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My friend, your face
My friend, your face
grows dearer the farther
you go away from me.
Awash in the sea
are all our days
together
for futurity,
yet the thought of your eyes
fills me with gladness,
and the garden of youth
still grows memories
of the things that you were,
whatever you be.
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Threads: 1
Joined: Sep 2022
Just some thoughts on how I would change things up if I were you. I think your poem is nice overall but I wasn't sure why "for futurity" needed to be added. It didn't flow as well, however, that's just my opinion. Excellently done, though.
My friend, your face
My friend,
your face grows dearer the farther you go away from me.
Awash in the sea
are all our days together
yet the thought of your eyes fills me with gladness,
and the garden of youth
still grows memories of the things that you were,
whatever you may be.
[/quote]
Posts: 254
Threads: 137
Joined: Feb 2022
(09-06-2022, 10:24 AM)busker Wrote: My friend, your face
My friend, your face
grows dearer the farther
you go away from me. drift
Awash in the sea at
are all our days
together
for futurity, I agree with Johnin, futurity seems overkill
yet the thought of your eyes
fills me with gladness,
and the garden of youth
still grows memories
of the things that you were,
whatever you be.
This poem is beautiful and brightened my day a little.
Some small suggestions above, otherwize, good piece.
Cheers for the read,
SC
Posts: 695
Threads: 139
Joined: Jun 2015
Hi busker-
Your poem is an interesting observation of friendship. Some in-line comments, below:
My friend, your face
My friend, your face
grows dearer the farther
you are from me. Just suggesting an internal rhyme
Awash in the sea Perhaps "lost at sea" or something like that to suggest loss
are all our days
together
for futurity, I find this phrase distracting
yet The thought of your eyes
fills me with gladness,
and the garden of youth
still grows memories
of the things that you were,
whatever you be. Hmmm ?? This ending needs work. Finding a 'natural' rhyme with 'memories' will help it pop. I have asn ending in mind, but it's not my poem.
Keeping this one compact can work if the language is tightened.
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(09-06-2022, 10:24 AM)busker Wrote: My friend, your face
My friend, your face
grows dearer the farther
you go are away from me.
Awash Adrift(?) in the sea
are all our days
together
for futurity, This distracts. Were you reaching for an alternative to "eternity" here?
yet the thought of your eyes
fills me with gladness,
and the garden of youth
still grows memories
of the things that you were,
whatever you be.
It feels to me like some of the word choices here are attempts to avoid cliche, but these, instead, result in some distracting sections. It wouldn't take much to resolve these issues, though. I enjoyed imagining the friendship that must have given rise to the work.