the harshness is meant to be.

Liked it, in the way one likes a sour pickle:  good of its kind.

[allisonkreid]

Thank you for the feedback. I definitely need to play with the tone, as my meaning was not contempt... More so a plain observation of a person who wears their heart on their sleeve... Or in this case their poetry scribbled napkin as a sweater.

The gender was androgenous on purpose, as I did not view it relevant to the charecterization.
Thanks again!

[rowens]

   
The comb is not
a critical tool in your kit,

Do you insist on "in your kit"? 



evidently.
I cannot characterize you
as trying not to try.


Does "not" need to be emphasized? No. But, looking at it, is it fine as it is? To you?

An obvious one would be

I cannot characterize you
as trying
not to try.

But it's your poem, not obvious's.




Deficient of intent,
you are

sincerity in thick brown

This bit works well enough.



tress and wrinkled knit,

Maybe a , instead of an and. As though, you know, complete, more togethered. 



as though, complete
with scribbled thought,
you pulled a napkin
out of pocket
and stretched it overhead    [ ? ]
to wear.

[allisonkreid]

Thank you for the feedback. The 'stretched it overhead' line was intended to intimate a pullover sweater. I see an opportunity here to make the analogy a bit clearer and also use some more vivid descriptive words. I will play around with it.
Thanks again!

[rowens]

I only meant that it's clear enough without that line.

---

I wondered if it was needed.

[Knot]

Hi allison,
stronger for the revision, I think.

Thinker (revision 1)

There is no comb in your kit
of critical tools.
- I think 'evidently' in the original
was excellent. Conveyed a number
of attitudes from the speaker (one
of which seemed exasperated/
maternal or paternal) which
are now lost.

There is
no perfectly imperfect.
- this just seems a bit clever for
the sake of cleverness, and an unfinished
thought. Do you need it?
(Alternatively, simply cut 'there is')

Devoid of intent, you are
sincerity in thick brown
(any reason for 'sincerity' rather than
'sincere')
tress and wrinkled shift.
- 'tress' seems very odd, why not the
more usual 'tresses'?

Robed in scribbled thought
- 'robed' after 'tress' seems a bit overdone
(particularly when you add the 'bs' of 'scribbled'.)
and cocktail napkin knit.

It feels like the end is missing.


Just a suggestion:

There is no comb in your kit
of critical tools. Evidently.
No perfectly imperfect.

Devoid of intent, you are
[sincere] in thick brown
tresses and wrinkled shift.

[Dressed] in scribbled thought
and cocktail napkin knit,
you...?...



Best, Knot

[rowens]

I can't help but see the speaker coming off 'bad' in this. Maybe that's the thinker, the speaker is the over-thinker. Is that it? Maybe it's me who's over-thinking. It gives little purpose for disparaging the subject. Why nitpick so quickly and easily is the question. For the reader, me, and the speaker or the writer of this poem. It's so short, the poem. I don't see the justification for the insult. If it is an insult.

[allisonkreid]

Rowans- thank you for some very helpful feedback. This gives me a lot to chew on... especially the end goal of what I want the reader to walk away with... a simple observation without implied commentary makes for a poem that is lacking in purpose, and I think the result is that the reader is trying to find implied commentary where it may not really exist. I need to hone in on my purpose with this in the next revision and I think that will help.

Knot- thank you for tightening up some of the wording. I really liked some of your suggestions and will work them into my next edit.

[rowens]

It's the tone, I guess, that you're working on. To me it seems either to be attacking or making a joke at another's expense. Neither is a problem with me, but if that's all it is, it's not saying, or doing, much. Then again, it could be self-critical, self-pointing out, and the you is self-reflective. So either tone or the choice of words in such a close and small scene is the trouble. Or both.

[Richard]

Hey Allison,
I think you have a worthwhile image to work with here. I'm just left a bit underwhelmed by the speaker's intent. There's obviously something the speaker doesn't like about the person they are describing, but I just don't understand why they feel that way. That would be an area I would suggest exploring in a future revision. I'll go into more detail below:

There is no comb in your kit -I find this line establishes the eccentricity of the person being described. I'm just wondering if that was your purpose here? 
of critical tools, evidently. -The phrase "critical tools" is a bit vague. I would suggest using a specific example of something this person would consider a "critical tool".
No perfectly imperfect.

Devoid of intent, -How does the speaker know this? What is his/her relationship to this person? Like I mentioned above, this needs to be explored more.
you are

sincerity in thick brown hair
and wrinkled shift, -Is "shift" supposed to be "shirt"?
scribbled thoughts -Again, "thoughts" is a bit vague, and you could have a lot of fun giving the reader an example of the kind of scribble thoughts this person is coming up with.
and cocktail napkin knit.

I am pressed cotton greenbacks
and pintucks and balanced
sheets, stilettos. I am
lost. -I like the juxtaposition of the speaker to the other person. I feel like the speaker comes off as shallow because they identify themselves by material goods. Was that your intention?


Revision 1

There is no comb in your kit
of critical tools. There is
no perfectly imperfect.

Devoid of intent,
you are

sincerity in thick brown
tress and wrinkled shift.


Robed in scribbled thought
and cocktail napkin knit.


Original

The comb is not
a critical tool in your kit,
evidently.
I cannot characterize you
as trying not to try.

Deficient of intent,
you are

sincerity in thick brown
tress and wrinkled knit,
as though, complete
with scribbled thought,
you pulled a napkin
out of pocket
and stretched it overhead
to wear.

I look forward to seeing where you take this piece next.

Thanks for the read,
Richard