January Oracle (edit)

[TranquillityBase]

January Oracle

I throw the wheat pennies,
record the broken & unbroken lines
of the hexagrams:

A ravine.
I must follow it to the end,
like a stream, navigating rocky outcroppings
& filling the low places
until I can move on.

Beyond the ravine, a meadow
where dragons have fought.
I step over the splashes
of yellow & black blood.

I stand on the shore of a lake,
before me, in a cloudless sky,
a mountain reaches to heaven,
& to judgement.

January Oracle 

A December diagnosis
and a long wait for answers
except for the dire prophecies
of Internet soothsayers
and the secret police of symptoms.

I throw my wheat pennies,
calculate my corporeal future 
in the broken or unbroken lines
of a pencilled hexagram:

I find myself in a ravine.
I must follow it to the end,
a stream, navigating rocky outcroppings
and filling the low places
until I can move on.

Beyond the ravine, 
I come to a meadow
where dragons have fought.
I step over the splashes
of yellow and black blood

and into the nephrologist’s office.
No oracles here, only a plastic model:
a set of technicolor kidneys,
and the eyes and voice of a specialist.

I’m his puppet for the moment.
I dance to his queries,  
and he is satisfied.  I come away
carrying an indulgence
retreat back into doubt.

It’s strange, but I’m disappointed.
A two month interval 
absorbing my mortality
has left me desiring nothing more
than the next question.








January Oracle

I throw my wheat pennies
calculate my mortal future in broken
or unbroken lines.

I find myself in a ravine.
I must follow it to the end,
like a stream, filling each ragged hole
so I can move on.

I have no map
only the I Ching
to withstand the delusions,
the jagged walls of this path.

Beyond I traverse a meadow
where dragons have fought.
I step over the splashes
of yellow and black blood.

I close the book. I’m  left standing
on the shore of a lake,
before a mountain’s struggle with heaven,
and the question of the next second.




Waiting to See the Specialist

Conversational zen
is what I need to get through
this ravine, enough magic
to follow it to the end
a stream, filling each ragged hole
so I can move on.

I have no map
only the I Ching
to withstand the delusions
the jagged walls of this path.

I throw my wheat pennies
calculate my mortal future in broken
or unbroken lines.

The Ching never fails me 
as I traverse a meadow
where dragons have fought.
I step over the splashes
of yellow and black blood

into a time of waiting
waiting for the approach of an end
and a way forward
past the merciless lights 
of the specialist’s eyes.

[TranquillityBase]

I've edited this in hopes of getting some feedback.  I think the "specialist" part ruined what was my main goal, to write about the experience of consulting the I Ching.  I put it in Basic, because at the time, it was a draft.

[brynmawr1]

January Oracle

I throw my wheat pennies
calculate my mortal future in broken
or unbroken lines.

I find myself in a ravine.
I must follow it to the end,
like a stream, filling each ragged hole
so I can move on.

I have no map
only the I Ching
to withstand the delusions,
the jagged walls of this path.

Beyond I traverse a meadow
where dragons have fought.
I step over the splashes
of yellow and black blood.

I close the book. I’m  left standing
on the shore of a lake,
before a mountain’s struggle with heaven,
and the question of the next second.

Waiting to See the Specialist

Conversational zen
is what I need to get through
this ravine, enough magic
to follow it to the end
a stream, filling each ragged hole
so I can move on.

I have no map
only the I Ching
to withstand the delusions
the jagged walls of this path.

I throw my wheat pennies
calculate my mortal future in broken
or unbroken lines.

The Ching never fails me 
as I traverse a meadow
where dragons have fought.
I step over the splashes
of yellow and black blood

into a time of waiting
waiting for the approach of an end
and a way forward
past the merciless lights 
of the specialist’s eyes.

HI TqB,
Sorry, I have been meaning to stop by for some time but haven't. For some reason the formatting on this computer (I'm not home) is wonky so I can't provide in line comments at this time. But I will! I can say that I liked the original in the context of using the I Ching to navigate something scary and too commonplace for a lot of people. Your more focused revision also works but might be harder for people to relate too. I will add more later.
Bryn

[CRNDLSM]

I like the newer one more for sure, hope this helps

January Oracle

I throw my wheat pennies I don't know anything about the I ching, or wheat pennies, coming at the beginning makes a good setting
calculate my mortal future in broken
or unbroken lines.

