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It’s before sunrise
too early to call out your name,
but I wanted to check in.
I’m back from the mountains
with a toothache
and your mother is still sleeping.
Just so you know
I moved your iron man
onto the patio.
He’s lost those delicately wired arms
enduring too many storms
(he’s top heavy as you said
the last time I saw you)
but still peers patiently
at me, the way you used to
when I told you my stories.
You will always be part of me
so I send you this news.
I hope there’s still a way
for you to receive it.
If not, that’s OK too,
for my words to you
are a loophole
even death cannot close.
Posts: 695
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Joined: Jun 2015
Hi Tim-
Very poignant piece, and I love its simplicity. I think it would be most effective if you picked it up here:
I moved your iron man
onto the patio.
This poem harkens back to your Rayuela. Thanks for this one,
Mark
Hello again Tim-
I subtracted a bit, but did not change any of your words, and only added one other word- a simple 'and ':
I moved your iron man
onto the patio. He’s lost
his arms- too many storms-
but still peers patiently
at your leftover father.
I send you this news
and pray there’s still a way
for you to receive it.
If not, that’s OK too,
for my words to you
are a loophole
even death cannot close.
This is powerful piece, Tim, regardless of my suggestions. The 1/8 of the iceberg you share reveals the weight of the 7/8 that only you can know.
Mark
Posts: 894
Threads: 176
Joined: Jan 2021
(09-14-2022, 11:31 PM)Mark A Becker Wrote: Hi Tim-
Very poignant piece, and I love its simplicity. I think it would be most effective if you picked it up here:
I moved your iron man
onto the patio.
This poem harkens back to your Rayuela. Thanks for this one,
Mark
Hello again Tim-
I subtracted a bit, but did not change any of your words, and only added one other word- a simple 'and ':
I moved your iron man
onto the patio. He’s lost
his arms- too many storms-
but still peers patiently
at your leftover father.
I send you this news
and pray there’s still a way
for you to receive it.
If not, that’s OK too,
for my words to you
are a loophole
even death cannot close.
This is powerful piece, Tim, regardless of my suggestions. The 1/8 of the iceberg you share reveals the weight of the 7/8 that only you can know.
Mark
Thank you Mark, an excellent critique. It was very much a first draft and I'll be taking your rewrite on.
Tim
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(09-14-2022, 10:21 PM)TranquillityBase Wrote: I’m back from the mountains
with a toothache.
leftover father.
You will always be part of me
my words to you
are a loophole
even death cannot close.
Each of those words are like a hammer blow.
This is one of those poems that editing will ruin and should be left as it is, quite perfect.
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Threads: 139
Joined: Jun 2015
Hello again Tim,
Whatever (minor) changes you may make PLEASE DO NOT mess with that last stanza- those last three lines are truly stunning.
OK then, that's enough of blowing smoke up yer wazoo.
Mark
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Joined: Jan 2021
Hmmm. Two of my superheroes of critique put me truly between a rock and a hard place on this one. Thank you both for your reads and reactions.
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09-16-2022, 05:51 AM
(This post was last modified: 09-16-2022, 05:52 AM by Tiger the Lion.)
(09-16-2022, 05:47 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote: Hmmm. Two of my superheroes of critique put me truly between a rock and a hard place on this one. Thank you both for your reads and reactions.
I'm on the side that says leave it alone.
Posts: 695
Threads: 139
Joined: Jun 2015
Well Tim-
I ain't no superhero of critique, but I do know that the following lines de-personalize this very personal piece, and I do recommend cutting them. Everything else could remain, and I only suggest a slight formatting change. Treat this one like a fine piece of wood that only needs light sanding, and no varnish. I really am impressed with your handling of a very delicate subject.
via strangers
in the internet ether.
Sunrise, and I send this to you:
I'm back from the mountains
with a toothache. I moved
your iron man onto the patio.
He’s lost his arms
after too many storms
but still peers patiently
at your leftover father.
You will always be part of me
so I send you this news.
I pray there’s still a way
for you to receive it.
If not, that’s OK too,
for my words to you
are a loophole
even death cannot close.
Posts: 894
Threads: 176
Joined: Jan 2021
(09-16-2022, 06:21 AM)Mark A Becker Wrote: Well Tim-
I ain't no superhero of critique, but I do know that the following lines de-personalize this very personal piece, and I do recommend cutting them. Everything else could remain, and I only suggest a slight formatting change. Treat this one like a fine piece of wood that only needs light sanding, and no varnish. I really am impressed with your handling of a very delicate subject.
via strangers
in the internet ether.
Sunrise, and I send this to you:
I'm back from the mountains
with a toothache. I moved
your iron man onto the patio.
He’s lost his arms
after too many storms
but still peers patiently
at your leftover father.
You will always be part of me
so I send you this news.
I pray there’s still a way
for you to receive it.
If not, that’s OK too,
for my words to you
are a loophole
even death cannot close.
Thanks again Mark, sorry about the superheroes===got carried away. how about superjinjas?
I was hesitant about those lines.
Tim
Posts: 894
Threads: 176
Joined: Jan 2021
I've rewritten in my own way, increasingly didn't care for the internet part and "leftover father" began to grate on me. May have elaborated too much, but I looked at every word and it's more the way I would talk to him.
