Wearing My Issues

[theyellowfog]

Most days I feel like I wear
my depression, my anxiety,
my PTSD, and my issues
like a sash of girl scout badges that I proudly sewed on
and wear with my uniform to Brownies.

This is part of a girls' club
of which I've never wanted to be a member;
something much bigger than me,
replacing my personality,
that I just want to escape.

But I drown myself in it.
I paint it on myself
and it's my identity more often than it isn't.

The girl wearing the sash wants to replace those badges,
one by one,
with things that are more worthy of a life story;
More worthy of topics of conversation;
More entertaining than talking about my rape,
or my abuse,
or why I'm sad today.

I just want to get a badge that says I learned how to skip today.
I blew bubbles and they flew and glimmered into the wind.
I played hopscotch and counted to ten while remembering to breathe
and reciting my favorite rhyme.

It's always been like this.

Always crying eyes and sad stories and wishing I was invisible;
People asking me why I'm so quiet;
My mom saying I'm just looking for attention; 
My dad hitting me when -

There I go again.

I don't want to write another sad poem.

I want to rise above it all.
I want to give sad people with sad faces like me hope.

Give me a day where I believe the sun will rise
and I will enjoy the sunset without fearing the dark.

[Todd]

Hi Ashley, welcome to the site! Let me give you some feedback on your poem.

Most days I feel like I wear
my depression, my anxiety,
my PTSD, and my issues--you have issues in the title. I don't think you need it here. You are going from nice specific choices to something more murky and general. For the merit badge idea to work it has to be a merit badge of specifics.
like a sash of girl scout badges that I proudly sewed on
and wear with my uniform to Brownies.--Brownies, so if I'm remembering right, that would be the girl cub scout age (7ish). Not saying at all that those issues aren't happening at that age just noting that it identifies that the problems have an early start date. I do like the imagery.

This is part of a girls' club
of which I've never wanted to be a member;--Nice tweak of the imagery. Begs the question if these are particular issues to girls.
something much bigger than me,
replacing my personality,
that I just want to escape.

But I drown myself in it.
I paint it on myself--no huge criticism here but between drowning and painting, painiting feels more appropiate as a sash is something you display. Painting implies that the speaker has made themselves a sort of sign--a caution sign if you will.
and it's my identity more often than it isn't.

The girl wearing the sash wants to replace those badges,
one by one,
with things that are more worthy of a life story;--You could cut "that are"
More worthy of topics of conversation;--This is summing up a bit. I would consider cutting this as you actually talk about this later (skip, bubbles, etc). What you seem to be looking for from the examples is not so much things worthy of a life story but a recapturing of the childhood that was denied, which is good and fits with the Brownie idea above.
More entertaining than talking about my rape,
or my abuse,
or why I'm sad today.--I like how this stair steps down from most intense to least intense. The inversion makes it stronger for me.

I just want to get a badge that says I learned how to skip today.
I blew bubbles and they flew and glimmered into the wind.--This is nice image.
I played hopscotch and counted to ten while remembering to breathe
and reciting my favorite rhyme.

It's always been like this.

Always crying eyes and sad stories and wishing I was invisible;
People asking me why I'm so quiet;
My mom saying I'm just looking for attention; 
My dad hitting me when -

There I go again.

I don't want to write another sad poem.

I want to rise above it all.--Might not need this line
I want to give sad people with sad faces like me hope.

Give me a day where I believe the sun will rise
and I will enjoy the sunset without fearing the dark.

Nice read. I hope the comments helped some.

Best,

Todd

[vagabond]

in my opinion it could be shorter in some places, examples crossed out.
 
Most days I feel like I wear
my depression, my anxiety,  I´d not specify right at the beginning (since it explaines too much and somehow creates distance between subject and reader, but that´s just my opinion). Maybe try and let impressions of how depression, anxiety and PTSD feel appear later in the poem, though that´s hard.
my PTSD, and my issues
like a sash of girl scout badges that I proudly sewed on
and wear with my uniform to Brownies.

This is part of a girls' club
of which I've never wanted to be a member;    I´d try to make it shorter: “I never wanted to join”  
something much bigger than me,
replacing my personality,
that I just want to escape.

