Souvenir (title change, edit)

[dukealien]

Souvenir


I thought my pet spider died
yet here she sits knitting
in her corner on her web.
It was only her discarded
outgrown exoskeleton
found like an empty
sandy swimsuit at low tide.

Remnant


I thought my pet spider had died
but there she is knitting
in the corner on her web–
it was only her discarded
exoskeleton, molted away
like a lost swimsuit found
on the beach at low tide.

[Semicircle]

Remnant


I thought my pet spider had died
but there she is knitting
in the corner on her web–
it was only her discarded
exoskeleton, molted away
like a lost swimsuit found
on the beach at low tide.

Some stuff I'd consider shavin'

Remnant doesn't seem to be appropriate for this title, since it seems a little lighthearted.

[Tiger the Lion]

Remnant


I thought my pet spider had died
but there she is knitting I always feel "here" is more immediate than "there" - when possible
in the corner on her web– "her web in the corner" would read more fluid to my ear
---------------------
it was only 
her discarded
exoskeleton, molted away
like a lost swimsuit found
on the beach at low tide.

If I split the poem in half I feel like the image in the latter half more than deserves a little polish in the first half. L3 is a little wordy by my read.

[brynmawr1]

Remnant


I thought my pet spider had died
but there she is knitting
in the corner on her web–   why not just a period here?
it was only her discarded
exoskeleton, molted away   maybe a different descriptor of molted
like a lost swimsuit found   nice juxtaposition 
on the beach at low tide.

Hey Duke,
Nice poem.  I agree with SC's comments but for the "but".  If you are trying to keep symmetry in the lines you could consider changing "on the beach" to "in the sand".  If you are considering a different title maybe "Lost and Found"?
Thanks for the read,
bryn

[dukealien]

Souvenir (was Remnant)


I thought my pet spider died
yet here she sits knitting
in her corner on her web.
It was only her discarded
outgrown exoskeleton
found like an empty
sandy swimsuit at low tide.

---

Good advice, all!  Thanks!

[TranquillityBase]

Souvenir (was Remnant)


I thought my pet spider died
yet here she sits knitting
in her corner on her web.
It was only her discarded
outgrown exoskeleton
found like an empty
sandy swimsuit at low tide.

Duke,

Coming in here late.  "sandy" in the last line troubles me.  It's a good metaphor for the dustiness of a leftover exoskeleton, but sand and dust are so different, it sticks out for me.  

Other than that quibble, a very fine little poem.

TqB

[dukealien]

Souvenir (was Remnant)


I thought my pet spider died
yet here she sits knitting
in her corner on her web.
It was only her discarded
outgrown exoskeleton
found like an empty
sandy swimsuit at low tide.

Duke,

Coming in here late.  "sandy" in the last line troubles me.  It's a good metaphor for the dustiness of a leftover exoskeleton, but sand and dust are so different, it sticks out for me.  

Other than that quibble, a very fine little poem.

TqB

Thanks, @TqB!  I was ambivalent in the above about transposing "empty" with "sandy."  What you don't seem to be getting (and that's my fault, not yours!) is that "sandy" applies to the swimsuit in the simile, not my pet, her corner, or her cast.  You know, how swimsuits get when they've been in the sand (even occupied) - sandy.  I may have over-compressed the beach image from the original version... your critique taken under advisement for possible revision.

[busker]

Souvenir


I thought my pet spider died
yet here she sits knitting
in her corner on her web.
It was only her discarded
outgrown exoskeleton
found like an empty
sandy swimsuit at low tide.

Remnant


I thought my pet spider had died
but there she is knitting
in the corner on her web–
it was only her discarded
exoskeleton, molted away
like a lost swimsuit found
on the beach at low tide.

Edit suggestion above
I like the simile at the end, very vivid

---

The simile and the poem are clever. The title doesn’t do them justice.