I find myself in a ravine.
I must follow it to the end,
like a stream, filling each ragged hole
so I can move on. Filling ragged holes in a ravine or a stream? I don't understand the holes

I have no map
only the I Ching
to withstand the delusions,
the jagged walls of this path. I don't think you NEED to tell us it's the I ching?

Beyond I traverse a meadow
where dragons have fought.
I step over the splashes
of yellow and black blood. Iim  guessing the colors of the dragon's bloods are symbolic

I close the book. I’m  left standing since we know it's the I ching closing the book does have two meanings at least, but feels awkward
on the shore of a lake,
before a mountain’s struggle with heaven,
and the question of the next second. Is 'second' important? 'And my next question' or something

Waiting to See the Specialist

Conversational zen
is what I need to get through
this ravine, enough magic
to follow it to the end
a stream, filling each ragged hole
so I can move on.

I have no map
only the I Ching
to withstand the delusions
the jagged walls of this path.

I throw my wheat pennies
calculate my mortal future in broken
or unbroken lines.

The Ching never fails me 
as I traverse a meadow
where dragons have fought.
I step over the splashes
of yellow and black blood

into a time of waiting
waiting for the approach of an end
and a way forward
past the merciless lights 
of the specialist’s eyes.

[Knot]

Hi TqB

I though the ‘specialist’ in the original gave the piece an edge/context that’s missing in the revision.
The problem, for me, was twofold: firstly not knowing that coins were used in the I Ching (thus the wheat pennies are explained) and second, the suddenness of ‘Beyond I traverse a meadow’ (I didn’t get much sense of N travelling through that ravine.)
Also, a ravine has only limited possibilities of movement (you go up or down, unless you choose to climb out of it) so difficult to see what role the I Ching is playing, or what the delusions might be.

Some passing thoughts ...

I find myself in a ravine.
where, like a stream,

I must fill each ragged hole
so I can move on.

I have no map
only the I Ching

to withstand the delusions,
I throw my wheat pennies

calculate my mortal future
in broken or unbroken lines. ……….. feels like a mention of a hexagram wouldn’t go amiss here

the jagged walls of this path
have led to a meadow

where dragons have fought.
I step over the splashes

of yellow and black blood
to the shore of a lake

to where a mountain struggles
with Heaven and the question

of the next second.
I close the book.


Best, Knot


.

[TranquillityBase]

HI TqB,
Sorry, I have been meaning to stop by for some time but haven't.  For some reason the formatting on this computer (I'm not home) is wonky so I can't provide in line comments at this time. But I will!  I can say that I liked the original in the context of using the I Ching to navigate something scary and too commonplace for a lot of people.  Your more focused revision also works but might be harder for people to relate too.  I will add more later.
Bryn

Thanks for the read.  I look forward to anything else you might add later.  I empathize about the wonky computer.  
TqB

---

I like the newer one more for sure, hope this helps

[quote="TranquillityBase" pid='268254' dateline='1705170711']
January Oracle

I throw my wheat pennies I don't know anything about the I ching, or wheat pennies, coming at the beginning makes a good setting
calculate my mortal future in broken
or unbroken lines.

I find myself in a ravine.
I must follow it to the end,
like a stream, filling each ragged hole
so I can move on. Filling ragged holes in a ravine or a stream? I don't understand the holes  

I have no map
only the I Ching
to withstand the delusions,
the jagged walls of this path. I don't think you NEED to tell us it's the I ching?

Beyond I traverse a meadow
where dragons have fought.
I step over the splashes
of yellow and black blood. Iim  guessing the colors of the dragon's bloods are symbolic

I close the book. I’m  left standing since we know it's the I ching closing the book does have two meanings at least, but feels awkward
on the shore of a lake,
before a mountain’s struggle with heaven,
and the question of the next second. Is 'second' important? 'And my next question' or something

CRNDLSM, thanks for the suggestions.  I guess I felt like I needed to name the I Ching, since it wouldn't be for sure that people would realize I was talking about it.  That is, I don't know how well known it is these days.  That's the trouble with being so f**king old; books, songs, movies etc  important to me are mostly forgotten or barely recognized. 
TqB

---

Hi TqB

I though the ‘specialist’ in the original gave the piece an edge/context that’s missing in the revision.
The problem, for me, was twofold: firstly not knowing that coins were used in the I Ching (thus the wheat pennies are explained) and second, the suddenness of ‘Beyond I traverse a meadow’ (I didn’t get much sense of N travelling through that ravine.)
Also, a ravine has only limited possibilities of movement (you go up or down, unless you choose to climb out of it) so difficult to see what role the I Ching is playing, or what the delusions might be.

