Open Field - Edit 1

[Wjames]

White pasture lambs
lie with closed eyes
in damp morning grass,
breathing fresh spring
and budding flower.

They rise without finesse,
tottering towards the shepherd
with legs wide apart,
navigating the earth 
with care.

First Version:

White pasture lambs
bathe in rainbow,
lying with closed eyes
in damp morning grass,
breathing fresh spring
through the nose.

They rise without finesse,
tottering towards the shepherd
with legs wide apart,
navigating the earth
with no procedure.

[rowens]

White adheres
a soaked spectrum,
dark light seeps through
liquid new tangibility,
air is life
centered and grounded.

The multitude,
grasping for cause and meaning
as two sides of one coin,
wandering
nowlessly.



That's my interpretation.


I had considered a prosaic critique; but found that reductive.

[TranquillityBase]

White pasture lambs
bathe in rainbow,           rest of poem is so naturalistic, this line sticks out; it's a nice image, but seems fantastical among the other images
lying with closed eyes
in damp morning grass,
breathing fresh spring
through the nose.           this seems redundant (e.g. "breathing" in previous line).  I would assume they would using their nose, not their mouth, if at rest.

They rise without finesse,
tottering towards the shepherd
with legs wide apart,
navigating the earth
with no procedure.          "procedure" bugs me; I see what you are saying, but it feels like the wrong word; too bureaucratic sounding, or something

In spite of my nit-picking, I really enjoyed the poem, especially second stanza, very precise in its presentation.

[brynmawr1]

White pasture lambs
bathe in rainbow,          this is too much
lying with closed eyes     sort of want this to read....'with closed eyes lay'
in damp morning grass,
breathing fresh spring
through the nose.         also too much

They rise without finesse,
tottering towards the shepherd
with legs wide apart,
navigating the earth       really want this last line to read...'they navigate the earth'.  but can't quite make it work
with no procedure.            

Wjames,
This is very nice.  My only wish is to have it end with my proposed last line, which, I think is strong.  I just can't get it to quite work.
Either way, nice work.
bryn

[Wjames]

Thanks for your thoughts everyone, I agree with most of your critiques Tqb and Bryn, and enjoyed rowens interpretation.

I made an edit, I think budding flower in s1 retains the colour of the rainbow line while being more grounded. It also keeps the smell aspect of breathing through the nose which was cut.

I still do not love the ending, I think the change says the same thing in a slightly better way but is still flawed. I think I might try something more like Bryn's suggestion as that ending thought may be somewhat self-evident.

[TranquillityBase]

White pasture lambs
lie with closed eyes
in damp morning grass,
breathing fresh spring
and budding flower.

They rise without finesse,
tottering towards the shepherd
with legs wide apart,
navigating the earth 
with care for each step.

Hello again,

I like the edit.  Not sure what you are looking for in a last line.  "with uncertainty in each step" occurred to me, although "tottering" does already imply that.

I don't think every poem needs an earthshaking last line.  A simple ending is not a sin.

TqB

[Wjames]

Thank Tranquil, yes, I agree, simplicity is often best. I've just changed it to remove 'for each step' at the end, and will just end at 'navigating the earth with care'. I may still come back at some point and change the end again.

[Lizzie]

Hi, Wjames. The new version is much improved. For me, the title is too static -- you'd do well to have something with a little action. Especially on a forum like this where people scan titles to see what jumps out at them (and maybe they only have a few minutes), it's important to consider how eye-catching your title is (without being completely absurd, of course). 

White pasture lambs
lie with closed eyes
in damp morning grass,
breathing fresh spring
and budding flower. -- Makes me wonder if they smell flowers the way we do or if their sense of smell is fully developed at birth. Perhaps this is an anthropomorphism? If you know a lot about sheep, I retract. 

They rise without finesse, -- the understatement makes this funny
tottering towards the shepherd -- tottering is the perfect verb
with legs wide apart, -- referencing back to the title
navigating the earth 
with care.

I find it a bit too serene -- you could hint at danger toward the end to contrast with the idyllic beginning. Then again, leaving it pristine has it's charm. 

[Wjames]

Thanks for your thoughts, Lizzie, I see what you mean about the title not being striking on its own, but the title was the first thing I thought of in the poem, and I kind of like it.

This poem is just an attempt to deliver a peaceful & optimistic, but still determined feeling. I wanted the poem to have an abstract message about living in the moment (the simplest action for a baby lamb requires full attention), while keeping an eye on the future (the horizon of an open field).

I don't know if it really works as I intended, but I think this is as close as I will come for now.