#471

[just mercedes]

wobbling
on the river ~
full moon and me

[Magpie]

wobbling
on the river ~
full moon and me

Yes. It works. And it works even when the lines are swapped, which I think is a good thing in this type of poem.

For me, by not using 'the full moon and me' you make it seem like 'full moon' is the name of a friend, it's a beautiful image.

Welcome back, although I've been away for over two years so I'm not really the best qualified to say that.

Cheers for the read,

Mark

[just mercedes]

Hi again - and thanks!

Why is that underlined? This site scares me sometimes.

I played around with 'watching/from the river' but I like the wobble, for the haiku master who supposedly drowned while drunk.

Now if I could only remember his name ...

[easywayout]

Hi Mercedes - yes, ‘wobbling’ adds an interesting texture/life/‘colour’/layer. At first I thought of the moon wobbling because of the rippling water, then the ‘and me’ sank in and I began to wonder about the poet. This feels like a small hint of a larger story, which is as it should be.

More importantly, it has that haiku-like format, with the cut after ‘river’.