But I drown myself in it.
I paint it on myself
and it's my identity more often than it isn't.   I think this stanza is a repetition of the stanza above

The girl wearing the sash wants to replace those badges,
one by one,
with things that are more worthy of a life story;
More worthy of topics of conversation;
More entertaining than talking about my rape,     it´s clearly implied that this happened to the subject
or my abuse,
or why I'm sad today.       this somehow makes me think "what, so is there even more than rape and abuse?" if so either include it/ give hints, if not, that line could be left out.

I just want to get a badge that says I learned how to skip today. 
I blew bubbles and they flew and glimmered into the wind.
I played hopscotch and counted to ten while remembering to breathe   this is very good, i like the subject´s subtle attempt to calm down after the shock of rape and abuse in the lines above!
and reciting my favorite rhyme.

It's always been like this.    could be left out in my view, because no one was born unhappy.

Always crying eyes and sad stories and wishing I was invisible;   I´d just write something short like "all the sad stories" it would go well with only shortly mentioning rape and abuse, would somehow show the subject trying to repress the detailed reasons of the "issues". forgive me if I´m intruding too much, it´s all just based on my interpretation!
People asking me why I'm so quiet;
My mom saying (sais) I'm just looking for attention; you could connect this with the first line: -- “while I wish I was invisible”
My dad hitting hits me when -

There I go again.

I don't want to write another sad poem.

I want to rise above it all.     maybe just add “and give hope” in this line .
Is the allusion of the poem´s subject to rising/ being like the sun (in the following stanza) intended? if not I´d use a different word than “rise” in the line “I want to rise above it all".  


I want to give sad people with sad faces like me hope.
It´s a perfectly sincere and true wish for everyone, but still reads a little contradictory that the subject wants to give and then asks to be given in the next line.  I´d leave this line out.

Give me a day where I believe the sun will rise       Maybe something simpler like “First I need to believe that the sun will rise”.
and I will enjoy the sunset without fearing the dark.  it´s a little unclear for what sunset stands here to me, maybe just focus on what should happen while in/ with the darkness.

I like what you say in your poem, especially the badge-metaphor and how you use it.

[ellajam]

Hi, welcome to the Pen.  You've got a solid, interesting metaphor here, congrats.

My suggestion is to remove the list from S1 and condense your opening making every word count. Then you could spend the poem describing  the unstitching of each badge, preferably finding an evocative way to describe depression, etc, what you think of when you see each badge without actually naming it.

Then you could turn the poem to the sewing on of the new badges, what you would like to wear for the future, the same way.

I would cut anything that doesn't fit this fine metaphor, that could be a different poem. Even if you try this and prefer your original poem, I think you would gain from the exercise, focus in.

That's what I would do if it was mine, good luck with it.

Most days I feel like I wear
my depression, my anxiety,
my PTSD, and my issues
like a sash of girl scout badges that I proudly sewed on
and wear with my uniform to Brownies.

This is part of a girls' club
of which I've never wanted to be a member;
something much bigger than me,
replacing my personality,
that I just want to escape.

But I drown myself in it.
I paint it on myself
and it's my identity more often than it isn't.

The girl wearing the sash wants to replace those badges,
one by one,
with things that are more worthy of a life story;
More worthy of topics of conversation;
More entertaining than talking about my rape,
or my abuse,
or why I'm sad today.

I just want to get a badge that says I learned how to skip today.
I blew bubbles and they flew and glimmered into the wind.
I played hopscotch and counted to ten while remembering to breathe
and reciting my favorite rhyme.

It's always been like this.

Always crying eyes and sad stories and wishing I was invisible;
People asking me why I'm so quiet;
My mom saying I'm just looking for attention;
My dad hitting me when -

There I go again.

I don't want to write another sad poem.

I want to rise above it all.
I want to give sad people with sad faces like me hope.

Give me a day where I believe the sun will rise
and I will enjoy the sunset without fearing the dark.

[Jase]

i really like that, the imagery is vivid.

Most days I feel like I wear
my depression, my anxiety,
my PTSD, and my issues
like a sash of girl scout badges that I proudly sewed on
and wear with my uniform to Brownies.

This is part of a girls' club
of which I've never wanted to be a member;
something much bigger than me,
replacing my personality,
that I just want to escape.
this in particular hit a nerve in a good way because it emanates how depression feels. specifically: "something much bigger than me, replacing my personality" like it's nullifying all feeling and reducing those into zoned-out ghosts.

