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Baby has no doubts
shouts me down
burns me inside out.
Baby’s always on the make,
to her, I’m just another fake.
Baby always plays
in her desert of days
for the jackals of pleasure
and just for good measure
reduces the fusion
to bless my confusion.
Baby knows how to fly
across my bent nickel sky
gives my puppet moves
to a dance she chooses.
Baby’s no whore
on a sure fingered tour
and I’m never done
until Baby counts one.
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'Be my baby' sounds like an Beatles era lyric
(09-06-2022, 08:57 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote: Baby has no doubts
shouts down satellites
making my love an interruption be my baby who makes me feel like I'm interupting her life?
a flaking conjunction,
licks the gunpowder off my hands but you're holding the gun
never turns around
except to signal goodnight.
Baby has more to say
than a splintering bomb on a holy day
cutting the wires of salvation
letting me fall one finger at a time I can't figure out why fingers, does this relate back to the trigger to bring the gunpowder?
lifting up my sacred dementia
tossing it in a roadside bin.
Baby is coming in my direction
on a live end street 'live' or 'live'?
leading to a refused desert
where saints wander barking
at moons of distraction. Are the moons the distraction? Or is this like a sub level, moons of moons?
Baby’s got no knees if you please. Two babies here, is this from 'visions of Johanna's?
Baby has to play “no way”
for the jackals of pleasure
in time to the music of nursery requiems
reducing the fusion
to absolute confusion.
Baby’s hum across the bent nickel sky
knows the journey two baby's here again hmm
a contorted trickle half-way to Heaven.
Baby makes my puppet move
as smooth as baby wants it to.
With as many rhymes as there are and deliberate repetitions, I almost wish this was a more structured piece, I dare say it could be turned into a song
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
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(09-06-2022, 08:57 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote: Baby has no doubts
shouts down satellites Sounds very confident!
making my love's an interruption Wasn't sure of the connection to the previous line so I took away the implication
a flaking conjunction, like the idea but pause on flaking a bit
licks the gunpowder off my hands disturbing erotic image
never turns around
except to signal goodnight.
Baby has more to say
than a splintering bomb on a holy day
cutting the wires of salvation setup for puppet?
letting me fall one finger at a time I like this line but a little bit of a mixed metaphor with wires
lifting up my sacred dementia
tossing it in a roadside bin.
Baby is coming in my direction
on a live end street "live end", does that mean something specific?
leading to a refused desert
where saints wander barking my favorite line
at moons of distraction. consider ending with moons and use different or adjusted modifier.
Baby’s got no knees if you please. doesn't kneel rhyme feels a little forced here
Baby has to play “no way”
for the jackals of pleasure
in time to the music of nursery requiems
reducing the fusion
to absolute confusion.
Baby’s hum across the bent nickel sky another good line
knows the journey
a contorted trickle half-way to Heaven.
Baby makes my puppet move
as smooth as baby wants it to. I like the ending but the strength ebbs with the last three words. maybe end at "wants" or find loose rhyme with "smooth" (choose?).
Hey Tim,
I get a dysfunctional almost abusive relationship vibe with a hint of prostitute. There are times when I lose the tread a bit. I found it interesting that you didn't use any pronouns referring to "Baby". Thanks for the read.
steve
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(09-08-2022, 07:23 AM)CRNDLSM Wrote: 'Be my baby' sounds like an Beatles era lyric
The Ronettes, featuring Ronnie Spector, released 'Be My Baby' in 1963, and the Ronettes opened for the Beatles while on tour in the USA in 1966. My older brother went to the '66 show in DC, but wouldn't take me (and I'm still pissed off about that).
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Hey Tim-
Instead of a line-by-line, I'd only suggest that you read this aloud, then adjust the language to roll off of yer tongue a bit easier. Shouldn't take too many tweeks to get it down.
Mark
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Thanks for all the comments. I've boiled Baby down and, perhaps perversely, doubled down on the rhymes, not my strong suit.
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(09-11-2022, 11:25 PM)TranquillityBase Wrote: Thanks for all the comments. I've boiled Baby down and, perhaps perversely, doubled down on the rhymes, not my strong suit.
Hey Tim-
I very much like this revision.
The rhymes fall in place nicely, except here, to which I suggest some slight changes:
Baby knows how to fly
across my bent nickel sky
makes my puppet move
to
any dance she
'll choose.
Adding a line to S.1 should be easy: something with '
what-a-bouts' could work. Also, the ending could be stronger.
All that said, I don't see any rhyming issues- they work well.
Thanks!
Mark
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Okay hear me out, the revision is good, I like the rhymes and the rhythm, I think you lost a little bit of your own style though to the stricter form. What if you were to blend the two drafts together, cut and paste, a little form a little chaos. Just an idea.
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
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Hey Tim,
You made some nice edits. It reads very well to my ear. I agree with Mark's suggestions for S4.
I got nothin' else.
Nice work,
steve
