A Mystic Journey

[newmystic]

Rewrite:
A Mystic Journey

By Matthew Smith

I awake to a mystery,
walking along a majestic sea of crystal glass
a dolphin leaping out of the blue
a white gloved hand beckoning me,
turning me into a wide-eyed, speckled wanderer
a grand spiral staircase coming forth
Heaven-sent
the hand points and turns as if a clock
“Ascend,” it says.
I yield and obey.

Where am I going?
I am nudged by my new friend.
The steps bleed together
My legs grow tired.
I don’t want to climb anymore.
I peer to my side.
What if I jumped?

I am nearly faint of heart, gasping.
One final step and I'm out of breath.


Suddenly - a doorway
I collapse against the wood
breathing.
Instinctively, my hand wanders the semi-large keyhole

- A peek inside reveals an entire universe.

I look to my gloved friend but there is no response.
My heart is jumping wildly.
Observing, I wonder?
I place my wet, sweaty fingers into the hole,
fingering for a moment.
Like a boy’s first intimate encounter in a schoolyard.
Yes. there it is. A latch.
I grab the trigger like it is a dick,
my moist, hot hands on this makeshift stick,
and with a click, a release.
Something like oil dripping.
The door is ajar now, revealing glowing light
Entering, the glove is removed
Revealing a dove
She says, "I am spirit and I am breath of your flesh.
I give you permission to dwell in both realms now.”
She flies away, leaving a swirl of colors behind her.


I see colors I've never seen before
A masterpiece of pink opening up like a woman's breasts
Phalluses falling from the sky
My own chest collapsing
I am aching with love for some reason,
tears flowing at the confusion of images
Swirls of purple effervescence all about
Spiraling, dancing around me
Because of the feminine mystique
I feel I have become Snow White,
graced by the song of blue birds
perching on my shoulder,
a brown-grey rabbit at my feet,
a rooster cock-a-doodling.
I welcome each strange creature,
seeing bursts of yellowish light
firecrackers filling me with a golden glow
I am red with the color of love.
Am I dead?
Nevermind. I am at peace now. It is complete.

I awake to a mystery,
like something in the eyes of the saints

• or Christ and His eyes of fire 
  

I walk along a majestic sea of crystal glass
off the coast 
of my mind's eye
my inner man is stirred to a vision
a white gloved hand
like a dolphin leaping out of the blue
beckons me,
turns me into a wide eyed speckled wanderer
I am witness to a grand spiral staircase coming forth
Heaven-sent
the hand points like the hands on a clock
It tells me to "ride the wave"
I yield and ascend
the gloved hand slowly nudging me,
guiding me ever gently upwards
where am I going?
I am nearly faint of heart now,
gasping
one final step and I'm out of breath
- A doorway 
with a lock and key
I collapse against the wood
breathing
instinctively, my hand wanders the keyhole
like a schoolboy up a girl's skirt
I look to the hand, but there is no response.
my heart is beating in my chest wildly
observing, I wonder?
I place my wet, sweaty fingers into the hole,
fingering for a moment,
as if searching.
yes. there it is. a latch.
I pull the dick-like trigger,
my moist, hot hands dripping
and with a click,
the door is ajar now, revealing glowing light
Entering, the hand becomes a dove now
She flys away, in a swirl of colors
And says, "I am spirit and I am breath of your flesh. I give you permission to dwell in both arenas."
I bow as I see colors I've never seen before 
A masterpiece of pink opening up like a woman's breasts,
A collapsing feeling fills my chest
I ache with love
my tears flowing
Swirls of purple effervescence all about
Spiraling, dancing around me
I feel I am Snow White, 
graced by the song of blue birds 
perching on my shoulder
a brown-grey rabbit at my feet 
I welcome each strange creature,
seeing bursts of yellowish light
firecrackers filling me with red
It dawns on me: this is the color of love
- Love unknown/now known.
Am I dead?

• It doesn't matter. I am at peace now. It is complete. It is finished.
  

