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Billy Milligan
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10-13-2021, 12:38 PM
Sunspots
warping the corona radiata Slowly flowing across, and connecting like droplets of water. A troublesome set of eyes, darting around; another creature at the helm. Many worlds-- unable to converge. 
10-13-2021, 01:20 PM
(10-13-2021, 12:38 PM)Kerbonzo_beenz Wrote: Sunspots Feedback on this would be: it’s far too wordy for a short poem Sunpots do not warp the corona The analogy between sunspots and droplets of water is a strange one. If it is meant to be a contrast, it isn’t built upon Eyes darting around - very different speeds than sunspots or droplets of water. These are just very dissimilar things and the analogy doesn’t hold The conclusion is vague
10-14-2021, 08:30 AM
(10-13-2021, 01:20 PM)busker Wrote: (10-14-2021, 08:30 AM)Kerbonzo_beenz Wrote: [quote="busker" pid='256390' dateline='1634098801']The corona radiata is a part of the brain where most of the nueral traffic goes through. I wasn't referring to the sun.
10-14-2021, 08:57 AM
Ok, my bad.
Thanks for clarifying Not sure about the sunspots there, but the rest of the poem is easier to understand with that explanation 
10-15-2021, 10:41 PM
Hey beenz-
some comments Sunspots warping the corona radiata I can see that you're trying to describe a stroke victim (Billy Milligan), but the analogy of "sunspots" to "corona" is confusing right outta the gate. Perhaps you could sub "mass ejections" Slowly flowing across, and connecting like droplets of water. The comparison of "sunspots" to "slowly flowing" and "droplets of water" needs to be re-thunk. Focus more on "connecting" or the mis-connections A troublesome set of eyes, Odd phrasing here: how about "troubled eyes"? darting around; Maybe just "darting" another creature at the helm. "creature" doesn't work for me Many worlds--Perhaps "senses" unable to converge. Just a suggestion: Mass ejections punctured the corona radiata. Connections misfire; troubled eyes darting, like someone else is at the helm. Senses unable to converge. 
10-18-2021, 07:18 PM
Interesting person to write a poem about, but I don't think it really describes Billy Milligan. That type of brain activity is more in line with a schizoid personality than MPD or DID as they now call it. As Mark said I could see it describing a stroke victim or more likely someone with epilepsy although BM was neither a stroke victim nor did he suffer from epilepsy. I think if you dropped the first two stanzas it would make more sense in terms of your title and be less confusing.
best, dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't. |
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