The Seraph With Blackened Wings

[ISawASpaceship]

A black,
intricate design
is woven delicately
by the hand of Temptation
into the seraph's wings.


He is an archangel gracing my bed
but when I gaze upon the face
of the man,
I find that reality,
no longer
and that there is no dark seraph at all,
in my presence, at all
and so I,
with weary heart,
roll over onto my side
and close both heavy,
ever-dimming eyes
and I fall into the depths
of a planted fantasy,
as one falls into the depths of hell
and I feel the deepest feelings
as one would feel in hell
but on the opposite end of the spectrum.
I feel ecstasy
until I am stirred from my slumber,
where I groan
because he is elsewhere.


Oh, angel that flew from my presence,
the crux of my existence,
the bringer of light,
I kneel on my bed
in my very sleep
and I beg for your red,
silken eyes
to rise
to mine
in a place that is not a planted fantasy,
in a place that is not a planted fantasy,
because you have fled into the hills
and have taken my home,
my Rome,
with you
but I am not there.
I am here.


I am not.

[TranquillityBase]

A black but intricate design
is woven into the seraph's wings.


He is an archangel gracing my bed
but when I gaze upon the face           his
of the man
I find that reality no longer
and that there is no dark seraph
at all in my presence
and so I,
with weary heart
roll over onto my side
and close both heavy,
ever dimming eyes
and I fall into the depths
of a planted fantasy,                           not sure what a planted fantasy is?
as one falls into the depths of hell     
and I feel the deepest feelings
as one would feel in hell
but on the opposite end of the spectrum,
ecstasy,
until I am stirred from my slumber
where I groan
because the dark seraph is elsewhere.


Oh, angel that has graced my presence,
the crux of my existence,
the bringer of light
with your wings as black as night,
I sit on my knees
in my very sleep
and I beg for your red but silken eyes
to rise
to mine
in a place that is not a planted fantasy,
in a place that is not a planted fantasy,
but instead, reality
because you have fled into the hills
and have brought my home,
my Rome,
with you
but I am not there.
I am here.


I am not.            I don't get how this last line relates

I like it, maybe the best one I've read in terms of getting right to the point.  I hope you aren't really going to quit in a month.  You will learn a lot if you hang around long enough.  Not from me, but from folks like Knot et al.  What's the hurry, you got a train to catch? 

[alonso ramoran]

A black but intricate design how does an intricate design contrast enough with black to permit the use of "but"? Why not just "and"? Also is the design black or the seraph's wings? And what is this design intricate like? Is there anything you could compare it to to ground the image?
is woven into the seraph's wings.


He is an archangel gracing my bed
but when I gaze upon the face rewrite as "his face" then you could probably cut the next line
of the man
I find that reality no longer "I no longer find reality" to be more concise
and that there is no dark seraph
at all in my presence you could omit "at all"
and so I,
with weary heart "heart" seems like filler, you could just write weary or draw a comparison to something else to convey that weariness. Probably best to do the latter imo
roll over onto my side
and close both heavy,
ever dimming eyes ever-dimming
and I fall into the depths
of a planted fantasy,
as one falls into the depths of hell
and I feel the deepest feelings
as one would feel in hell why would someone feel the deepest feelings in hell?
but on the opposite end of the spectrum,
ecstasy,
until I am stirred from my slumber I don't think "from my slumber" is needed. "I am stirred" pretty much already implies the N was sleeping esp within the context of a poem set in bed
where I groan
because the dark seraph is elsewhere.


Oh, angel that has graced my presence,
the crux of my existence,
the bringer of light
with your wings as black as night, "black as night" seems uninspired and is pretty much a cliche. If you have to compare the blackness of the wings to night, maybe writing it as a metaphor would work better than a simile. Also, what type of night sky? Starry? Clear?
I sit on my knees
in my very sleep
and I beg for your red but silken eyes silken is interesting
to rise
to mine
in a place that is not a planted fantasy,
in a place that is not a planted fantasy,the repetition here is interesting but I don't understand it's purpose nor does it feel needed
but instead, reality
because you have fled into the hills
and have brought my home,
my Rome, Unsure why Rome is mentioned, might be missing context
with you
but I am not there.
I am here.


I am not. Ending is unclear for me

Thank you for sharing,

Alex

[ISawASpaceship]

A black but intricate design
is woven into the seraph's wings.