[CRNDLSM]

I like the formatting

A Mystic Journey

By Matthew Smith

I awake to a mystery,
like something in the eyes of the saints  I'd replace 'something' with SOMETHING but not literally

• or Christ and His eyes of fire 
  

I walk along a majestic sea of crystal glass so these bold types work together, I don't mind that they're the only two bold types, but maybe make them act like a sentence together since they kinda do already.
off the coast 
of my mind's eye 
my inner man is stirred to a vision
a white gloved hand
like a dolphin leaping out of the blue I see a lot of 'like's in poetry I've just never really liked them myself.
beckons me,
turns me into a wide eyed speckled wanderer
I am witness to a grand spiral staircase coming forth
Heaven-sent
the hand points like the hands on a clock multiple likes, multiple hands
It tells me to "ride the wave" are you in quotations or are you quoting what someone 'tells me'
I yield and ascend
the gloved hand slowly nudging me,
guiding me ever gently upwards
where am I going?
I am nearly faint of heart now,
gasping
one final step and I'm out of breath I'm getting an urgency without knowing why, am I tired from walking or altitude, or awe, or all of them 
- A doorway 
with a lock and key
I collapse against the wood
breathing
instinctively, my hand wanders the keyhole
like a schoolboy up a girl's skirt this sounds sexual with the keyhole, but it seems too sudden, 'like' maybe a different analogy 
I look to the hand, but there is no response.
my heart is beating in my chest wildly
observing, I wonder? 
I place my wet, sweaty fingers into the hole,
fingering for a moment,
as if searching.
yes. there it is. a latch.
I pull the dick-like trigger, what is a dick
my moist, hot hands dripping
and with a click,
the door is ajar now, revealing glowing light
Entering, the hand becomes a dove now
She flys away, in a swirl of colors
And says, "I am spirit and I am breath of your flesh. I give you permission to dwell in both arenas." Arenas of all words
I bow as I see colors I've never seen before how bow?
A masterpiece of pink opening up like a woman's breasts, or vagina
A collapsing feeling fills my chest
I ache with love
my tears flowing
Swirls of purple effervescence all about
Spiraling, dancing around me
I feel I am Snow White, ah no 'like', two sentences?
graced by the song of blue birds 
perching on my shoulder
a brown-grey rabbit at my feet 
I welcome each strange creature,
seeing bursts of yellowish light
firecrackers filling me with red pretty trippy adventure here
It dawns on me: this is the color of love
- Love unknown/now known. Is the slash indicating two separate ideas as the same, the colon above makes me think your now telling me what this journey has been about
Am I dead? 

• It doesn't matter. I am at peace now. It is complete. It is finished. This bullet here takes me back to the other bullet like either these are two different sections or the first ones like the overture to the big event.  So this bullet point seems too matter of fact.  It doesn't matter is kind of weak and maybe defeatist 
  

Anyways thanks for sharing!

[newmystic]

I feel I am Snow White, ah no 'like', two sentences?
graced by the song of blue birds 
perching on my shoulder
a brown-grey rabbit at my feet 
I welcome each strange creature,
seeing bursts of yellowish light
firecrackers filling me with red pretty trippy adventure here
It dawns on me: this is the color of love
- Love unknown/now known. Is the slash indicating two separate ideas as the same, the colon above makes me think your now telling me what this journey has been about
Am I dead? 

• It doesn't matter. I am at peace now. It is complete. It is finished. This bullet here takes me back to the other bullet like either these are two different sections or the first ones like the overture to the big event.  So this bullet point seems too matter of fact.  It doesn't matter is kind of weak and maybe defeatist 
  

[/quote]

Anyways thanks for sharing!
[/quote]

thanks for the comments! I appreciate them. The sexual allusions were deliberate. Perhaps I should use a different word than arenas. This poem is about combining the sexual with the sacred or spirit. Erotic spirituality. But I need to do some editing. Thank you, again!

