Casualty

[dukealien]

Casualty

Pink-red splotch on bruised
mauve sunrise: new day opens
survivable wound.

---

Thinking about "inflicts" vice "opens."  And I owe someone a critique...

[busker]

Had you posted this in NaPM previously?
I think I saw it before
I’m in two minds as to whether it’s better to have the second line split into two, but otherwise fine economy of words.
Nice!

[dukealien]

Had you posted this in NaPM previously?
I think I saw it before
I’m in two minds as to whether it’s better to have the second line split into two, but otherwise fine economy of words.
Nice!

You're probably thinking of this one

Cut Dawn


Wounded sky seeps red
on slit silk cloud-kimono
sun-slain night expires.

They're certainly similar, but based on different sunrises   .  I mean, if someone can write fifty about the same moon and 47 about the same mountain...

I'd almost forgotten the earlier one, but aside from sharper clouds there was no pink in the sunrise for "Cut Dawn" - none at all.

(I've got this window in my new house, you see, a French window that faces exactly southeast.)

But enough excuses!  Thanks, I'll try to do better next bl**dy sunrise   .

[Tiger the Lion]

Casualty

Pink-red splotch on bruised
mauve sunrise: new day opens
survivable wound.

---

Thinking about "inflicts" vice "opens."  And I owe someone a critique...

"opens" is the far superior word choice to "inflicts." If the wound is survivable then "inflicts" would border on hyperbole. "Opens" also creates a double meaning on the enjambment, which is nice. It's a little wordy for my taste (haiku-wise) but the actual word choices are spot on.

[busker]

They're certainly similar, but based on different sunrises   .  I mean, if someone can write fifty about the same moon and 47 about the same mountain...

I'm googling like crazy to see the reference, because this would be an awesome trivia question....

[dukealien]

They're certainly similar, but based on different sunrises   .  I mean, if someone can write fifty about the same moon and 47 about the same mountain...

I'm googling like crazy to see the reference, because this would be an awesome trivia question....

Save the effort!  I didn't even look up the number of views Hokusai drew of Mt Fuji (then - it's 36 + 100 or 102).  Just, you know, made up some numbers.  Be glad my day job isn't ballot-counter! 

(Seriously, with my serendipitous sunrise frame in mind I can see how someone with a suitable education, time on his hands, and a good inkstone could, indeed, write 50 haiku about seasonal views of the moon over his own tea-garden.  And none of them bad.)

[Mark A Becker]

Hey duke-

I'm not a fan of haiku/senryu titles. 

"opens" was the correct choice, but the other words, not so much.  Pink-red splotch on bruised mauve sunrise is redundant, stretching to fill the syllable count.

There's only so much that can happen in 17 syllables, making each of them count that much more.

I have as much trouble as the next person trying to write these.
Mark

[dukealien]

Hey duke-

I'm not a fan of haiku/senryu titles. 

"opens" was the correct choice, but the other words, not so much.  Pink-red splotch on bruised mauve sunrise is redundant, stretching to fill the syllable count.

There's only so much that can happen in 17 syllables, making each of them count that much more.

I have as much trouble as the next person trying to write these.
Mark

I agree, "mauve" is weak.  Replacing "[P]ink-red" with "cerise" would be the same sort of thing, but worse and lose the blood association.  Not defending my word choice, just rattling an empty head containing no good alternatives.

And now, to bundle up and shovel fallen clouds off my driveway and sidewalk.   Living a thousand miles north of last year, but (so far) the electricity has stayed on here!