False Teeth

[Wjames]

Crunch some baby carrots, 
I want to hear your golden molars 
destroy something else.

I’ve been dipped in ranch
and shredded into cobb salad
so many times I feel orange
or red, splattered on the precious metals
that colour your smile.

[Erthona]

What a bitch! Nice and tight though

dale

[easywayout]

Crunch some baby carrots,
I want to hear your golden molars
destroy something else.

I’ve been dipped in ranch
and shredded into cobb salad
so many times I feel orange
or red, splattered on the precious metals
that colour your smile.

Hi wjames,

I like the colour/sensory imagery in this.

Some crits:

S1L1 needs a semicolon, a dash or a full stop after ‘carrots’. S1L2: I like the connotations that ‘golden’ brings up - perfection, golden boy/golden girl - and I think it would lose something to cut it out.

I can get behind N being verbally ‘shredded’, but am not sure why you’ve chosen cobb salad in particular. It took me a little bit to parse ‘into cobb salad’ as meaning ‘like cobb salad’, as I kept imagining the spouse (or whoever) metaphorically chopping up N and putting him *into* the cobb salad.

Ranch dressing seems quite mild if compared to the sort of vitriol N feels he is being subjected to: ‘I’ve been doused with vinegar’, or similar, might convey more of the intended meaning.

I can’t quite get behind ‘I feel orange or red’ (why orange? Why red? What substances are the orange/red being compared to, and how can someone feel like a colour apart from, I suppose, blue?) but like ‘the precious metals... smile’.

Cheers,
EWO

[busker]

Crunch some baby carrots, 
I want to hear your golden molars 
destroy something else.

I’ve been dipped in ranch
and shredded into cobb salad
so many times I feel orange
or red, splattered on the precious metals
that colour your smile.

gold teeth are usually 22 karat, and the impurity is silver...AND zinc. So 'precious metals' (The plural) is not entirely appropriate, as zinc isn't precious
just being pedantic
nice one!!