Wonderland (a Tanka)

[Torkelburger]

Wonderland

Snowflakes stir in haste,
falling in nighttime moonlight,
rests in boughs of trees,
waiting for the morning sun
to shine on winter's glory.

[philip]

Hello Tb,

A nice thought here, but it's been done to death already.

Wonderland and winter's glory come across as cliches that don't add anything new.

Stir in haste - cuts against the gentle picture shown in the rest of the poem.

nighttime moonlight - as apposed to daytime moonlight?

Snowflakes gently fall / flickering in the (something) moonlight etc ? A chance here for fresh imagery.

just my thoughts............P

[Torkelburger]

Thanks, philip. Yeah, perhaps I wrote it too quickly without much editing and thought. I tend to use a lot of cliches unfortunately.