He is an archangel gracing my bed
but when I gaze upon the face           his
of the man
I find that reality no longer
and that there is no dark seraph
at all in my presence
and so I,
with weary heart
roll over onto my side
and close both heavy,
ever dimming eyes
and I fall into the depths
of a planted fantasy,                           not sure what a planted fantasy is?
as one falls into the depths of hell     
and I feel the deepest feelings
as one would feel in hell
but on the opposite end of the spectrum,
ecstasy,
until I am stirred from my slumber
where I groan
because the dark seraph is elsewhere.


Oh, angel that has graced my presence,
the crux of my existence,
the bringer of light
with your wings as black as night,
I sit on my knees
in my very sleep
and I beg for your red but silken eyes
to rise
to mine
in a place that is not a planted fantasy,
in a place that is not a planted fantasy,
but instead, reality
because you have fled into the hills
and have brought my home,
my Rome,
with you
but I am not there.
I am here.


I am not.            I don't get how this last line relates

I like it, maybe the best one I've read in terms of getting right to the point.  I hope you aren't really going to quit in a month.  You will learn a lot if you hang around long enough.  Not from me, but from folks like Knot et al.  What's the hurry, you got a train to catch? 

I'm not actually going to quit (I can't anyways or I feel as if I can't because of thunder). I've just been rather stressed out lately and I had a moment. I'll stick around some more though, cause I actually enjoy this, for the most part and I think most of the people here are pretty chill and don't ruffle my feathers. 

As for a planted fantasy, it's referring to a dream, a fantasy world that is essentially planted by God. (Much like the translations in the bible that call dreams visions of the night). Also, the "I am not" is referring to the previous words. Basically, the idea is that even though, I am physically here, my soul is elsewhere. "I'm here but I'm not." was essentially, what I was going for. I put it farther down to emphasize that specific feeling, almost as if to quarantine it, and then the italics were to really hit it home, make it feel as if that feeling were the only feeling that I was feeling. For now, I will edit some lines and cut some things out and get back to it in the morn. 

Thank you for trying to talk me into staying, though. I appreciate the fact that people have made me feel more welcomed by doing so. I'm rather reclusive in nature so, I often feel out of my element in group settings.

[Knot]

.
Hi ISaw,
I'm not religious, so if I've misunderstood, just ignore me.

Seraph leads to burning leads to lust (mistaken for love, perhaps)? To me this seems like a search for true love (temporal or spiritual).

I think the poem is a little muddled. I liked the opening verse, but then kept waiting for the blackened wings to beat, but they don't. Having to italicise that to ensure the emphasis is a bit of a weakness I think. And that last line, 'quarantined' as you have it from the rest, makes your intention much harder to discern.

Just a thought ... or two.

"those who kindle or make hot" (quote from wiki/seraphs)

The Seraph with Blackened Wings .......... not keen on this title as the Seraph isn't the subject of the piece.


A black, intricate design
is woven into the seraph's wings.
an archangel graces my bed

but when I gaze upon his face
I find a man, with weary heart,

I roll over onto my side and fall,
as one falls, into the depths of hell ........ this feels a little overwrought (but may just be me)

and I feel the deepest feelings
as one would feel in hell ...................... don't really follow this couplet, why would one feel more in Hell? And 'deepest' after 'depths' is poor.

Given that this (below) sounds like the start of a prayer, do you need 'I sit on my knees' (whatever that means, sounds like a contortionist's posture, but I think you just mean kneel)
Oh, angel that has graced my presence, .......... any alternative to avoid repeating 'grace'?
the crux of my existence, bringer of light,
I beg for your red, silken eyes to rise .......... 'silken'?
to mine

in a place that is not a planted fantasy,
in a place that is not a planted fantasy, ....... like the pleading quality of this. Works well after 'beg'. I read your explanation for these lines, is there a more universally understood term than 'planted fantasy'? It sounds very contemporary and made me think of 'false memories' (not, I think, what you were intending?)
but instead, reality .................................... I don't think this is necessary give that you've repeated 'not' (and presuming that the opposite of (a divine) planted fantasy would be reality)

because you have fled into the hills ..........are the 'hills' just here because of Rome? If so cut the line. Or is this something to do with Matthew 24:15-25? (Which I don't understand, but that's just me.)
and have brought my home, ..................... confused by 'brought', it suggests that you are also in 'the hills' (whatever or wherever they are).
my Rome, ................................................ all your sins? Lust etc? If so I like it. (If not, I still like it). Is it an alternative to Babylon?
with you
but I am not there. .................................I'm not sure where 'there' is.
I am here. .............................................. think you can cut this, and remove the empty space before the final line.
I am not.


