Assateague Island

[Mark A Becker]

Our Day On Assateague Island

   A summer Sunday,
morning opens, like roses
  welcoming the sun...

  Noontime, sandy trails-
wild ponies across the marsh
  by loblolly pines...

  Sun beaming through trees
as our shadows stretch eastward
  tall grass waves good-bye...

  Enhanced by moonlight,
your subtle body language
  asking to slow dance.

Sunday, early Spring-
morning opens like a rose,
  welcoming the sun.
...

  An afternoon stroll-
wild ponies crossing the marsh
  by loblolly pines.
...

  Sun beaming through trees
as our shadows stretch eastward,
  tall grass waves good-bye.
...

  Shadows enhancing
what a body’s language for-
  waltzing with the moon.

[TranquillityBase]

Sunday, early Spring-
morning opens like a rose,
  welcoming the sun.
...

  An afternoon stroll-
wild ponies crossing the marsh
  by loblolly pines.
...

  Sun beaming through trees
as our shadows stretch eastward,
  tall grass waves good-bye.
...

  Shadows enhancing
what a body’s language for-
  waltzing with the moon.

These could almost be four separate poems.  

I do trip over "what a body's language for" everytime I read it.

If it was 4 poems, my far favorites would be 2 and 3.

[Tiger the Lion]

Sunday, early Spring-
morning opens like a rose, don't need this comma
  welcoming the sun.
...

  An afternoon stroll-
wild ponies crossing the marsh
  by loblolly pines.
...

  Sun beaming through trees
as our shadows stretch eastward, "as our" is a little too much syllable padding
  tall grass waves good-bye.
...

  Shadows enhancing
what a body’s language for- a little confusing
  waltzing with the moon.

Each is nice on its own. As a collection, a little polishing would round them out better.

[Mark A Becker]

These could almost be four separate poems.  

It's actually 4 scenes within a single day. I'm going to change the title to reflect that.

I do trip over "what a body's language for" everytime I read it.

It is too clunky.  I've revised it.

Thanks for your comments, Tim.

---

as our shadows stretch eastward, "as our" is a little too much syllable padding

Within the context of the line, it would've been funny if you said 'strecth' instead of 'padding'.  I've worked this line several times already, so I think I'm gonna need to keep it.

what a body’s language for- a little confusing
 

I agree.  Both you and Tim pointed this one out.

Thanks Paul, I appreciate your observations.

[TranquillityBase]

Our Day On Assateague Island

   A summer Sunday
morning opens like a rose
  welcoming the sun...

  On our noontime stroll-
wild ponies across the marsh
  by loblolly pines...

  Sun beaming through trees
as our shadows stretch eastward
  tall grass waves good-bye...

  Enhanced by moonlight,
your subtle body language
  asking to slow dance.

Hi Mark,

I have a little problem with that morning opening like a rose.  Morning happens pretty quickly, a rose opening, not so much.  Or is the rose not opening, but morning?

You improved the 4th stanza and took away my problems there.

Nice one.

Tim

[brynmawr1]

Our Day On Assateague Island

   A summer Sunday
morning opens like a rose     has a better rhythm, i think.  Also, opens suggests morning.  I like the rose simile.
  welcoming the sun...

  On our noontime stroll-
wild ponies across the marsh           comma?
  by loblolly pines...

  Sun beams through trees                could be noun or verb, what ever works for you.
as our shadows stretch eastward
  tall grass waves good-bye...

  Enhanced by moonlight,
your subtle body language
  asking to slow dance.            "Your subtle body language, asks for a moonlight dance."  More dramatic, "demands" or "requires", etc.

Sunday, early Spring-
morning opens like a rose,
  welcoming the sun.
...

  An afternoon stroll-
wild ponies crossing the marsh
  by loblolly pines.
...

  Sun beaming through trees
as our shadows stretch eastward,
  tall grass waves good-bye.
...

  Shadows enhancing
what a body’s language for-
  waltzing with the moon.

Hi Mark,
Really works as written with great heartfelt imagery.  I made few suggestions but who am I to say.  Very nice,
bryn

[Mark A Becker]

... is the rose not opening, but morning? Yes, Tim, I was going for the glory of the morning, not the syncing of the time.

---

morning opens like a rose     has a better rhythm, i think.

  Hi Steve, throughout this piece I maintain a 5-7-5 syllable count for each stanza.  Why?  Because it's a challenge.

...wild ponies across the marsh     comma?

HA! I had a comma, then no comma, then comma, then no comma.  While it is grammatically correct to insert the comma, I ultimately felt that the line break after 'marsh' offered a sufficient pause.
 

  Sun beams through trees    could be noun or verb, what ever works for you.

I chose 'beaming' for its double meaning: 1) shafts of light 2) a big smile

...  asking to slow dance.       "Your subtle body language, asks for a moonlight dance."  More dramatic, "demands" or "requires", etc.

I decided that 'subtle' implied a polite way 'asking'.  I'm not overly enthused about 'asking', but I wanted to stick with the syllable count, and I didn't want to go for something more dramatic. 

While I stuck with the 5-7-5 structure, I did not want that to be too noticeable.

I appreciate your comments Steve.  Thanks

[brynmawr1]

... is the rose not opening, but morning? Yes, Tim, I was going for the glory of the morning, not the syncing of the time.

---

morning opens like a rose     has a better rhythm, i think.

  Hi Steve, throughout this piece I maintain a 5-7-5 syllable count for each stanza.  Why?  Because it's a challenge.

...wild ponies across the marsh     comma?

HA! I had a comma, then no comma, then comma, then no comma.  While it is grammatically correct to insert the comma, I ultimately felt that the line break after 'marsh' offered a sufficient pause.
 

  Sun beams through trees    could be noun or verb, what ever works for you.

I chose 'beaming' for its double meaning: 1) shafts of light 2) a big smile

...  asking to slow dance.       "Your subtle body language, asks for a moonlight dance."  More dramatic, "demands" or "requires", etc.

I decided that 'subtle' implied a polite way 'asking'.  I'm not overly enthused about 'asking', but I wanted to stick with the syllable count, and I didn't want to go for something more dramatic. 

While I stuck with the 5-7-5 structure, I did not want that to be too noticeable.

I appreciate your comments Steve.  Thanks

Hi Mark,
I obviously didn't pick up on the 5-7-5 structure.  Not savvy enough yet!  Thanks for going through my comments to explain things.  Helps me learn.
best
streve