Next in Time (edit of To Salinger's Seymour)

[TranquillityBase]

The phoebe
perched on a rock
tail twitching

about to pounce.

ver. 3
A phoebe

perched on a rock

twitching its tail

about to pounce.







ver. 2

The twitching tail

of a phoebe

perched on a rock



about to pounce.



ver. 1

Life is a cut-up

and each of us an oracle:

the twitching tail of a phoebe

perched on a rock

about to pounce.

[Mark A Becker]

Hey Tim-

Really nice short one, but I don't think you even need the first two lines.

The twitching tail
of a phoebe
perched on a rock

about to pounce.


You know me, edit edit edit, until very little remains.  That said, those last three lines were all I needed (even though I'd suggest four, with some white space.  I feel the Catcher in the Rye vibe... "when a body catch a body comin' through the rye". That, and the double entendre of Phoebe (flycatcher/woman).  For me, there's plenty enough in those lines.

Might suggest "a body catch a body" for the title.

Cool beans,
Mark

[TranquillityBase]

Mark,

Thanks for the read and the comments.  I was all set, after first reading them, to argue about the first two lines, but I slept on it, and decided you are correct, and Seymour would agree with you.

However, the title is important to me, so I'm keeping it and adding a spoiler to explain who Seymour is.

Tim

[brynmawr1]

Mark,

Thanks for the read and the comments.  I was all set, after first reading them, to argue about the first two lines, but I slept on it, and decided you are correct, and Seymour would agree with you.

However, the title is important to me, so I'm keeping it and adding a spoiler to explain who Seymour is.

Tim

Hi Tim,

I like your poem as the imagery is there so emotionally it works for me.  I have to admit I don't get the deeper meaning.  I am not familiar with the Seymour character (I did look it up) so that probably doesn't help.  I am familiar with Pheobe as an oracle at Delphi.  I get lost with the twitching tail, cat prophecy reference.  And if I'm being nudgy, the way it reads sound like it's the tail that is doing the pouncing.
Thanks,
steve

[TranquillityBase]

Hi Tim,

I like your poem as the imagery is there so emotionally it works for me.  I have to admit I don't get the deeper meaning.  I am not familiar with the Seymour character (I did look it up) so that probably doesn't help.  I am familiar with Pheobe as an oracle at Delphi.  I get lost with the twitching tail, cat prophecy reference.  And if I'm being nudgy, the way it reads sound like it's the tail that is doing the pouncing.
Thanks,
steve

Yep, you are right about that "twitching tail".  A phoebe is a tiny bird, prevalent around our patio (where there are several nests of them each year) also known as the Tyrant Fly Catcher.  And the Seymour reference is especially lost when I cut those first lines, but would be obscure even with them.  The character is, among other things, a writer of hundreds of never to be published haiku, a child genius, a follower of the Vedanta, and ultimately, a suicide.

I need to write a longer poem about him.  This was written after being immersed in Salinger's writings for about two weeks, in a moment of exaltation on completing my reading.

Thanks for nudging!
Tim

[brynmawr1]

Hi Tim,

I like your poem as the imagery is there so emotionally it works for me.  I have to admit I don't get the deeper meaning.  I am not familiar with the Seymour character (I did look it up) so that probably doesn't help.  I am familiar with Pheobe as an oracle at Delphi.  I get lost with the twitching tail, cat prophecy reference.  And if I'm being nudgy, the way it reads sound like it's the tail that is doing the pouncing.
Thanks,
steve

Yep, you are right about that "twitching tail".  A phoebe is a tiny bird, prevalent around our patio (where there are several nests of them each year) also known as the Tyrant Fly Catcher.  And the Seymour reference is especially lost when I cut those first lines, but would be obscure even with them.  The character is, among other things, a writer of hundreds of never to be published haiku, a child genius, a follower of the Vedanta, and ultimately, a suicide.

I need to write a longer poem about him.  This was written after being immersed in Salinger's writings for about two weeks, in a moment of exaltation on completing my reading.

Thanks for nudging!
Tim

I did my research so I get it now.  A cute little bird with a fierce name armed with the harbinger of my future!  That's a lot to pack into four lines. For what it's worth, I find the balance between saying too much and being too obscure exhausting.   I look forward to the Salinger poem.  In the mean time, I will add him to my reading list.
keep writing,
steve

[Mark A Becker]

Hello again Tim-

I read Steve's comment that "pounce", grammatically speaking, refers back to "the twitching tail" and see how that could cause confusion.

And that leads to a suggestion, which shortens this one even more, while capitalizing the bird's/woman's name.  Of course, it's just a suggestion:

Phoebe
twitching
perched on a rock

about to pounce.

ps. I left off the body part, to avoid a visual of a woman twitching her ass. Also, I wouldn't have commented again unless I really liked this one.  It really is fine in the revision, I just couldn't help but tinker-- chisel, chisel chisel, til there's nothing left but dust... 

[TranquillityBase]

Hello again Tim-

I read Steve's comment that "pounce", grammatically speaking, refers back to "the twitching tail" and see how that could cause confusion.

And that leads to a suggestion, which shortens this one even more, while capitalizing the bird's/woman's name.  Of course, it's just a suggestion:

Phoebe
twitching
perched on a rock

about to pounce.

ps. I left off the body part, to avoid a visual of a woman twitching her ass. Also, I wouldn't have commented again unless I really liked this one.  It really is fine in the revision, I just couldn't help but tinker-- chisel, chisel chisel, til there's nothing left but dust... 

Mark,

Thanks for revisiting.  I don't really like the ambiguity of just saying "Phoebe" because I want it to be a picture of the bird.  Anyway, I'm editing and replacing the now meaningless title with something I hope is more appropriate.

Tim

[brynmawr1]

A phoebe                    The?  could go either way but it feels a little more direct.
perched on a rock
twitching its tail                 tail twitching
about to pounce.              bring back the white space between these lines that mark suggested

ver. 2
The twitching tail
of a phoebe
perched on a rock

about to pounce.

ver. 1
Life is a cut-up
and each of us an oracle:
the twitching tail of a phoebe
perched on a rock
about to pounce.

Hi Tim,
Forgive me if you feel like you are being pecked at by a bird, but I had some suggestions above.
steve

[TranquillityBase]

Hi Tim,
Forgive me if you feel like you are being pecked at by a bird, but I had some suggestions above.
steve

I declare it done 

[brynmawr1]

Hi Tim,
Forgive me if you feel like you are being pecked at by a bird, but I had some suggestions above.
steve

I declare it done 

Ha!  The Phoebe has pounced!