Posts: 894
Threads: 176
Joined: Jan 2021
Nothing comes to mind
and overstays its welcome.
My therapist didn’t mention
that particular side-effect
when he led me into October
and asked, “What have you got to lose?”
Though we’ve cleared a dozen traumas
it seems one was left behind
and has now caught up
panting with delight
to see me again.
Out of breath
it gasps out its plaintive request:
“Promise me, you won’t mention the sex
you never had, that tiresome list
of unrequited loves, the furtive satisfactions
that you acquired when no one
was looking.”
I had no choice but to agree
since the trauma was nothing else but me.
Posts: 438
Threads: 374
Joined: Sep 2014
The therapist doesn't last throughout the acts.
Do you take over the role?
It's good that the therapist doesn't make another clear appearance.
Posts: 894
Threads: 176
Joined: Jan 2021
(10-14-2022, 09:14 AM)rowens Wrote: The therapist doesn't last throughout the acts.
Do you take over the role?
It's good that the therapist doesn't make another clear appearance.
OK, but is it a fun poem? It was meant to be funny. Or is it just another dreary confession?
Posts: 438
Threads: 374
Joined: Sep 2014
The tone of the poem, through the form it's in, is, what's the word, sober. The humor feels serious.
Posts: 400
Threads: 58
Joined: May 2022
(10-13-2022, 07:25 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote: Nothing comes to mind
and overstays its welcome.
My therapist didn’t mention
that particular side-effect
when he led me into October
and asked, “What have you got to lose?”
Though we’ve cleared a dozen traumas
it seems one was left behind
and has now caught up
panting with delight
to see me again.
Out of breath
it gasps out its plaintive request:
“Promise me, you won’t mention the sex
you never had, that tiresome list
of unrequited loves, the furtive satisfactions interesting description!
that you acquired when no one nice, sounds like you bought on eBay or amazon. May I suggest Tinder for a more updated experience?
was looking.”
I had no choice but to agree
since the trauma was nothing else but me.
Not dreary confession. I particularly liked S2, L5 with comments above.
Thanks for the read,
bryn
Posts: 4
Threads: 1
Joined: Oct 2022
VERY WELL PUT DESPERATION AND HOPE
Posts: 894
Threads: 176
Joined: Jan 2021
Thanks for the reads and comments Rowens and Bryn.
(10-15-2022, 10:18 AM)EAGLES 28 Wrote: VERY WELL PUT DESPERATION AND HOPE
Thanks for your comment.
Regarding critique: I know you've been told about the rules for posting in Basic, Moderate and/or Intensive.
Critiques don't have to be extensive. Just making note of suggestions for word changes, which lines you like, which lines don't make sense to you, stuff like that.
I don't particularly recommend it, but you can post poems in non critique places (like Miscellaneous) that don't have the same requirements. At least I think that's correct. If not, the Mods will correct me on that. However, you may not get any feedback.
The poem you posted in Basic is worthy of critique, so I hope you will hang around, and do a critique or two, so your poem can get the same attention.
TqB
Posts: 695
Threads: 139
Joined: Jun 2015
Hello Tim-
The first stanza is worth the price of admission
Nothing comes to mind
and overstays its welcome.
My therapist didn’t mention
that particular side-effect
when he led me into October
and asked, “What have you got to lose?” great opening!
Though we’ve cleared a dozen traumas I'm afraid that things start to soften here, for me. I'd suggest combining this stanza with the next, and losing some baggage along the way.
it seems one was left behind
and has now caught up
panting with delight
to see me again.
Out of breath
it gasps out its plaintive request:
“Promise me, you won’t mention the sex
you never had, that tiresome list
of unrequited loves, the furtive satisfactions
that you acquired when no one
was looking.”
I had no choice but to agree
since the trauma was nothing else but me. Sorry Tim, but this ending falls flat. I think something stronger about how you talk to yourself would work better.
All in all, I much like the idea.
Mark
Posts: 894
Threads: 176
Joined: Jan 2021
(10-22-2022, 07:56 PM)Mark A Becker Wrote: Hello Tim-
The first stanza is worth the price of admission
Nothing comes to mind
and overstays its welcome.
My therapist didn’t mention
that particular side-effect
when he led me into October
and asked, “What have you got to lose?” great opening!
Though we’ve cleared a dozen traumas I'm afraid that things start to soften here, for me. I'd suggest combining this stanza with the next, and losing some baggage along the way.
it seems one was left behind
and has now caught up
panting with delight
to see me again.
Out of breath
it gasps out its plaintive request:
“Promise me, you won’t mention the sex
you never had, that tiresome list
of unrequited loves, the furtive satisfactions
that you acquired when no one
was looking.”
I had no choice but to agree
since the trauma was nothing else but me. Sorry Tim, but this ending falls flat. I think something stronger about how you talk to yourself would work better.
All in all, I much like the idea.
Mark
Thanks for the read and suggestions. Not sure I want to work any more on it, as it was done in a moment of chagrin. And I've grown to hate the title. But perhaps I'll come back to it. "The Therapee's Tale" a al Chaucer......