Some passing thoughts ...

I find myself in a ravine.
where, like a stream,

I must fill each ragged hole
so I can move on.

I have no map
only the I Ching

to withstand the delusions,
I throw my wheat pennies

calculate my mortal future
in broken or unbroken lines. ……….. feels like a mention of a hexagram wouldn’t go amiss here

the jagged walls of this path
have led to a meadow

where dragons have fought.
I step over the splashes

of yellow and black blood
to the shore of a lake

to where a mountain struggles
with Heaven and the question

of the next second.
I close the book.


Best, Knot


.

Hi Knot,

Thanks for your always incisive response.  I like what you did with it at the end. 

I'm not sure whether to bring the "specialist" angle back in.  I didn't decide to add the specialist part until I was trying to come up with an ending, the hardest part of writing a poem for me (next to a title!).  So it's felt tacked on since I did it.  I have to come up with more details for each step of the poem.  

TqB

[brynmawr1]

January Oracle

I throw my wheat pennies,     comma?
calculate my mortal future in broken
or unbroken lines.

I find myself in a ravine.
I must follow it to the end,
like a stream, filling each ragged hole
so I can move on.                   before?

I have no map
only the I Ching
to withstand the delusions,
the jagged walls of this path.

Beyond I traverse a meadow
where dragons have fought.
I step over the splashes
of yellow and black blood.

I close the book. I’m  left standing
on the shore of a lake,
before a mountain’s struggle with heaven,      under? or 'in the shadow' or something like that
and the question of the next second.            

Waiting to See the Specialist

Conversational zen
is what I need to get through
this ravine, enough magic
to follow it to the end
a stream, filling each ragged hole
so I can move on.

I have no map
only the I Ching
to withstand the delusions
the jagged walls of this path.

I throw my wheat pennies
calculate my mortal future in broken
or unbroken lines.

The Ching never fails me 
as I traverse a meadow
where dragons have fought.
I step over the splashes
of yellow and black blood

into a time of waiting
waiting for the approach of an end
and a way forward
past the merciless lights 
of the specialist’s eyes.

Hi TqB,
Started my suggestions this morning but couldn't finish til now.  Made some minor edits to your revision above.  I think overall both versions read well, but I wanted to echo my initial comments that I liked how the addition of 'the specialist' made it more poignant somehow providing good context.  I like both endings, esp the mountain image and the specialist's eyes.  regarding the ravine, I think trying to add a line to convey a maze like quality to the ravine might be helpful.
Good stuff,
bryn

---

January Oracle

I throw my wheat pennies,     comma?
calculate my mortal future in broken
or unbroken lines.

I find myself in a ravine.
I must follow it to the end,
like a stream, filling each ragged hole
so I can move on.                   before?

I have no map
only the I Ching
to withstand the delusions,
the jagged walls of this path.

Beyond I traverse a meadow
where dragons have fought.
I step over the splashes
of yellow and black blood.

I close the book. I’m  left standing
on the shore of a lake,
before a mountain’s struggle with heaven,      under? or 'in the shadow' or something like that
and the question of the next second.            

Waiting to See the Specialist

Conversational zen
is what I need to get through
this ravine, enough magic
to follow it to the end
a stream, filling each ragged hole
so I can move on.

I have no map
only the I Ching
to withstand the delusions
the jagged walls of this path.

I throw my wheat pennies
calculate my mortal future in broken
or unbroken lines.

The Ching never fails me 
as I traverse a meadow
where dragons have fought.
I step over the splashes
of yellow and black blood

into a time of waiting
waiting for the approach of an end
and a way forward
past the merciless lights 
of the specialist’s eyes.

Hi TqB,
Started my suggestions this morning but couldn't finish til now.  Made some minor edits to your revision above.  I think overall both versions read well, but I wanted to echo my initial comments that I liked how the addition of 'the specialist' made it more poignant somehow providing good context.  I like both endings, esp the mountain image and the specialist's eyes.  regarding the ravine, I think trying to add a line to convey a maze like quality to the ravine might be helpful.
Good stuff,
bryn

Addendum.  I like Knot's arrangement.   Ending with closing the book has a nice finality.  I think you can effectively merge the two, ie bring in the specialist and keep Knot's progression.  That's your homework!  Easier being the 'teacher' than the student.   When in doubt, listen to Knot!

