The invisible currency (edit)

[Semicircle]

Loopholes woven
weak points chosen-
a process gradually perfected.

Taught cryptic fiber
attracts the interdimensional spider-
vibrations quickly detected.

A venture more costly
than the replacement of money
that you no longer have
and keep on giving.





(prev)

Loopholes weaved
around the process of greed
gradually perfected.

A web work so subtle
any rebuttal
was dissected.

Never a venture more costly
than the prevention of money
and it seems now
you've become greedy.

[CRNDLSM]

Loopholes were weaved 'were' is kinda weak
as the process of greed so is 'as'
became perfected. 

A web work so subtle
that any rebuttal really liked this rhyme 
would be reflected. And this one, but I don't understand reflecting rebuttals in a web

Never a venture more costly
than the prevention of money this sounds like a second guess, preventing generation of money? creation of money? Spenditure? 
and it seems now third guessing
you've become greedy. Slant rhyme 

Invisible currency, these are all clues, I'm thinking cryptocurrency because we can't see it, but secrets are also a currency, and the fact that I don't have a definitive answer here is like it's invisible, because I could be way off base too.

[Semicircle]

Thanks for the critique CRNDLSM.
I have good ideas, but it is often difficult to connect them fluently.

Your interpretation was intended. I'm glad it came across.

Greed is the invisible currency.
The system of greed considers people who don't except it to be selfish.

cheers
SC

[Mark A Becker]

Hey slicer-

The difficulty of 'timing' the rise and fall of crypto seems to be driving this piece. 

Loopholes weaved good start
around the process of greed  greed is an 'intense and selfish desire for something', and not really a process
gradually perfected.

A web work so subtle  maybe 'a dark web'
any rebuttal  not the right word choice
was dissected. going for the rhyme is throwing you (and me) off

Never a venture more costly
than the prevention of money perhaps 'replacement' vs 'prevention'
and it seems now
you've become greedy. This ending needs work- a way to express that feeling of 'easy come - easy go'.

Cool idea slicer. I'd suggest a bit of crypto research to help flesh this one out.
Mark

[TranquillityBase]

Karl Marx has some wonderful lines about the money fetish.  Unfortunately you have to read through a lot of extremely boring stuff to find them.  I went looking, so i could quote them to you, but gave up.

If he were alive today, he'd have some memorable lines about crypto fetish.  I don't understand much about it, except that it's the fetish to end all fetishes, in the money universe.

Maybe use "the fetish of greed"

Maybe get the word "crypto", or a play on that word, somewhere in the poem.

"A webwork so cryptic"

"Mining" is another word/idea to use.  Whatever that means in crypto world.

[dukealien]

Loopholes weaved
around the process of greed
gradually perfected.

A web work so subtle
any rebuttal
was dissected.

Never a venture more costly
than the prevention of money
and it seems now
you've become greedy.

(Without looking at the other critiques up to now.)

First off, the subtle-rebuttal rhyme is delightful   .

A suggestion - perhaps the last line could be "you've gone greedy," or that might be too informal.  But it would be another short stanza-closing line.  On the other hand, the last line of S2 might be fattened up a bit.  Thinking "desiccated, dissected" or the like to amplify the spider (web) image of the stanza.

And now, at most basic, still, that first line.  To me, the past tense of "weave" is "wove" (in this case, "woven") - the other word "weave" that has a past tense of "weaved" involves zigzagging in motion - "he weaved back and forth, throwing off their aim" - where "wove" is obviously wrong.   Maybe it's transitive/intransitive.  But it's unfortunate, because you need "weaved" to rhyme L2.  I see no easy solution to the problem.

(Now to look above and see if anyone's found one!)

[Semicircle]

Hey slicer-

The difficulty of 'timing' the rise and fall of crypto seems to be driving this piece. 

Loopholes weaved good start
around the process of greed  greed is an 'intense and selfish desire for something', and not really a process
gradually perfected.

A web work so subtle  maybe 'a dark web'
any rebuttal  not the right word choice
was dissected. going for the rhyme is throwing you (and me) off

Never a venture more costly
than the prevention of money perhaps 'replacement' vs 'prevention'
and it seems now
you've become greedy. This ending needs work- a way to express that feeling of 'easy come - easy go'.

