I want to feel ...

[mjweise]

I want to feel ...

inspired when retired

gratified and satisfied

comforted and connected

enthused, not confused

embraced, not refused

alive, loving ... and loved

[Caravano]

Slap roughly a hundred more words in there, then there's something to work with. Poetry isn't headlines, it's a distillation feelings, language, it's not a spectator sport; that being said if you love writing it don't stop; it will get better.

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As strange as it seems the universe wants to know you and how you perceive the world around you. We aren't getting that from so few less guided words.

[Richard]

Hey mjweise,
I think this poem falls into the category that it captures how you were feeling when you wrote it, but it doesn't do enough to make the reader feel what you're feeling. This poem is guilty to telling too much and not showing enough. I'll go into more detail below:

I want to feel ...

inspired when retired -An image showing how you might feel inspired would draw the reader in more. 

gratified and satisfied -Same is true here. How about an image showing gratification and/or satisfaction?

comforted and connected -I would suggest avoiding repetition in such a short poem. So maybe think about alternatives to reusing words like "and" and "not."

enthused, not confused

embraced, not refused

alive, loving ... and loved -Personally, I think you could start the poem here. Keep the title, then have the first line be "alive, loving and loved:" and then start giving some images to support that line and to show the feelings you've mentioned in the rest of the poem. Just an idea.

I think it would be a worthwhile writing exercise for yourself to rewrite this poem with a focus on telling less through just using words like "comforted" and showing more through the use of images. I hope I wasn't too harsh here, and I look forward to seeing where you take this poem from here.

Keep writing,
Richard