Haiku - Autumn

[DonMar]

Autumn swirls around

my feet, sunsets in the shape

of leaves forewarn me.

[Lizzie]

Autumn swirls around

my feet, sunsets in the shape

of leaves forewarn me.

The swirling around the feet seems at odds with a foreboding feel at the end. I prefer the playful feeling in the first line, but it's not my decision.

I understand sunsets in the colors of the changing leaves, but the shape throws me off. I'm thinking of an oak leaf, and going....nope. Maybe specify the variety of leaf? 

Also, I think that you're using too many filler words (of, me, in, the). Haiku is bonsai, and I think you'd do well to pare it down to the basics and pack in as much observation as possible.

P.S. Welcome back to the Pen 

[rayheinrich]

Autumn swirls around

my feet, sunsets in the shape

of leaves forewarn me.

My sunset this evening had clouds that could definitely be interpreted
as being leaves.
(At the time they reminded me of cats' heads; but if you're surrounded by
eight cats, every damn thing starts looking like cats.)

And haiku? In my head it makes for a solid five line poem:

autumn
swirls around my feet

sunsets
in the shape of leaves

forewarn me

[DonMar]

Lizzie, thank you for the 'welcome back' and for your feedback. I'll bear in mind 'bonsai' going forward. (I feel that 'forewarned' gives the piece a bit of an edge. )

rayheinreich, thank you for you input. Indeed, in your rearrangement the haiku/poem has a different dynamic.