[Majestic Sun]

So I think this poem has a lot of The Prophet vibes. I think you are imitating Khalil Gibran a little bit, was that intentional? I think you have a nice style and the imagery in the writing shows but I feel the formatting is a little off, you shouldn't put bulletin points in your poetry and I feel that you should split them into two or three stanzas that way I can read it better. This is not to be harsh but I think it would help tremendously, I also think you use like a litle too much and it starts to feel little preachy in some ways. Like in the end of the poem, I thought it was little cheesy because you say that it is finished, what is finished?

[newmystic]

So I think this poem has a lot of The Prophet vibes. I think you are imitating Khalil Gibran a little bit, was that intentional? I think you have a nice style and the imagery in the writing shows but I feel the formatting is a little off, you should put bulletin points in your poetry and I feel that you should split them into two or three stanzas that way I can read it better. This is not to be harsh but I think it would help tremendously, I also think you use like a litle too much and it starts to feel little preachy in some ways. Like in the end of the poem, I thought it was little cheesy because you say that it is finished, what is finished?

I have read Gibran, but I wasn't directly imitating him. It was arising out of my heart based off of prophetic utterances I've read and heard in the charismatic Christian church, but with my own personal twist (mixing eroticism with religion).

Where do you think the bullet points should go? Yes, stanzas would work. And I agree I use "like" as well as the word "hand" too much. I will consider the ending. I was quoting the last words of Jesus, to both put a finish to the vision but also allude to the spiritual idea of finding holy peace and completeness.

Matthew

[Majestic Sun]

So I think this poem has a lot of The Prophet vibes. I think you are imitating Khalil Gibran a little bit, was that intentional? I think you have a nice style and the imagery in the writing shows but I feel the formatting is a little off, you should put bulletin points in your poetry and I feel that you should split them into two or three stanzas that way I can read it better. This is not to be harsh but I think it would help tremendously, I also think you use like a litle too much and it starts to feel little preachy in some ways. Like in the end of the poem, I thought it was little cheesy because you say that it is finished, what is finished?

I have read Gibran, but I wasn't directly imitating him. It was arising out of my heart based off of prophetic utterances I've read and heard in the charismatic Christian church, but with my own personal twist (mixing eroticism with religion).

Where do you think the bullet points should go? Yes, stanzas would work. And I agree I use "like" as well as the word "hand" too much. I will consider the ending. I was quoting the last words of Jesus, to both put a finish to the vision but also allude to the spiritual idea of finding holy peace and completeness.

Matthew

I meant do not put them there, it is a little distracting.

[newmystic]

Here is a rewrite, with both of you guys' notes in mind that responded.

A Mystic Journey

By Matthew Smith



My inner man is stirred to a vision
off the coast 
of my mind's eye 
I awake to a mystery,
walking along a majestic sea of crystal glass 
a dolphin leaping out of the blue 
a white gloved hand
beckons me,
turns me into a wide speckled eyed wanderer
a grand spiral staircase coming forth
Heaven-sent
the hand points and turns as if a clock 
“Ascend,” it says.
I yield and obey
the gloved hand slowly nudging me,
guiding me ever gently upwards

where am I going?
The steps bleed together,
My legs growing tired.
I am nearly faint of heart now,
gasping
one final step and I'm out of breath 
 
- A doorway 
I collapse against the wood
breathing
instinctively, my hand wanders the keyhole



·      A peek inside reveals an entire universe
 
I look to the hand, but there is no response.
my heart is beating in my chest wildly
observing, I wonder? 
I place my wet, sweaty fingers into the hole,
fingering for a moment,
searching.
·      

yes. there it is. a latch.
I grab ahold and pull the trigger,
my moist, hot hands dripping
and with a click, a release,
the door is ajar now, revealing glowing light
Entering, the hand becomes a dove 
She flys away, leaving a swirl of colors behind her
She says, "I am spirit and I am breath of your flesh. I give you permission to dwell in both universes.” 
 