But I drown myself in it.
I paint it on myself
and it's my identity more often than it isn't.
"drown myself in it" good imagery, very heavy. "and it's my identity more often than it isn't" clever wording, the depression takes over and hides the real personality with a replacement but the original, happy them is still in there somewhere.

The girl wearing the sash wants to replace those badges,
one by one,
with things that are more worthy of a life story;
More worthy of topics of conversation;
More entertaining than talking about my rape,
or my abuse,
or why I'm sad today.
"The girl wearing the sash wants to replace those badges, one by one" sets a very sad and lonely feel with how its worded.

I just want to get a badge that says I learned how to skip today.
I blew bubbles and they flew and glimmered into the wind.
I played hopscotch and counted to ten while remembering to breathe
and reciting my favorite rhyme.
back to childhood where things may have been simpler or happier, the reader can relate somewhat. less responsibility and because of that, like a double-edged sword, more freedom. this also links strongly with depression due to it being a time that was more carefree.

It's always been like this.

Always crying eyes and sad stories and wishing I was invisible;
People asking me why I'm so quiet;
My mom saying I'm just looking for attention; 
My dad hitting me when -

There I go again.

I don't want to write another sad poem.

I want to rise above it all.
I want to give sad people with sad faces like me hope.
relating to those with similar problems. very heartfelt.

Give me a day where I believe the sun will rise
and I will enjoy the sunset without fearing the dark.
beautiful ending.

[theyellowfog]

Thank you all so much for your comments and critiques! They are so very much appreciated I'm going to take everyone's advice into consideration and work on it.

[billy]

hi TYF,

you get the point across and in places the poem connected with me. i think you could take out a lot of the verbiage without losing anything. once that's done you could use a few simile/metaphore and make it just a little less telly. i'd also consider reworking the end as it feels a little cheesy. i did enoy some of the originality, and the simile in the first stanza. sadly it was the only one to be had.

Most days I feel like I wear
my depression, my anxiety,
my PTSD, and my issues let the title do its job, i'd suggest ending line on PTSD.
like a sash of girl scout badges that I proudly sewed on no need for [that]
and wear with my uniform to Brownies.

This is part of a girls' club [no need for this is]
of which I've never wanted to be a member;
something much bigger than me,
replacing my personality,
that I just want to escape.

But I drown myself in it.
I paint it on myself
and it's my identity more often than it isn't.

The girl wearing the sash wants to replace those badges,
one by one,
with things that are more worthy of a life story;
More worthy of topics of conversation;
More entertaining than talking about my rape,
or my abuse,
or why I'm sad today.

I just want to get a badge that says I learned how to skip today.
I blew bubbles and they flew and glimmered into the wind.
I played hopscotch and counted to ten while remembering to breathe
and reciting my favorite rhyme. good stanza that counters the depression within the poem while adding to it.

It's always been like this.

Always crying eyes and sad stories; and wishing I was invisible;
People asking me why I'm so quiet;
My mom saying I'm just looking for attention;
My dad hitting me when -

There I go again.

I don't want to write another sad poem.

I want to rise above it all.
I want to give sad people with sad faces like me hope.

Give me a day where I believe the sun will rise
and I will enjoy the sunset without fearing the dark.

[theyellowfog]

Thanks so much, billy. I really appreciate the feedback. I'm definitely going to spend lots of time reworking this. I'm enjoying reading the poetry on this forum and peoples' critiques. It's much different than being on deviantart or other websites where people only tell you good things. That's why I joined here. I didn't even realize how telly it was until you and others pointed it out, but it's definitely something I have to work on. I'm going to spend a lot of time working on this, but I think it will be a while until I have something I'm proud of haha. I'm sticking around this site, but I'm taking my time with reworking this one. I have other poems I'm working on as well, and already I've noticed areas in which I need to improve them just from my short time being on this website. I've read a lot of the advice for new people and realize that I make a lot of mistakes that new poets make, so I have a long way to go. Anyway, thanks again.

hi TYF,

you get the point across and in places the poem connected with me. i think you could take out a lot of the verbiage without losing anything. once that's done you could use a few simile/metaphore and make it just a little less telly. i'd also consider reworking the end as it feels a little cheesy. i did enoy some of the originality, and the simile in the first stanza. sadly it was the only one to be had. 

