You wear it well

[bob@mancity.net]

Rod Stewart

This was a day I remember
we were playing “You wear it well”
An idea popped into my head,
and the story I will tell.

I asked John to get his pen out
he found one and got his pad.
I said let’s write the words down,
he said we must be mad.

We lifted the needle on the LP
to the start of this wonderful song.
he wrote down the first line,
didn’t realise it was so long.

We took turns at lifting the needle
and writing the words on the pad.
When we finished it, we were happy,
we sang it and it didn’t sound bad.

It took us quite a long time
but didn’t matter, we were having’ fun.
We’d leave our house in Duke Street.
to enjoy the Padstow sun.

“Madame Onassis got nothing on you”
we’d sing at the top of our voice.
We had to do it justice,
as we felt we had no choice.

We’d made some tasty homebrew
and were as drunk as we could be.
We’d have a go at another next day,
The Who’s record, I’m Free.

We played these records very loud.
and Phil would come in and say.
“At least it’s not bloody Slade”,
and next day we’d do Maggie May.

Never a dull moment
we really loved that LP.
And “You wear it well”,
as always meant much to me.

last year saw Rod for the first time
and a tear came to my eye.
When he sang “You wear it well”,
and fifty years had gone by.

[CRNDLSM]

Hey Bob, thanks for sharing, since you're new at critique, you should go back and add some more lines of thought/analysis/suggestion into your latest critique. We don't have 'like' buttons here to just keep scrolling. I'd personal message this but newbies don't always notice those.

[bob@mancity.net]

1697032723[/url]']
Hey Bob, thanks for sharing, since you're new at critique, you should go back and add some more lines of thought/analysis/suggestion into your latest critique.  We don't have 'like' buttons here to just keep scrolling.  I'd personal message this but newbies don't always notice those.

ok will do
i’m that new to poetry
difficult to say anything 
but i’ll try ?

[CRNDLSM]

When you post in a critique forum, you're asking people to not just read it, but carefully consider it in a manner that will improve it. Everyone has a unique valid opinion and they don't always agree, the more you put in, the more you will receive. I mean, the more you critique, and read critique, the better you will be able to apply it to your own works. If you're interested in improving your works

[bob@mancity.net]

1697036669[/url]']
When you post in a critique forum, you're asking people to not just read it, but carefully consider it in a manner that will improve it.  Everyone has a unique valid opinion and they don't always agree, the more you put in, the more you will receive.  I mean, the more you critique, and read critique, the better you will be able to apply it to your own works.  If you're interested in improving your works

I’ll give it my best shot

[Tiger the Lion]

Hi Bob. Welcome to the site. I will try to get you started with some first thoughts.

Rod Stewart

This was a day I remember
we were playing “You wear it well”
An idea popped into my head,
and the story I will tell.

I asked John to get his pen out
he found one and got his pad.
I said let’s write the words down,
he said we must be mad.

We lifted the needle on the LP
to the start of this wonderful song.
he wrote down the first line,
didn’t realise it was so long.

We took turns at lifting the needle
and writing the words on the pad.
When we finished it, we were happy,
we sang it and it didn’t sound bad.

It took us quite a long time
but didn’t matter, we were having’ fun.
We’d leave our house in Duke Street.
to enjoy the Padstow sun.

“Madame Onassis got nothing on you”
we’d sing at the top of our voice.
We had to do it justice,
as we felt we had no choice.

We’d made some tasty homebrew
and were as drunk as we could be.
We’d have a go at another next day,
The Who’s record, I’m Free.

We played these records very loud.
and Phil would come in and say.
“At least it’s not bloody Slade”,
and next day we’d do Maggie May.

Never a dull moment
we really loved that LP.
And “You wear it well”,
as always meant much to me.

last year saw Rod for the first time
and a tear came to my eye.
When he sang “You wear it well”,
and fifty years had gone by.

Positives:

I liked the story, and story telling can be half the battle.
You include some engaging details
The poem appears to be aware of meter if not perfect

Negatives:

The punctuation needs attention - yes, it can be hard work
There are too many throwaway lines, whether to complete a rhyme or fill space. 
Ask yourself if the lines that rhyme reveal as much as those that don't. Do they serve a purpose other than the rhyme?

[bob@mancity.net]

1697046432[/url]']
Hi Bob. Welcome to the site. I will try to get you started with some first thoughts.

1697032284[/url]']
Rod Stewart

This was a day I remember
we were playing “You wear it well”
An idea popped into my head,
and the story I will tell.

I asked John to get his pen out
he found one and got his pad.
I said let’s write the words down,
he said we must be mad.

We lifted the needle on the LP
to the start of this wonderful song.
he wrote down the first line,
didn’t realise it was so long.

We took turns at lifting the needle
and writing the words on the pad.
When we finished it, we were happy,
we sang it and it didn’t sound bad.

It took us quite a long time
but didn’t matter, we were having’ fun.
We’d leave our house in Duke Street.
to enjoy the Padstow sun.

“Madame Onassis got nothing on you”
we’d sing at the top of our voice.
We had to do it justice,
as we felt we had no choice.

We’d made some tasty homebrew
and were as drunk as we could be.
We’d have a go at another next day,
The Who’s record, I’m Free.

We played these records very loud.
and Phil would come in and say.
“At least it’s not bloody Slade”,
and next day we’d do Maggie May.

Never a dull moment
we really loved that LP.
And “You wear it well”,
as always meant much to me.

last year saw Rod for the first time
and a tear came to my eye.
When he sang “You wear it well”,
and fifty years had gone by.

