April Takes a Walk

[brynmawr1]

An old man walks with a shuffle,
his feet stirring the red-gold rustle
 
of dried leaves.  A low winter sun
casts a shadow, broad and long,
 
almost tickling his grand-daughter
up ahead.  She occasionally looks
 
back to see if he is still there,
but mostly she walks along, unaware 
 
of his smile.  Poking around with a stick
she finds a crocus newly broken through
 
the moist ground.  A purple tongue
getting its first taste of spring.

An old man walks with a shuffle,
his feet stirring the red-gold rustle
 
of his path’s tread.  An autumn sun
casts its shadow, broad and long,
 
just tickling his grand-daughter
up ahead.  She occasionally looks back
 
to see what he might have to offer,
but mostly she walks a long, unaware 
 
of his smile.  Poking around with a stick
she finds a crocus newly broke through
 
the moist earth.  A purple tongue
just getting its first taste of spring.

[Mark A Becker]

Hi Steve-
I almost missed this one, and I'm glad I found it.  I love simple story/poems like this and think it only requires minor adjustments:

An old man walks with a shuffle,
his feet stirring the red-gold rustle

of his path’s tread.  An autumn sun  maybe 'of leaves on the path'. 'path's tread' just sounds needlessly poemy. Also- should be 'A winter sun' because of how this piece ends
casts its shadow, broad and long,

just tickling his grand-daughter
up ahead.  She occasionally looks back  maybe break the line after 'looks' so 'back,' appears on the next line.

to see what he might have to offer,  why not go for the rhyme 'to see if he's still there'  ?? That's what kids are usually doing when they look back.
but mostly she walks a long, unaware  'she' interrupts the rhythm. 'along'

of his smile.  Poking around with a stick
she finds a crocus newly broke through 'broken' me thinks

the moist earth.  A purple tongue
just getting its first taste of spring.  beautiful ending, Steve


Like I said, I really do love short story/poems, and this one does not disappoint! Simple and lovely.  I also love the title- at first I thought it would be about the month, but then understood it to be about a girl named April.  Or maybe it could be both!
Mark

[brynmawr1]

Hi Steve-
I almost missed this one, and I'm glad I found it.  I love simple story/poems like this and think it only requires minor adjustments:

An old man walks with a shuffle,
his feet stirring the red-gold rustle

of his path’s tread.  An autumn sun  maybe 'of leaves on the path'. 'path's tread' just sounds needlessly poemy. Also- should be 'A winter sun' because of how this piece ends
casts its shadow, broad and long,           yes it is a little clunky. I liked the resonance with 'up ahead' below but not sure it's worth it.

just tickling his grand-daughter
up ahead.  She occasionally looks back

to see what he might have to offer,  why not go for the rhyme 'to see if he's still there'  ?? That's what kids are usually doing when they look back.   see below
but mostly she walks a long, unaware  'along' argh, yes

of his smile.  Poking around with a stick
she finds a crocus newly broke through 'broken' me thinks        thanks, yes

the moist earth.  A purple tongue
just getting its first taste of spring.  beautiful ending, Steve


Like I said, I really do love short story/poems, and this one does not disappoint! Simple and lovely.  I also love the title- at first I thought it would be about the month, but then understood it to be about a girl named April.  Or maybe it could be both!
Mark

Hi Mark,
I am glad  you liked it.  Funny story, I originally wrote most of it last fall when Tiger did the 'let's pretend it's April' prompt.  I misunderstood what he meant thinking it meant write a poem about Aprilly things.  it sat all winter until I dug it up.  I am trying to make the whole poem a metaphor about the relationship between the past and future/present but there aren't really any clues in the poem except the one line about 'what he might have to offer' so while it seems clear to me it's not likely anyone else would really go there.  Any thoughts on how I could prompt the reader?
Thanks again,
steve

[Mark A Becker]

