We used to laugh at soldiers who could march
in step but barely sail and wouldn’t learn–
a soldier’s breeze, we called it, they might cope
so long as it blew strong from dead astern.
There’s foul winds I have faced my entire life
and tacked a weary course to claw ahead–
nor dare I claim I always fended off
temptation of saloon or lady’s bed.
I’ve never been a sneak thief– met a few,
and beat ‘em, with my shipmates, as their due;
I fought for what we thought was right and fit
but gave ‘em quarter if they asked for it.
So with my voyage done I don’t fear death
this midnight, or my raspy final breath:
I’ll set my stuns’ls, white as angel wings
to catch a soldier’s breeze... heading home.
edit2;
We used to laugh at soldiers who could march
in step but barely sail and wouldn’t learn–
a soldier’s breeze, we called it, they might cope
so long as it blew strong from dead astern.
It’s foul winds I have faced my entire life
and tacked a weary course to claw ahead–
nor dare I claim I never steered right close
to doing wrong in port or lady’s bed.
I’ve never been a sneak thief– met a few,
and with my shipmates beat ‘em as their due;
I fought for what we thought was right and fit
but gave ‘em quarter if they asked for it.
So with my voyage done I don’t fear death
this midnight, or my raspy final breath:
I’ll set my stuns’ls, white as angel wings
to catch a soldier’s breeze... heading home.
edit1;
We used to laugh at soldiers who could march
in step but barely sail and wouldn’t learn–
a soldier’s breeze, we called it, they might cope
so long as it was strong and dead astern.
It’s headwinds that I’ve faced my entire life
and tacked a weary course to claw ahead:
nor ever claimed I never steered right close
to doing wrong in port or lady’s bed.
I’ve never been a sneak thief– met a few,
and with my shipmates beat ‘em as their due;
I fought for what we thought was right and fit
but gave ‘em quarter if they asked for it.
So with my voyage done I don’t fear death
this midnight with a raspy final breath:
I’ll set my stuns’ls, white as angel wings
to catch a soldier’s breeze... heading home.
original version;
I used to laugh at soldiers who could march
in step but barely sail and couldn’t learn–
a soldier’s breeze, we called it, they could cope
so long as it was strong and dead astern.
It’s headwinds that I’ve faced through all my life;
I’ve tacked a weary course to get ahead.
And I don’t claim I never steered right close
to doing wrong in port or lady’s bed.
I’ve never been a sneak thief– met a few,
and with my shipmates beat ‘em black and blue;
I fought for what we thought was right and fit
but gave ‘em quarter if they asked for it.
So with my voyage done I don’t fear death
this midnight with a final rocky breath:
I’ll set my stunsails, white as angel wings
to catch a soldier’s breeze... heading home.
Meant to be a little naive, the old salt's lamp is burning low and he rhymes and meters unreliably on faltering seal-legs.
.
Enjoyed the read, Duke,
naïveté and all - though the few/blue rhyme jarred a bit. And the 'rocky breath' was well, a bit 'rocky'.
Then there's the three 'coulds' in the opening verse. But minor nits all.
Would there be a way to avoid the repetition of winds (the title and headwinds)?
Probably shifts the focus too much, but start with 'we'?
the odd thought, or two ...
I’ve faced headwinds all my life, been forced
to tack a weary line (just) to get ahead.
And I won’t claim I never steered close to
wrong, in port or in a woman's bed
but none can call me thief or cheat, no sir
nor say my word alone was not enough
I fought for what we thought was right and fit
giving quarter to them as asked for it.
So with my voyage done I don’t fear death
ten thousand guiding stars fill up the sky
...
We used to laugh at soldiers who could march
in step but barely sail and wouldn’t learn–
a soldier’s breeze, we called it, they might cope
so long as it was strong and dead astern.
It’s headwinds that I’ve faced my entire life
and tacked a weary course to claw ahead:
nor ever claimed I never steered right close
to doing wrong in port or lady’s bed.
I’ve never been a sneak thief– met a few,
and with my shipmates beat ‘em as their due;
I fought for what we thought was right and fit
but gave ‘em quarter if they asked for it.
So with my voyage done I don’t fear death
this midnight with a raspy final breath:
I’ll set my stuns’ls, white as angel wings
to catch a soldier’s breeze... heading home.
Thanks to @Knot for the good suggestions. Your version has some interesting ideas, too, but in the end I decided to steer close to the original near-meter (aside from that little missed heartbeat at the end). At least for this edit.
We used to laugh at soldiers who could march
in step but barely sail and wouldn’t learn–
a soldier’s breeze, we called it, they might cope
so long as it blew strong from dead astern.
It’s foul winds I have faced my entire life
and tacked a weary course to claw ahead–
nor dare I claim I never steered right close
to doing wrong in port or lady’s bed.
I’ve never been a sneak thief– met a few,
and with my shipmates beat ‘em as their due;
I fought for what we thought was right and fit
but gave ‘em quarter if they asked for it.
So with my voyage done I don’t fear death
this midnight, or my raspy final breath:
I’ll set my stuns’ls, white as angel wings
to catch a soldier’s breeze... heading home.
Thanks again - tried to address each of the critiques and used at least one suggestion directly. Hope the ambiguities are now laid to rest
An enjoyable and breezy tale with a poignant resolution.
Just a few suggestions-
First line 'could' - 'would'
'...but barely sail...' but barely set sail ?
'to wrong doing..' - to the wind - make it real.
'foul winds' sounds too melodramatic - close-hauled ?
'nor dare I claim I never...' - I dare not claim I never... ?
The third verse changes rhyme scheme, which is fine and engaging, but the message seems like a departure.
Yes, reflecting on a sailor's life, and a chance for imagery. Forget the thief, what sights and what battles has he seen.
'my raspy final breath' - my final raspy breath
'I’ll set my stuns’ls, white as angel wings' - white as angel wings I’ll set my stuns’ls
We used to laugh at soldiers who could march
in step but barely sail and wouldn’t learn–
a soldier’s breeze, we called it, they might cope
so long as it blew strong from dead astern.
There’s foul winds I have faced my entire life
and tacked a weary course to claw ahead–
nor dare I claim I always fended off
temptation of saloon or lady’s bed.
I’ve never been a sneak thief– met a few,
and beat ‘em, with my shipmates, as their due;
I fought for what we thought was right and fit
but gave ‘em quarter if they asked for it.
So with my voyage done I don’t fear death
this midnight, or my raspy final breath:
I’ll set my stuns’ls, white as angel wings
to catch a soldier’s breeze... heading home.
Thanks again for the fine critiques. I haven't been able to work in all the suggestions this time, but tried to make some improvements.
Explanations (not defenses?)
In the first stanza, he sets up the last one but also indulges in a stereotype: soldiers can't sail (they can manage a course of sorts by manhandling the tiller as if directing a cart horse) but sailors can't march, either - watching sailors move in formation, on land, will make you seasick. Truth. Sea legs and marching in step don't mix.
In the middle two stanzas he's making excuses for things he knows he's done wrong and setting them against virtuous acts ("foul" wind is a nautical term for one that doesn't blow your way, not its moral character or stench... though there's some ambiguity here). Since he thinks, on balance, that he did alright, he's confident.
Unless there are glaring problems now, I think I'll put this one to bed.
Non-practicing atheist
)