Best, Knot


.

[ISawASpaceship]

.
Hi ISaw,
I'm not religious, so if I've misunderstood, just ignore me.

Seraph leads to burning leads to lust (mistaken for love, perhaps)? To me this seems like a search for true love (temporal or spiritual).

I think the poem is a little muddled. I liked the opening verse, but then kept waiting for the blackened wings to beat, but they don't. Having to italicise that to ensure the emphasis is a bit of a weakness I think. And that last line, 'quarantined' as you have it from the rest, makes your intention much harder to discern.

Just a thought ... or two.

"those who kindle or make hot" (quote from wiki/seraphs)

The Seraph with Blackened Wings .......... not keen on this title as the Seraph isn't the subject of the piece.


A black, intricate design
is woven into the seraph's wings.
an archangel graces my bed

but when I gaze upon his face
I find a man, with weary heart,

I roll over onto my side and fall,
as one falls, into the depths of hell ........ this feels a little overwrought (but may just be me)

and I feel the deepest feelings
as one would feel in hell ...................... don't really follow this couplet, why would one feel more in Hell? And 'deepest' after 'depths' is poor.

Given that this (below) sounds like the start of a prayer, do you need 'I sit on my knees' (whatever that means, sounds like a contortionist's posture, but I think you just mean kneel)
Oh, angel that has graced my presence, .......... any alternative to avoid repeating 'grace'?
the crux of my existence, bringer of light,
I beg for your red, silken eyes to rise .......... 'silken'?
to mine

in a place that is not a planted fantasy,
in a place that is not a planted fantasy, ....... like the pleading quality of this. Works well after 'beg'. I read your explanation for these lines, is there a more universally understood term than 'planted fantasy'? It sounds very contemporary and made me think of 'false memories' (not, I think, what you were intending?)
but instead, reality .................................... I don't think this is necessary give that you've repeated 'not' (and presuming that the opposite of (a divine) planted fantasy would be reality)

because you have fled into the hills ..........are the 'hills' just here because of Rome? If so cut the line. Or is this something to do with Matthew 24:15-25? (Which I don't understand, but that's just me.)
and have brought my home, ..................... confused by 'brought', it suggests that you are also in 'the hills' (whatever or wherever they are).
my Rome, ................................................ all your sins? Lust etc? If so I like it. (If not, I still like it). Is it an alternative to Babylon?
with you
but I am not there. .................................I'm not sure where 'there' is.
I am here. .............................................. think you can cut this, and remove the empty space before the final line.
I am not.


Best, Knot


.

I'll shed a little light on the context of the poem and then perhaps, it will clear up some questions. So for the sake of not bringing the drama llama about, I will not give out the name of the person who this poem is about, even though, it is merely the name that I know him by and not his real name. Let's just call him Westley, instead. 

To start out with, you were correct in assuming that this poem is about lust, but not just about the sexual aspect of things, rather the longing of being close to Westley. 

Notice that the Seraph in the poem is not pure white, but instead he has a black, intricate design, woven into his wings. He is Westley. To give some more understanding, the nature of the poem is speaking of a person who I had an affair with, this year. We met, shared things in common, and on top of everything bras were ending up in the family vehicle that were not mine. Even though my husband swore he hadn't cheated, I was convinced that he had. None of that would have been of much consequence to me, however, the already dying marriage and the lack of emotional support, caused me to turn to Westley, who was able to understand me and who I was, in the deepest of ways. The intricate design was woven into his wings which symbolizes that this was not who he was beforehand. It was woven in. (The darkness or corruption, if you will) 

Moving on, the lines "When I gaze upon the face of the man" speaks of an image that I have of him in my mind. It speaks of laying in my bed and picturing the image of him but finding that, that is not reality any longer, rather, it is just a memory and he is gone. So, I, being weary from my longing and the emotions that come with missing him, roll over onto my side and close my eyes, and fall asleep, purposefully so that I can dream about him. 

The mention of hell is there because in my waking life that is what it feels like, having to be torn away from him, so the mirror is there, where in real life I'm feeling like I'm in hell and those feelings are strong, but in my dreams when I see him I feel ecstasy.

