Black on Bone White

[TranquillityBase]

At dusk, black wasps
swarm a hanging basket
filled with deer antlers
and the skeleton of a fawn.

At dusk, black wasps

swarm a hanging basket

filled with deer antlers. 

They search about the spirals

then fly away into night.









At dusk black wasps



swarm a hanging basket



piled with deer antlers



and the skeleton of a fawn.



Black on bone white 



against gray.

[Semicircle]

At dusk black wasps
swarm a hanging basket
filled with deer antlers
and the skeleton of a fawn.
Black on bone white   Skeletons are often bone white.
against gray.   this makes me think of asphalt, but the previous line is a bit of a head scratcher.

I'm not sure if wasps makes for a good title since the poem doesn't focus much on them.

I really like this piece, but I think the last two lines need some reworking, so I can understand it better.

[TranquillityBase]

At dusk black wasps
swarm a hanging basket
filled with deer antlers
and the skeleton of a fawn.
Black on bone white   Skeletons are often bone white.
against gray.   this makes me think of asphalt, but the previous line is a bit of a head scratcher.

I'm not sure if wasps makes for a good title since the poem doesn't focus much on them.

I really like this piece, but I think the last two lines need some reworking, so I can understand it better.

Thanks Semi.  I may just cut those last two lines.

[Mark A Becker]

Black on Bone White 

At dusk, black wasps
swarm a hanging basket
filled with deer antlers 
and the skeleton of a fawn.

Hey Tim,
Maybe "Black On Bone WHite" could be the title. ??

"the skeleton of a fawn."
This line added, I think, and I was sorry to see it cut.  It could be the last line of the poem, as the new replacements have much less impact.

As you know, I'm a big fan of short poem/observations.

Mark

[TranquillityBase]

Black on Bone White 

At dusk, black wasps
swarm a hanging basket
filled with deer antlers 
and the skeleton of a fawn.

Hey Tim,
Maybe "Black On Bone WHite" could be the title. ??        yes

"the skeleton of a fawn."
This line added, I think, and I was sorry to see it cut.  It could be the last line of the poem, as the new replacements have much less impact.
I wasn't sure if "skeleton of a fawn" was too much.  Glad to see you feel it's not.  I'm pretty much taking on your version.

As you know, I'm a big fan of short poem/observations.
And we're glad you are 

Mark

[Mark A Becker]

I wasn't sure if "skeleton of a fawn" was too much.  Glad to see you feel it's not.

Hi Tim,

Including that line makes the reader wonder "how did that skeleton get there?" "did someone kill that fawn?"

That last line is unexpected, and it opens up the poem to several interpretations. It suggests that the writer has the same questions as the reader.