Cool idea slicer. I'd suggest a bit of crypto research to help flesh this one out.
Mark

I went for the rhyme, couldn't help myself. Might have to revisit later.

What I learned:
Crypto is the most unreliable of all currencies, either innefficient and unreliable, a pyramid scheme, subsceptible to hackers, or a combination of.
Hackers should not be able to exploit cryptocurrencies but with anything this intricate there is bound to be flaws.
One of such examples: 570 million dollars worth.

This is despite the fact that Crypto lacks any tangible value. Not useful anywhere else but small internet faccets. 
That being wifi is payed for with actual money, so without actual money, the notion of crypto is a no go.

To be able to axcess any of these internet faccets would require you to learn crypto, which is the most unreasonable part
because it is so incredibly complicated. 


Thanks for the critique
SC

---

Karl Marx has some wonderful lines about the money fetish.  Unfortunately you have to read through a lot of extremely boring stuff to find them.  I went looking, so i could quote them to you, but gave up.

If he were alive today, he'd have some memorable lines about crypto fetish.  I don't understand much about it, except that it's the fetish to end all fetishes, in the money universe.

Maybe use "the fetish of greed"

Maybe get the word "crypto", or a play on that word, somewhere in the poem.

"A webwork so cryptic"

"Mining" is another word/idea to use.  Whatever that means in crypto world.

I was introduced to Marx by communists who combined his views with Vladimir Lennon's, stating that capitalist states need to be converted socialist by means of worker revolution.

That is probably very reductive of Marxist Lennist view. I only know him through commies.
Communism seems taboo, must know something we don't.

Like the toppic of cryptocurreny, politics are very devisive.
Don't believe anything.


"A webwork so cryptic" --appreciate this

---

Loopholes weaved
around the process of greed
gradually perfected.

A web work so subtle
any rebuttal
was dissected.

Never a venture more costly
than the prevention of money
and it seems now
you've become greedy.

(Without looking at the other critiques up to now.)

First off, the subtle-rebuttal rhyme is delightful   .

A suggestion - perhaps the last line could be "you've gone greedy," or that might be too informal.  But it would be another short stanza-closing line.  On the other hand, the last line of S2 might be fattened up a bit.  Thinking "desiccated, dissected" or the like to amplify the spider (web) image of the stanza.

And now, at most basic, still, that first line.  To me, the past tense of "weave" is "wove" (in this case, "woven") - the other word "weave" that has a past tense of "weaved" involves zigzagging in motion - "he weaved back and forth, throwing off their aim" - where "wove" is obviously wrong.   Maybe it's transitive/intransitive.  But it's unfortunate, because you need "weaved" to rhyme L2.  I see no easy solution to the problem.

(Now to look above and see if anyone's found one!)

Had to kill the subtle rebuttal. I'll keep them in my backpocket.

Not a big fix with woven, chosen came right to mind.
Sometimes I search the internet for rhymes.

Is that a good habit?

---

good bits from you all

thanks

[Mark A Becker]

Sometimes I search the internet for rhymes.
Is that a good habit?

Absolutely slicer.  Any resource that helps expand your ability is a good thing.  While you're looking up rhymes, look up definitions.  Especially definitions, because the definition of words can help clarify your intent when you use them.  Synonyms are particularly helpful, as well. Playing music helps instill a sense of rthymn.

Any tools that help craft images and create sounds is useful.

Mark

ps.  Legend has it that Malcolm X read the dictionary A-to-Z while in prision, and he was quite an articulate individual.

[brynmawr1]

Loopholes woven
weak points chosen-
a process gradually perfected.

Taught cryptic fiber
attracts the interdimensional spider-
vibrations quickly detected.

A venture more costly
than the replacement of money
that you no longer have
and keep on giving.





(prev)

Loopholes we weave
around the process of greed
gradually perfected.     nearly 

A web work so subtle
any rebuttal
was dissected.            easily deflected

Never a venture more costly     fruitful 
than the prevention of money       destruction
and it seems now            as
you've become greed.       currency is

Didn't like the edits. I liked the original first two stanzas as written but had to make adjustments for proper english.  Annoying.  I struggled the most with S3 as it didn't flow as well as the previous two.  So I thought it might work to reverse the narrative though S3 still isn't quite there.  Would love to see S3 follow the rhyme scheme.
Take care,
Bryn