Posts: 695
Threads: 139
Joined: Jun 2015
Silver Lover
my darling
mirrors do not reflect
the whole truth
they know nothing
of the beauty
of your youth
they show only
fleeting glimpses
of your style
they may show some gray
yet not the silver lining
of your smile
Posts: 894
Threads: 176
Joined: Jan 2021
(07-19-2023, 06:34 AM)Mark A Becker Wrote: Silver Lover when I read this title, I can't help but think of Silver Surfer; blame Rowens; but seriously, I'd prefer a different title
my darling
mirrors do not reflect
the whole truth the complete truth (?); "the whole truth" is overused
they know nothing
of the beauty
of your youth repetition of "of" is distracting: "about the beauty" (?)
they show only
fleeting glimpses like "whole truth", "fleeting glimpses" is too familiar
of your style
they may show some gray
yet not the silver lining
of your smile very nice finale
Hi Mark,
A few suggestions.
Tim
Posts: 438
Threads: 374
Joined: Sep 2014
Doesn't matter much, but the ofs could give way to something more. But, with a simple and direct poem like this, the ofs can add of themselves. They show you're stating simply how you feel, and not trying to dazzle.
line of silver smile