Sitting on my knees is referring to kneeling, almost in a posture of humility, and signifying that I feel as if I am begging him to come back so often, that even in my sleep, I'm doing that very thing. 

When I say that his eyes are silken, I am saying that they are soft in nature. Tender, almost. There's an affection and a gentleness there. 

And the last few lines are about him leaving (fleeing into the hills) and he felt like my home so he carried that away with him. In a poem I have not posted, I liken him to Rome, because in that poem I write that he is my muse and is the beauty that sits high atop the hill, shining down upon me and then I ask what I have done to ever gain his eyes looking at me. Rome is essentially likened to a beautiful, remote land that is something I could never attain but somehow I did. And once again, now that he's gone, he has taken that with him. Hence, why I say "and now you have brought my home, my Rome, with you but I am not there. I am here." So I'm not where he is and my home, my Rome, lies with him. He is there and I am here. The last line "I am not." Is essentially saying even though I am physically here, in this place, I am not here, emotionally, spiritually. I'm not the person that I was. I'm a ghost of myself. 

I'll try to tidy up the rest of the poem, change the word grace, cut the "but instead, reality." and see what else I can do. Thank you for mentioning those things, by the way.

[Knot]

.
Hi ISaw,
thanks for the 'little' light.

To start out with, you were correct in assuming that this poem is about lust, but not just about the sexual aspect of things, rather the longing of being close
Hey, I'm quite impressed I got the lust part, but I can see what your saying.

The intricate design was woven into his wings which symbolizes that this was not who he was beforehand. It was woven in. (The darkness or corruption, if you will)
In which case, might I suggest something that makes that a little clearer,

A black design,

intricate, seductive

is woven into the seraph's wings.

the lines "When I gaze upon the face of the man" speaks of an image that I have of him in my mind. It speaks of laying in my bed and picturing the image of him but finding that, that is not reality any longer, rather, it is just a memory and he is gone.
Yes, got that. (Though I thought he was actually there when you realised this).

So, I, being weary from my longing and the emotions that come with missing him, roll over onto my side and close my eyes, and fall asleep, purposefully so that I can dream about him.
The 'so that I can dream about him' part was not clear, to me, anyway. I think it's perhaps the unfamiliar phrase 'planted fantasy' that hinders here. Given how important that is to the piece, is there any way to make clear what you mean by it?

The mention of hell is there because in my waking life that is what it feels like, having to be torn away from him, so the mirror is there, where in real life I'm feeling like I'm in hell and those feelings are strong, but in my dreams when I see him I feel ecstasy.
Got you, but I still find 'as one would in hell' problematic. Where's the answer to the 'why' of that?

Sitting on my knees is referring to kneeling, almost in a posture of humility, and signifying that I feel as if I am begging him to come back so often, that even in my sleep, I'm doing that very thing.
Like I say, it was the phrasing that gave me pause, but perhaps this is one of those things that makes sense to an American (as I assume you are) that doesn't to a Brit. I'd still go with kneeling though, why complicate where you don't have to?

When I say that his eyes are silken, I am saying that they are soft in nature. Tender, almost. There's an affection and a gentleness there. Interesting (and fair enough) though 'red eyes' tends to suggest malevolence rather that affection/gentleness (or, alternatively, weeping).

And the last few lines are about him leaving (fleeing into the hills) and he felt like my home so he carried that away with him. In a poem I have not posted, I liken him to Rome, because in that poem I write that he is my muse and is the beauty that sits high atop the hill, shining down upon me and then I ask what I have done to ever gain his eyes looking at me. Rome is essentially likened to a beautiful, remote land that is something I could never attain but somehow I did. A ha. I wondered about that, but Seraph had me searching for religious explanations (and considering the dim view that Protestants take of Rome and all things Roman).
Also, in my defence, difficult to know what has already been established in a previous poem (is it somewhere in the Pen, by the way?)

And once again, now that he's gone, he has taken that with him. Hence, why I say "and now you have brought my home, my Rome, with you but I am not there. I am here." Maybe another US/UK divide here, but, as I said, I had difficulties with 'brought'. Perhaps

because you have fled into the hills

and have carried off my Rome,

my home,

with you

but I am not there. ....... still don't think you need this, it's strongly implied by the last line.

I am here.

Thank you for mentioning those things, by the way. No problem.  Good luck with the revision.


Best, Knot


.