I fall down as I see colors I've never seen before 
A masterpiece of pink opening up like a woman's vagina
Or breasts
A collapsing feeling fills my chest
I ache with love
my tears flowing
Swirls of purple effervescence all about
Spiraling, dancing around me
I have become Snow White, 
graced by the song of blue birds 
perching on my shoulder
a brown-grey rabbit at my feet 
I welcome each strange creature,
seeing bursts of yellowish light
firecrackers filling me with a red glow
It dawns on me: this is the color of love
- Love unknown is now known.  
Am I dead? 

• Nevermind. I am at peace now. It is complete. 
  

[Majestic Sun]

Here is a rewrite, with both of you guys' notes in mind that responded.

A Mystic Journey

By Matthew Smith



My inner man is stirred to a vision
off the coast 
of my mind's eye 
I awake to a mystery,
walking along a majestic sea of crystal glass 
a dolphin leaping out of the blue 
a white gloved hand
beckons me,
turns me into a wide speckled eyed wanderer
a grand spiral staircase coming forth
Heaven-sent
the hand points and turns as if a clock 
“Ascend,” it says.
I yield and obey
the gloved hand slowly nudging me,
guiding me ever gently upwards

where am I going?
The steps bleed together,
My legs growing tired.
I am nearly faint of heart now,
gasping
one final step and I'm out of breath 
 
- A doorway 
I collapse against the wood
breathing
instinctively, my hand wanders the keyhole



·      A peek inside reveals an entire universe
 
I look to the hand, but there is no response.
my heart is beating in my chest wildly
observing, I wonder? 
I place my wet, sweaty fingers into the hole,
fingering for a moment,
searching.
·      

yes. there it is. a latch.
I grab ahold and pull the trigger,
my moist, hot hands dripping
and with a click, a release,
the door is ajar now, revealing glowing light
Entering, the hand becomes a dove 
She flys away, leaving a swirl of colors behind her
She says, "I am spirit and I am breath of your flesh. I give you permission to dwell in both universes.” 
 
I fall down as I see colors I've never seen before 
A masterpiece of pink opening up like a woman's vagina
Or breasts
A collapsing feeling fills my chest
I ache with love
my tears flowing
Swirls of purple effervescence all about
Spiraling, dancing around me
I have become Snow White, 
graced by the song of blue birds 
perching on my shoulder
a brown-grey rabbit at my feet 
I welcome each strange creature,
seeing bursts of yellowish light
firecrackers filling me with a red glow
It dawns on me: this is the color of love
- Love unknown is now known.  
Am I dead? 

• Nevermind. I am at peace now. It is complete. 
  

Why did you make the font so big? I think size 12, times new roman would be suitable.

[newmystic]

Here is a rewrite, with both of you guys' notes in mind that responded.

A Mystic Journey

By Matthew Smith



My inner man is stirred to a vision
off the coast 
of my mind's eye 
I awake to a mystery,
walking along a majestic sea of crystal glass 
a dolphin leaping out of the blue 
a white gloved hand
beckons me,
turns me into a wide speckled eyed wanderer
a grand spiral staircase coming forth
Heaven-sent
the hand points and turns as if a clock 
“Ascend,” it says.
I yield and obey
the gloved hand slowly nudging me,
guiding me ever gently upwards

where am I going?
The steps bleed together,
My legs growing tired.
I am nearly faint of heart now,
gasping
one final step and I'm out of breath 
 
- A doorway 
I collapse against the wood
breathing
instinctively, my hand wanders the keyhole



·      A peek inside reveals an entire universe
 
I look to the hand, but there is no response.
my heart is beating in my chest wildly
observing, I wonder? 
I place my wet, sweaty fingers into the hole,
fingering for a moment,
searching.
·      

yes. there it is. a latch.
I grab ahold and pull the trigger,
my moist, hot hands dripping
and with a click, a release,
the door is ajar now, revealing glowing light
Entering, the hand becomes a dove 
She flys away, leaving a swirl of colors behind her
She says, "I am spirit and I am breath of your flesh. I give you permission to dwell in both universes.” 
 
