Promotion

[Oden Prufrock]

Promotion

I never thought,
never!
Not once,
that I would reach this pinnacle.
I subverted my worth
for so long
I thought I’d turn into a slug.
That everything turned out
the way it did
makes tears…
I hoped for it so much
for so long
and now it’s here.
Somehow a face squeezing with blood
and uttering cries of intensity
shows just how happy
I am.

[CRNDLSM]

Promotion

I never thought,
never!
Not once, first three lines repeating in different ways to emphasize how far away this thought ever was from the mind
that I would reach this pinnacle. Key word here 'would' I think, pinnacle is a nice touch, actually on top it seems
I subverted my worth subvert also good word choice
for so long these short phrases pop out the almost unbelievable tone, like gasps of reality
I thought I’d turn into a slug. Not sure if slug has other meanings but I love slugs and am not sure it fits, unless it's the old stereotypical laziness that comes from a monotonous boring job
That everything turned out turned out, subvert
the way it did this line doesn't work for me, it's cheap
makes tears… like tears, because tears of joy, tears of sadness, or tears in the fabric of reality
I hoped for it so much this line is too colloquial, like unnecessary line breaks, the general thought process I think weakens the emotional conveyance
for so long line breaks for line breaks sake
and now it’s here. Unless all these short phrases are still just disbelief, fumbling for words
Somehow a face squeezing with blood nice imagery, possibly dark.  Who's face?  Blushing? Choking?  Maybe this promotion isn't so great, a dark twist would be nice
and uttering cries of intensity uttering intensity is hard to imagine, but it does help with the darkness
shows just how happy happy with cries, happy with blood face, or sarcastically not happy because of the slugginess and never never never.  All the Nevers now make me think it's sarcastic
I am. Oh God, promotion to power.  I am.  So final.

I want to take this one rush of thoughts towards a promotion and break it down line by line into a sinister revelation.  It could be read as one weak thought of a lay person, or twisted series of power thirst.  Definitely some weak lines, not sure what your objective is, hope this helps

[churinga]

A slug has the connotation of a bullet, 'makes tears' is not very convincing either sonically or syntactically. 'A face squeezing with blood' again supports the notion of a slug in both senses.

[Richard]

Hey Oden,
I like what you're going for here. However, I think there are spots where you could strengthen things, which would elevate this piece even higher. I'll go into more detail below:

Promotion

I never thought, -How about starting with just "I never" as the first line to create a stronger contrast with the final line ("I am")?
never! -I am super critical of repetition, and the second "never" here doesn't do much for me. This could be totally just my own language preference, but the second "never" sounds too old timey to me. Why not combine the second and third line into something like: "thought once," which would stress the speaker's isolation further? 
Not once,
that I would reach this pinnacle. -I get the feeling that you're trying to be vague intentionally here, but I would prefer a specific pinnacle to be referenced. Would it make the poem sadder or more ironic if the speaker's pinnacle was something mundane? For example, he was promoted to assistant manager at McDonald's. Just a thought because I get the need for vagueness at times.
I subverted my worth -I like the use of the word "subverted". It works well with the tone of the poem.
for so long
I thought I’d turn into a slug. -I keep thinking how this line would change if instead of "slug," it said "caterpillar". Think of the symbolic implications of the speaker reverting into a caterpillar and being denied becoming a butterfly. Just a thought.
That everything turned out -A specific image instead of saying "everything" would strengthen this line. The word "everything" is too vague for my tastes.
the way it did
makes tears… -Again, I feel like an image is needed here to carry more emotional weight. Maybe something about the speaker's eyes watering, and that would build to the cries near the end of the poem.
I hoped for it so much
for so long -If you combined this line with the previous one, it would make the repetition of "for so long" less obvious.
and now it’s here.
Somehow a face squeezing with blood -I like how this image captures the speaker's distress, but also could be read for excitement.
and uttering cries of intensity -Why not use the image of tears here? It would be easier for people to misinterpret tears as joy instead of disappointment.
shows just how happy
I am.-I quite like this last line as it ends the poem with a perfect statement to describe the speaker's state.

Overall, I think you have a nice first draft here, and I look forward to seeing where you take this from here.

Thanks for the read,
Richard