December Evening (new title)

[TranquillityBase]

Dusk breeze, leaves raining
while remnants flutter and tilt
shadows of black wings.

Dusk breeze, leaves fall down

a remnant flutter and tilt

shadows with black wings.

[busker]

I think it might be better with “dusk breeze” as the title that doubles up as the first line, indirectly, and the poem formally starting at “leaves”

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Also “a remnant” sounds verbose. “Some”? “Or”? “A few”?

[TranquillityBase]

I think it might be better with “dusk breeze” as the title that doubles up as the first line, indirectly,  and the poem formally starting at “leaves”

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Also “a remnant” sounds verbose. “Some”? “Or”? “A few”?

Yes, I agree on the title.

On the second line, I was referring to those still attached to the almost bare limbs.  Hard to fit that into 7 syllables.  Perhaps I need to abandon the form.

Dusk breeze, leaves rain down
a stubborn few still attached flutter and tilt
shadows with black wings.

[brynmawr1]

I think it might be better with “dusk breeze” as the title that doubles up as the first line, indirectly,  and the poem formally starting at “leaves”

---

Also “a remnant” sounds verbose. “Some”? “Or”? “A few”?

Yes, I agree on the title.

On the second line, I was referring to those still attached to the almost bare limbs.  Hard to fit that into 7 syllables.  Perhaps I need to abandon the form.

Dusk breeze, leaves rain down
a stubborn few still attached flutter and tilt
shadows with black wings.

Hi TqB,
I like the original better than your rewrite above.
how about for L2  "while/as remnants flutter and tilt".  I also thought changing 'with' to 'of' in L3 might be intriguing.  While I'm at it, how about '..., leaves raining' in L2.  The down part is sort of implied.
Happy Tuesday!
Bryn

[TranquillityBase]

Hi TqB,

I like the original better than your rewrite above.

how about for L2  "while/as remnants flutter and tilt".  I also thought changing 'with' to 'of' in L3 might be intriguing.  While I'm at it, how about '..., leaves raining' in L2.  The down part is sort of implied.

Happy Tuesday!

Bryn

Like this?  Got a little lost in your changes.

Dusk breeze, leaves raining
while remnants flutter and tilt
shadows of black wings.

I was going to change title to December Evening.

[brynmawr1]

Hi TqB,

I like the original better than your rewrite above.

how about for L2  "while/as remnants flutter and tilt".  I also thought changing 'with' to 'of' in L3 might be intriguing.  While I'm at it, how about '..., leaves raining' in L2.  The down part is sort of implied.

Happy Tuesday!

Bryn

Like this?  Got a little lost in your changes.

Dusk breeze, leaves raining
while remnants flutter and tilt
shadows of black wings.

I was going to change title to December Evening.

yes, exactly.  Sorry about the lack of organization.  Only had one suggestion when I started but then had more, I guess.
like the new title.

[TranquillityBase]

secunda edito