I fall down as I see colors I've never seen before 
A masterpiece of pink opening up like a woman's vagina
Or breasts
A collapsing feeling fills my chest
I ache with love
my tears flowing
Swirls of purple effervescence all about
Spiraling, dancing around me
I have become Snow White, 
graced by the song of blue birds 
perching on my shoulder
a brown-grey rabbit at my feet 
I welcome each strange creature,
seeing bursts of yellowish light
firecrackers filling me with a red glow
It dawns on me: this is the color of love
- Love unknown is now known.  
Am I dead? 

• Nevermind. I am at peace now. It is complete. 
  

Why did you make the font so big? I think size 12, times new roman would be suitable.

I copy/pasted it from a different source. The font can be changed. I'm not married to 13.5. Just working with what I pasted. Was that your only comment to my rewrite?

[newmystic]

Sorry. I just got Majestic Sun's comment about bullet points and not to use them. Actually, originally they were dashes, but when it was pasted here they turned into bullet points. But I meant to imitate Emily Dickinson. I also felt that I needed to adhere to the principle "Less is more", so I pared it down a bit more. Here it is below again, if you care to read it again. My aim is to present sexuality as a pure spiritual experience. So anything that might help the poem seem more "pure" towards that end would be helpful. Does that make sense?


I awake to a mystery,
walking along a majestic sea of crystal glass
a dolphin leaping out of the blue
a white glove
beckons me,
turns me into a speckled wide-eyed wanderer
a grand spiral staircase coming forth
Heaven-sent
the hand points and turns as if a clock
“Ascend,” it says.
I yield and obey.
It is nudging me,
irritating me.

Where am I going?
The steps bleed together
My legs grow tired.
I don’t want to climb anymore.
I peer to my side.
What if I jumped?

I am nearly faint of heart,
gasping.
one final step and I'm out of breath.


- A doorway
I collapse against the wood
breathing
instinctively, my hand wanders the keyhole

- A peek inside reveals an entire universe.

I look to my friend, but there is no response.
my heart is beating in my chest wildly
observing, I wonder?
I place my wet, sweaty fingers into the hole,
fingering for a moment.
yes. there it is. a latch.
I grab the trigger.
My moist, hot hand now dripping
and with a click, a release,
the door is ajar now, revealing glowing light
Entering, the glove is removed
Revealed as a dove
She flies away, leaving a swirl of colors behind her
She says, "I am spirit and I am breath of your flesh.
I give you permission to dwell in both universes now.”

I fall down as I see colors I've never seen before
A masterpiece of pink opening up like a woman's bosom
My own chest collapses
I am aching with love
tears flowing
Swirls of purple effervescence all about
Spiraling, dancing around me
I have become Snow White,
graced by the song of blue birds
perching on my shoulder,
a brown-grey rabbit at my feet,
a rooster cock-a-doodling.
I welcome each strange creature,
seeing bursts of yellowish light
firecrackers filling me with a golden glow
I am red with the color of love.
Am I dead?
Nevermind. I am at peace now. It is complete.

[Majestic Sun]

Sorry. I just got Majestic Sun's comment about bullet points and not to use them. Actually, originally they were dashes, but when it was pasted here they turned into bullet points. But I meant to imitate Emily Dickinson. I also felt that I needed to adhere to the principle "Less is more", so I pared it down a bit more. Here it is below again, if you care to read it again. My aim is to present sexuality as a pure spiritual experience. So anything that might help the poem seem more "pure" towards that end would be helpful. Does that make sense?


I awake to a mystery,
walking along a majestic sea of crystal glass
a dolphin leaping out of the blue
a white glove
beckons me,
turns me into a speckled wide-eyed wanderer
a grand spiral staircase coming forth
Heaven-sent
the hand points and turns as if a clock
“Ascend,” it says.
I yield and obey.
It is nudging me,
irritating me.

Where am I going?
The steps bleed together
My legs grow tired.
I don’t want to climb anymore.
I peer to my side.
What if I jumped?

I am nearly faint of heart,
gasping.
one final step and I'm out of breath.


- A doorway
I collapse against the wood
breathing
instinctively, my hand wanders the keyhole

- A peek inside reveals an entire universe.