[TranquillityBase]

Addendum.  I like Knot's arrangement.   Ending with closing the book has a nice finality.  I think you can effectively merge the two, ie bring in the specialist and keep Knot's progression.  That's your homework!  Easier being the 'teacher' than the student.   When in doubt, listen to Knot!

FYI, I am trying to work the specialist back in.  I agree about Knot's version.  Appreciate everybody's comments!

[TranquillityBase]

Thanks for all the critiques.  I've edited the poem and tried to make it all fit.

[Knot]

Hi Tim.

This feels a bit overwritten now, and your original “goal, to write about the experience of consulting the I Ching” seems to have fallen by the wayside (not least with the introduction of Catholic indulgences.) That said, the last four line work well.

Maybe you’d consider something like “I Ching in the Waiting Room” as a title? (Gives a context which you then don’t need to incorporate into the body of the poem.)


A December diagnosis
It’s strange, but I’m disappointed.

A two month interval
absorbing my mortality

has left me desiring nothing more
than the next question.

I throw my wheat pennies,
calculate my corporeal future ………… struggle with ‘calculate’ – it may be the right term, but it hits the wrong note, for me.

in the broken or unbroken
lines of a scribbled hexagram:

I find myself in a ravine. …………….. I think you need to unpack this a bit. I keep wondering if the ‘ravine’ is from an I Ching text, or your own personal metaphor.
I must follow it to the end,

filling the low places
until I can move on.

Beyond the ravine a meadow …….same problem as with ‘ravine’
where dragons have fought.

I step over the splashes
of yellow and black blood

to the shore of a lake
to where a mountain struggles

with Heaven, and the question
of the next second. …………… not sure how well the repeat of ‘question’ works, but losing the mountain’s struggle was too much!

I close the book and shuffle
into the nephrologist’s office.



Best, Knot


.

[TranquillityBase]

This feels a bit overwritten now, and your original “goal, to write about the experience of consulting the I Ching” seems to have fallen by the wayside (not least with the introduction of Catholic indulgences.) That said, the last four line work well.
I thought I did include and expand the "experience of consulting the I Ching"?  I was not thinking in any way about Catholicism, and I think you can use indulgence in the Catholic sense of buying off your punishment for sins in a non-religious context.  When you say "last four lines work well, is that in reference to my revison?

Maybe you’d consider something like “I Ching in the Waiting Room” as a title? (Gives a context which you then don’t need to incorporate into the body of the poem.)

Mmmmm, I'd prefer not.

A December diagnosis
It’s strange, but I’m disappointed.

A two month interval
absorbing my mortality

has left me desiring nothing more
than the next question.

I throw my wheat pennies,
calculate my corporeal future ………… struggle with ‘calculate’ – it may be the right term, but it hits the wrong note, for me.
                                                    what about "record"?

in the broken or unbroken
lines of a scribbled hexagram:

I find myself in a ravine. …………….. I think you need to unpack this a bit. I keep wondering if the ‘ravine’ is from an I Ching text, or your own personal metaphor.
I must follow it to the end,            

I will confess I lifted both the ravine metaphor and the dragons blood from the I Ching, I don't know if that counts as plagiarism, I'm not sure.  In some ways it feels like it, but I'm using them in completely different ways than the Ching does, and they are the heart of the poem for me.  So if it is, I might as well take this poem out and shoot it (sorry....been watching Deadwood).

filling the low places
until I can move on.

Beyond the ravine a meadow …….same problem as with ‘ravine’
where dragons have fought.

I step over the splashes
of yellow and black blood

to the shore of a lake
to where a mountain struggles

with Heaven, and the question
of the next second. …………… not sure how well the repeat of ‘question’ works, but losing the mountain’s struggle was too much!
                                           i'll try to work the mountain back in.

I close the book and shuffle
into the nephrologist’s office.

Hi again Knot,

Thanks for having a go at my revision.   A few notes above.  

TqB 

[brynmawr1]

This feels a bit overwritten now, and your original “goal, to write about the experience of consulting the I Ching” seems to have fallen by the wayside (not least with the introduction of Catholic indulgences.) That said, the last four line work well.
I thought I did include and expand the "experience of consulting the I Ching"?  I was not thinking in any way about Catholicism, and I think you can use indulgence in the Catholic sense of buying off your punishment for sins in a non-religious context.  When you say "last four lines work well, is that in reference to my revison?