Hello again, Steve,
Going for ‘a big idea’ would very likely ruin this lovely little poem.  I do not want to be prompted toward a grand metaphor. I very much appreciate this poem for its simplicity. Please don’t mess it up. It’s like a series of still paintings that I can picture.  I felt like I was along on the walk, and that is all this poem needs to do for me.
The line about what he has to offer should just be replaced with a line that fits better.
Write another one to fulfill that metaphorical urge, but don’t obscure this one with metaphorical paint.
That said, it is your poem…

[brynmawr1]

Hello again, Steve,
Going for ‘a big idea’ would very likely ruin this lovely little poem.  I do not want to be prompted toward a grand metaphor. I very much appreciate this poem for its simplicity. Please don’t mess it up. It’s like a series of still paintings that I can picture.  I felt like I was along on the walk, and that is all this poem needs to do for me.
The line about what he has to offer should just be replaced with a line that fits better.
Write another one to fulfill that metaphorical urge, but don’t obscure this one with metaphorical paint.
That said, it is your poem…

Hello again Mark,
Well I wasn't thinking of making big changes.  Little tweaks of language that make the reader stop and think that maybe there is a little more here.  But that will require some thought and time.  Someone once told me they like to put their work away trusting that future them will be a better poet than present them.  I enjoy revisiting old poems from time to time to see what else I might get from them.  In the meantime, I have adopted your suggestions. Thanks.
steve

[Mark A Becker]

Way to go Steve!

I love this little poem.

I too circle back to many of my old poems, usually to make only minor changes.

I did that most recently with one I reposted in MISC, called The Whore’s Prayer

ps.  Now that I'm retired I don't have a job to interfere with my work.  Too bad I couldn't pay the mortagage with this kind of work, or I'd have done it full time. What the hay, at least I loved what I used to do for the dollars.  Tuning up for NaPoMo, and hope to be able to save two or three outta those thirty. That's if I can even make it through that gauntlet.

From another discussion, this is a really good example of how telling and showing work together.

[O. M. Geezersnaps]

This piece is quite lovely. Seasons of nature/seasons of human life are a timeless pair, never falling out of fashion. 

It has a slightly conversational feel with words that aren't strictly necessary like "occasionally" and "mostly," and those could be trimmed. Perhaps take a close look at each word and make sure that you're choosing the most dynamic and punchy word possible and leaving minimal filler in between. 

The fact that she doesn't see his smile is poignant; she sees only the new and the possible while he sees it all. She will see it all in time.

Really nice piece.

[brynmawr1]

This piece is quite lovely. Seasons of nature/seasons of human life are a timeless pair, never falling out of fashion. 

It has a slightly conversational feel with words that aren't strictly necessary like "occasionally" and "mostly," and those could be trimmed. Perhaps take a close look at each word and make sure that you're choosing the most dynamic and punchy word possible and leaving minimal filler in between. 

The fact that she doesn't see his smile is poignant; she sees only the new and the possible while he sees it all. She will see it all in time.

Really nice piece.

Good suggestions, thanks.  Thanks for reading and commenting.
bryn

[Knot]

Hi bryn.
Nice vignette.

Given you've grand-daughter later you could trim the opening couplet (And isn't 'walks with a shuffle' simply shuffling?)

Late afternoon his shuffling
feet stir the red-gold rustle

But how are the leaves still rustling when it's almost spring, how are they still dry?

Maybe
up ahead. Occasionally she looks ?


Best, Knot


.

[brynmawr1]

Hi bryn.
Nice vignette.

Given you've grand-daughter later you could trim the opening couplet (And isn't 'walks with a shuffle' simply shuffling?)

Late afternoon his shuffling
feet stir the red-gold rustle

But how are the leaves still rustling when it's almost spring, how are they still dry?

Maybe
up ahead. Occasionally she looks ?


Best, Knot


.

Thanks Knot.  You make some good points.  This one had pretty much been put to bed and got resurrected.  Not sure how much tinkering I might do.
Steve