I look to my friend, but there is no response.
my heart is beating in my chest wildly
observing, I wonder?
I place my wet, sweaty fingers into the hole,
fingering for a moment.
yes. there it is. a latch.
I grab the trigger.
My moist, hot hand now dripping
and with a click, a release,
the door is ajar now, revealing glowing light
Entering, the glove is removed
Revealed as a dove
She flies away, leaving a swirl of colors behind her
She says, "I am spirit and I am breath of your flesh.
I give you permission to dwell in both universes now.”

I fall down as I see colors I've never seen before
A masterpiece of pink opening up like a woman's bosom
My own chest collapses
I am aching with love
tears flowing
Swirls of purple effervescence all about
Spiraling, dancing around me
I have become Snow White,
graced by the song of blue birds
perching on my shoulder,
a brown-grey rabbit at my feet,
a rooster cock-a-doodling.
I welcome each strange creature,
seeing bursts of yellowish light
firecrackers filling me with a golden glow
I am red with the color of love.
Am I dead?
Nevermind. I am at peace now. It is complete.

Reads better now, good job, I think you have a great piece here. Also it still gives off The Prophet vibes, which is okay.

[CRNDLSM]

You can edit your original post to where it has the edited version on top and the original in a [spoiler] so people will critique the new version without having to scroll through comments. Just a suggestion

[newmystic]

You can edit your original post to where it has the edited version on top and the original in a [spoiler] so people will critique the new version without having to scroll through comments.  Just a suggestion

Thanks. I will try to do that in the future.

Matthew

[TranquillityBase]

New Mystic, just a few suggestions and reactions.  It's a very interesting poem and I really like the ending.  As to the theme you mentioned, you picked a tough one.  I'm not seeing a lot of sexuality in the images, but I'm kind of a literal minded reader, so that's probably not your fault.


I awake to a mystery,
walking along a majestic sea of crystal glass 
a dolphin leaping out of the blue 
a white glove
beckons me,                                                       make this one line
turns me into a speckled wide-eyed wanderer
a grand spiral staircase coming forth
Heaven-sent
the hand points and turns as if a clock 
“Ascend,” it says.
I yield and obey.
It is nudging me,
irritating me.

Where am I going?
The steps bleed together
My legs grow tired.
I don’t want to climb anymore.
I peer to my side.
What if I jumped?

I am nearly faint of heart,
gasping.                                                one line i think, no need to isolate gasping
one final step and I'm out of breath.


- A doorway 
I collapse against the wood
breathing
instinctively, my hand wanders the keyhole

- A peek inside reveals an entire universe.

I look to my friend, but there is no response.               I was a little puzzled where this friend came from since it's the first mention of another person
my heart is beating in my chest wildly
observing, I wonder? 
I place my wet, sweaty fingers into the hole,
fingering for a moment.
yes. there it is. a latch.
I grab the trigger.
My moist, hot hand now dripping
and with a click, a release,
the door is ajar now, revealing glowing light
Entering, the glove is removed 
Revealed as a dove 
She flies away, leaving a swirl of colors behind her
She says, "I am spirit and I am breath of your flesh.
I give you permission to dwell in both universes now.” 

I fall down as I see colors I've never seen before 
A masterpiece of pink opening up like a woman's bosom
My own chest collapses
I am aching with love
tears flowing
Swirls of purple effervescence all about
Spiraling, dancing around me
I have become Snow White, 
graced by the song of blue birds 
perching on my shoulder,
a brown-grey rabbit at my feet,
a rooster cock-a-doodling.                                I'm ambivalent about the Snow White section.  It's a startling image, but also confusing to me.
I welcome each strange creature,
seeing bursts of yellowish light
firecrackers filling me with a golden glow
I am red with the color of love.
Am I dead? 
Nevermind. I am at peace now. It is complete.

[newmystic]

Thanks for the thoughtful reply. And I agree the sexual aspect is too toned down. Initially I was told it was too quick of a jump, but I'll tweak it.

Matthew