[B.nicole]

Most days I feel like I wear
my depression, my anxiety,       I wouldn't immediately tell the reader about the depression, anxiety, and PTSD. Maybe use some descriptive metaphors or something before introducing that.
my PTSD, and my issues
like a sash of girl scout badges that I proudly sewed on
and wear with my uniform to Brownies.

This is part of a girls' club
of which I've never wanted to be a member;
something much bigger than me,
replacing my personality,
that I just want to escape.

But I drown myself in it.
I paint it on myself    You used "myself" in both lines. Maybe try "I paint it on my skin". 
and it's my identity more often than it isn't.

The girl wearing the sash wants to replace those badges,
one by one,
with things that are more worthy of a life story;
More worthy of topics of conversation;
More entertaining than talking about my rape,
or my abuse,
or why I'm sad today.

I just want to get a badge that says I learned how to skip today.
I blew bubbles and they flew and glimmered into the wind.
I played hopscotch and counted to ten while remembering to breathe
and reciting my favorite rhyme.

It's always been like this.

Always crying eyes and sad stories and wishing I was invisible;
People asking me why I'm so quiet;
My mom saying I'm just looking for attention; 
My dad hitting me when -

There I go again.

I don't want to write another sad poem.

I want to rise above it all.
I want to give sad people with sad faces like me hope.

Give me a day where I believe the sun will rise
and I will enjoy the sunset without fearing the dark.

Your poem reminds me of slam poetry. Was that your intent? I will be posting mine shortly and I believe our poems share some similarities. I'm new to critiquing. I think it was overall a promising piece of work. 

[ClaireLou]

Firstly, overall I like your poem, my favourite type of poetry will always be that which is emotive & written with imagery & feeling.  I do have a few pointers but these are mainly personal preferences, to me a poem is part of you & we all see what is written differently which is what is so wonderful:


Most days I feel like I wear
my depression, my anxiety,
my PTSD, and my issues (I would remove the "AND"
like a sash of girl scout badges that I proudly sewed on
and wear with my uniform to Brownies. (I prefer the flow if the last two lines were joined together in a shorter format eg "Like a sash of Girl Scout badges proudly sewn onto my Brownies Uniform)

This is part of a girls' club
of which I've never wanted to be a member;
something much bigger than me,
replacing my personality,
that I just want to escape.
(I love this verse, the ways it flows & the imagery it creates)

But I drown myself in it.
I paint it on myself
and it's my identity more often than it isn't.

The girl wearing the sash wants to replace those badges,
one by one,
with things that are more worthy of a life story; (I would remove the "That are", I don't think it's needed at this point & I would change the "a" to "her" life story, only because I think it sounds more specific)
More worthy of topics of conversation; (I would remove "topics of" I don't think its needed)
More entertaining than talking about my rape,
or my abuse, (I would remove the "or" I don't think it's needed)
or why I'm sad today. (I would remove the "or")

I just want to get a badge that says I learned how to skip today. (I would remove the "today", it is the last line of the verse above & I don't think you need to include it twice so closely)
I blew bubbles and they flew and glimmered into the wind. (I would remove the first "And", I'm not a great fan of and, I find it can sometimes make the poem a little disjointed)
I played hopscotch and counted to ten while remembering to breathe (Again I would remove the "And")
and reciting my favorite rhyme.

It's always been like this.

Always crying eyes and sad stories and wishing I was invisible; (I would remove the first "And" but leave the second as that seems to fit quite nicely)
People asking me why I'm so quiet;
My mom saying I'm just looking for attention;
My dad hitting me when -

There I go again.

I don't want to write another sad poem.

I want to rise above it all. (I would remove this line as I think the end is powerful enough without it)
I want to give sad people with sad faces like me hope.

Give me a day where I believe the sun will rise
and I will enjoy the sunset without fearing the dark.
(I like the ending, it brings forth hope that there is a future for us all & it may not always be sunny but there will always be times of light)

[israa.97@hotmail.com]

To me, the more mysterious a poem the better it is. Therefore, I think it would be better if you didn't state "my depression, my anxiety,
my PTSD, and my issues" because it's a bit cliche. You could at it in the end, or remove it altogether. Other than that, I really like the metaphor and emotions in this poem.

Good Luck!