[ISawASpaceship]

.
Hi ISaw,
thanks for the 'little' light.

To start out with, you were correct in assuming that this poem is about lust, but not just about the sexual aspect of things, rather the longing of being close
Hey, I'm quite impressed I got the lust part, but I can see what your saying.

The intricate design was woven into his wings which symbolizes that this was not who he was beforehand. It was woven in. (The darkness or corruption, if you will)
In which case, might I suggest something that makes that a little clearer,

A black design,

intricate, seductive

is woven into the seraph's wings.

the lines "When I gaze upon the face of the man" speaks of an image that I have of him in my mind. It speaks of laying in my bed and picturing the image of him but finding that, that is not reality any longer, rather, it is just a memory and he is gone.
Yes, got that. (Though I thought he was actually there when you realised this).

So, I, being weary from my longing and the emotions that come with missing him, roll over onto my side and close my eyes, and fall asleep, purposefully so that I can dream about him.
The 'so that I can dream about him' part was not clear, to me, anyway. I think it's perhaps the unfamiliar phrase 'planted fantasy' that hinders here. Given how important that is to the piece, is there any way to make clear what you mean by it?

The mention of hell is there because in my waking life that is what it feels like, having to be torn away from him, so the mirror is there, where in real life I'm feeling like I'm in hell and those feelings are strong, but in my dreams when I see him I feel ecstasy.
Got you, but I still find 'as one would in hell' problematic. Where's the answer to the 'why' of that?

Sitting on my knees is referring to kneeling, almost in a posture of humility, and signifying that I feel as if I am begging him to come back so often, that even in my sleep, I'm doing that very thing.
Like I say, it was the phrasing that gave me pause, but perhaps this is one of those things that makes sense to an American (as I assume you are) that doesn't to a Brit. I'd still go with kneeling though, why complicate where you don't have to?

When I say that his eyes are silken, I am saying that they are soft in nature. Tender, almost. There's an affection and a gentleness there. Interesting (and fair enough) though 'red eyes' tends to suggest malevolence rather that affection/gentleness (or, alternatively, weeping).

And the last few lines are about him leaving (fleeing into the hills) and he felt like my home so he carried that away with him. In a poem I have not posted, I liken him to Rome, because in that poem I write that he is my muse and is the beauty that sits high atop the hill, shining down upon me and then I ask what I have done to ever gain his eyes looking at me. Rome is essentially likened to a beautiful, remote land that is something I could never attain but somehow I did. A ha. I wondered about that, but Seraph had me searching for religious explanations (and considering the dim view that Protestants take of Rome and all things Roman).
Also, in my defence, difficult to know what has already been established in a previous poem (is it somewhere in the Pen, by the way?)

And once again, now that he's gone, he has taken that with him. Hence, why I say "and now you have brought my home, my Rome, with you but I am not there. I am here." Maybe another US/UK divide here, but, as I said, I had difficulties with 'brought'. Perhaps

because you have fled into the hills

and have carried off my Rome,

my home,

with you

but I am not there. ....... still don't think you need this, it's strongly implied by the last line.

I am here.

Thank you for mentioning those things, by the way. No problem.  Good luck with the revision.


Best, Knot


.

I can see how it would be harder for one to decipher that it was not who he was beforehand. I was hoping the word woven would imply that rather than his wings already being black, however, I do tend to think most people wouldn't catch onto that which is understandable. I'll try to come up with something.

I can also see how it might not be clear that I'm purposefully falling asleep. I think I can definitely figure out a way to make that more evident.

I managed to change the "sitting on my knees" bit. I do think it is a slight difference between how we talk in America vs. the UK. We tend to be a little more loose with our language and that explains why brought didn't make much sense to you either. Nevertheless, I figured that I'd change that as well and have edited it to "taken".

Also, while I am considered Protestant (as I am Lutheran), at least in America (I cannot speak for any other country), we tend to be less critical of what Rome is and we believe there was a lot of sinful things going on in Rome around the time of Christ, but it's so long ago that we really don't even hardly notice it anymore. I tend to think for most Lutherans that there might have been a different reaction if a place like Sodom, for example had been used. I can imagine them cringing and saying "Yikes." already. It is however, incredibly understandable that you would not understand get what Rome meant. I have not put that other poem up but I plan on doing it, eventually. I already posted my poem for the day but maybe I'll put it up tomorrow. 

I'll see what else I can do with the poem when I wake up.