As For him, and his House

[Tiger the Lion]

As For him, and his House

She and I were raised
in a flat-earth home,

fraternal twins 
to an alcohol beast
and his silent beauty.

There was always 
some subtle snicker
hanging in the park air
when we played 
with the others,

always an 'us and them,'

always an immediate bath
and a talking-to before bed.

September we would be starting school--

she 
and I, 

and Mom.

[dukealien]

As For him, and his House

She and I were raised
in a flat-earth home,    very economical in describing the stituation

fraternal twins    equivocal but exact
to an alcohol beast
and his silent beauty.

There was always 
some subtle snicker
hanging in the park air
when we played 
with the others,  circling back to the flat-earth home, also efficient and effective

always an 'us and them,'   is this necessary, given the previous line?  It doesn't hinder, but does it help?

always an immediate bath
and a talking-to before bed.  mustn't let any unapproved ideas take root... building up to the conclusion

September we would be starting school--  "would be" is very precise - stating that this is all foreboding, the VP knows what happened next but the reader must guess.

she 
and I,  finally states which of the twins he is

and Mom.  *POW* and now the reader has to figure out exactly what's going on - or is about to

Very nice - complex and a bit ambiguous without being convoluted.

The ambiguity comes at the end - narrator's gender is set, but what's with Mom?  The immediate first thought (to the dirty mind) is that Mom is so young - or at least has been kept out of school, perhaps hidden, so long - that she has to go with the kids.  To high school, maybe?

Then rationality (?) sets in with more plausible, deeper, interpretations:  is Mom, perhaps, a teacher?  Or best - and I suppose intended - that Mom is going to start learning as she's exposed, even at home, to what the kids learn at school all day.  And may no longer be captive to the monster and his ideology.

Aside from the one question about necessity above, no real critique of the words.  The story progression is good, and word choice neatly and sequentially shuts down all the ambiguity until the end when it pops up again redoubled.  Circling all the way back to the title, *his* house is set for a fall.

[Tiger the Lion]

As For him, and his House

She and I were raised
in a flat-earth home,    very economical in describing the stituation

fraternal twins    equivocal but exact
to an alcohol beast
and his silent beauty.

There was always 
some subtle snicker
hanging in the park air
when we played 
with the others,  circling back to the flat-earth home, also efficient and effective

always an 'us and them,'   is this necessary, given the previous line?  It doesn't hinder, but does it help?
probably not necessary, as you say. It was the 3 instances of "always" I was trying to nail. 

always an immediate bath
and a talking-to before bed.  mustn't let any unapproved ideas take root... building up to the conclusion

September we would be starting school--  "would be" is very precise - stating that this is all foreboding, the VP knows what happened next but the reader must guess.

she 
and I,  finally states which of the twins he is

and Mom.  *POW* and now the reader has to figure out exactly what's going on - or is about to

Very nice - complex and a bit ambiguous without being convoluted.

The ambiguity comes at the end - narrator's gender is set, but what's with Mom?  The immediate first thought (to the dirty mind) is that Mom is so young - or at least has been kept out of school, perhaps hidden, so long - that she has to go with the kids.  To high school, maybe?

Then rationality (?) sets in with more plausible, deeper, interpretations:  is Mom, perhaps, a teacher?  Or best - and I suppose intended - that Mom is going to start learning as she's exposed, even at home, to what the kids learn at school all day.  And may no longer be captive to the monster and his ideology. pretty much nails the intent

Aside from the one question about necessity above, no real critique of the words.  The story progression is good, and word choice neatly and sequentially shuts down all the ambiguity until the end when it pops up again redoubled.  Circling all the way back to the title, *his* house is set for a fall.

Thanks for the read and observations, Duke. Still toying with this. The premise is not exactly original, so the presentation really needs to be.