Positives:

I liked the story, and story telling can be half the battle.
You include some engaging details
The poem appears to be aware of meter if not perfect

Negatives:

The punctuation needs attention - yes, it can be hard work
There are too many throwaway lines, whether to complete a rhyme or fill space. 
Ask yourself if the lines that rhyme reveal as much as those that don't. Do they serve a purpose other than the rhyme?

Thank you Tiger
very grateful 

i will look at it again
it’s a true story back in early 70’s
originally meant for just me 

But i’ve gone on to enjoy the process
i will work on improving it
thank you 
Bob

[CircleWalker]

Rod Stewart

(please read my comment at the bottom to understand my suggested lines/ideas.)

This was a day I remember       A day remembered
we were playing “You wear it well”    While playing "You wear it well"
An idea popped into my head,    Into my head, an idea
and the story I will tell.    The story I will tell
 
(I don't know that mine is an improvement, but hopefully you get the idea. And yes I know, it sounds somewhat like Yoda)

An more radical alternative might be something like this style:

  [i]"You wear it well"
  Playing on a phonograph
  A lovely day remembered
  A friend who made me laugh

(I forced the rhyme, but it could have been worse) Also, I believe it is often better just to tell a story without announcing it first) I hope that I am not saying too much or being to critical. I'm really hoping to help with something that I have struggled with. I often go through my poems and try to take out every unnecessary word that I can, though sometimes those types of words are useful in the pattern of the sounds and words as I speak them, and how my poems sound out loud matter to me.[/i]

I really do like the story itself a lot.

I asked John to get his pen out
he found one and got his pad.
I said let’s write the words down,
he said we must be mad.

We lifted the needle on the LP
to the start of this wonderful song.
he wrote down the first line,
didn’t realise it was so long.

We took turns at lifting the needle
and writing the words on the pad.
When we finished it, we were happy,
we sang it and it didn’t sound bad.

It took us quite a long time
but didn’t matter, we were having’ fun.
We’d leave our house in Duke Street.
to enjoy the Padstow sun.

“Madame Onassis got nothing on you”
we’d sing at the top of our voice.
We had to do it justice,
as we felt we had no choice.

We’d made some tasty homebrew
and were as drunk as we could be.
We’d have a go at another next day,
The Who’s record, I’m Free.

We played these records very loud.
and Phil would come in and say.
“At least it’s not bloody Slade”,
and next day we’d do Maggie May.

Never a dull moment
we really loved that LP.
And “You wear it well”,
as always meant much to me.

last year saw Rod for the first time
and a tear came to my eye.
When he sang “You wear it well”,
and fifty years had gone by.

Bob, I'm a newbie on this site also. This is only my 2nd critique.

One of the things that I have struggled with at times in my poems (I've written 10 over a 6 year period) is being what I call ... too "sentencey". By that I mean writing in a similar fashion to prose, yet structuring it as a poem. I'm no expert in the least, but there are ways to be less wordy that would make it more "poetic" in my opinion.

For instance you use: This was ... They were ... and the. I will try to make just a few suggestions with the first stanza. They are imperfect, but I hope you get the idea. And please know that I realize everyone has there own style. And feel free to totally ignore what I have said of course.

[Knot]

Hi Bob (and also welcome.)

There's a nice idea here, but I think you set off on the wrong foot.

This was a day I remember
we were playing “You wear it well”
An idea popped into my head,
and the story I will tell.

- I like a good preamble as much as anyone, but this sets up something that you don't deliver, namely 'the story'.

I asked John to get his pen out
he found one and got his pad.
I said let’s write the words down,
he said we must be mad.

- lacking a bit of context here, where were you when doing this? And more importantly, why?

We lifted the needle on the LP
to the start of this wonderful song.
he wrote down the first line,
didn’t realise it was so long.

- interesting detail.

We took turns at lifting the needle
and writing the words on the pad.
When we finished it, we were happy,
we sang it and it didn’t sound bad.

It took us quite a long time
but didn’t matter, we were having’ fun.
We’d leave our house in Duke Street.
to enjoy the Padstow sun.

- I think you could cut both these verses (or combine them with S2, as in

I took first turn of the needle
At the start of this wonderful song.
he wrote down the first line,
didn’t realise it was so long.

“Madame Onassis got nothing on you”
we’d sing at the top of our voice.
We had to do it justice,
as we felt we had no choice.

- perhaps introduce a reaction to the singing, rather than these last two lines? But the quote form the song works well.

We’d made some tasty homebrew
and were as drunk as we could be.
We’d have a go at another next day,
The Who’s record, I’m Free.

- this seems almost a non-sequitur (and certainly doesn't lead anywhere.)

We played these records very loud.
and Phil would come in and say.
“At least it’s not bloody Slade”,
and next day we’d do Maggie May.

- perhaps something like

we turn the music up to 10
and strutted as it played
and Phil would always interrupt
“At least it’s not bloody Slade”,

Phil rather comes out of nowhere, and then disappears just as fast (but 'at least it's not Slade' is funny and worth keeping, I think.)

Never a dull moment
we really loved that LP.
And “You wear it well”,
as always meant much to me.

- don't think you need this.

last year saw Rod for the first time
and a tear came to my eye.
When he sang “You wear it well”,
and fifty years had gone by.

- The poem is very much a 'what happened' but not 'why'.

Best, Knot


.

[hestavi]

I really like the colloquial tone of this poem, the rhythm and the rhyme which mostly works. I tend to be sensitive to the usage of rhyme because it needs to be delicate to work, so some lines like   When we finished it, we were happy, we sang it and it didn’t sound bad 
feel a little forced in the rhyme scheme. Otherwise , it tells a tale rather effortlessly and evokes feeling some poignant feelings of nostalgia. 
 we sang