Maybe you’d consider something like “I Ching in the Waiting Room” as a title? (Gives a context which you then don’t need to incorporate into the body of the poem.)

Mmmmm, I'd prefer not.

A December diagnosis
It’s strange, but I’m disappointed.

A two month interval
absorbing my mortality

has left me desiring nothing more
than the next question.

I throw my wheat pennies,
calculate my corporeal future ………… struggle with ‘calculate’ – it may be the right term, but it hits the wrong note, for me.
                                                    what about "record"?

in the broken or unbroken
lines of a scribbled hexagram:

I find myself in a ravine. …………….. I think you need to unpack this a bit. I keep wondering if the ‘ravine’ is from an I Ching text, or your own personal metaphor.
I must follow it to the end,            

I will confess I lifted both the ravine metaphor and the dragons blood from the I Ching, I don't know if that counts as plagiarism, I'm not sure.  In some ways it feels like it, but I'm using them in completely different ways than the Ching does, and they are the heart of the poem for me.  So if it is, I might as well take this poem out and shoot it (sorry....been watching Deadwood).

filling the low places
until I can move on.

Beyond the ravine a meadow …….same problem as with ‘ravine’
where dragons have fought.

I step over the splashes
of yellow and black blood

to the shore of a lake
to where a mountain struggles

with Heaven, and the question
of the next second. …………… not sure how well the repeat of ‘question’ works, but losing the mountain’s struggle was too much!
                                           i'll try to work the mountain back in.

I close the book and shuffle
into the nephrologist’s office.

Hi again Knot,

Thanks for having a go at my revision.   A few notes above.  

TqB 

for what it's worth, I don't think it's plagiarism to use ideas in new ways, even if the words are the same.  For me the ravine metaphor works well for your personal journey.  The meadow is a little harder to parse but I read a lot of poems and rarely understand all of what is written.  Even the best poem is not going to be read the same by all people.  How about 'devine' instead of calculate or record?
Please don't shoot the poem.  It's messy, and cliche for a Texan.
bryn

[Knot]

Hi TqB

I thought I did include and expand the "experience of consulting the I Ching"?
To me it felt like you expanded the circumstances of ‘why’ but not the experience itself.

Mmmmm, I'd prefer not.
Fair enough, but having January evokes New Year’s resolutions and such like.

what about "record"?
I don’t think so (you’re not actually recording are you? Perhaps a little bit about the mechanics of using the I Ching here, for those that don’t know?)

I toss wheat pennies,
for my corporeal future

search in the broken
or unbroken lines

…


I will confess I lifted both the ravine metaphor and the dragons blood from the I Ching,
So I assumed
I don't know if that counts as plagiarism, I'm not sure.
Wouldn’t have thought so.
In some ways it feels like it, but I'm using them in completely different ways than the Ching does, and they are the heart of the poem for me.
Yes, the difficulty I had is that, not knowing the I Ching, this is lost on me. Is there some way to make it a bit clearer that there are N’s metaphors/interpretations, not simply quotations?
So if it is, I might as well take this poem out and shoot it (sorry....been watching Deadwood).
I agree with bryn on this one. Put down the gun and get back to the poem.


Best, Knot.

[busker]

I was wondering where the original poem went

The rewritten one is a completely different poem, and not knowing much about the I Ching I don’t get it

I interpreted the original as the specialist giving a prognosis. Merciless eyes fit well.
The I Ching was just to while away the time while waiting, a distraction
The dragons fighting - all the other details being distractions. Or a memory of some Cretaceous valley.

I don’t know what to make of the new one

[TranquillityBase]

I was wondering where the original poem went

The rewritten one is a completely different poem, and not knowing much about the I Ching I don’t get it

I interpreted the original as the specialist giving a prognosis. Merciless eyes fit well.
The I Ching was just to while away the time while waiting, a distraction
The dragons fighting - all the other details being distractions. Or a memory of some Cretaceous valley.

I don’t know what to make of the new one

Part of the problem is the "specialist" part is now so far in my rear view mirror, but, yes, it ls a new poem, and a failure, because it's like quoting parables with no context.  I'll have to let my mind come round to wanting to think about the specialist again.

[rowens]

I throw the wheat pennies,
record the broken & unbroken lines
of the hexagrams:

A ravine.
I must follow it
like a stream, navigating rocky outcroppings
& filling the low places
until I can move on.                     this line is nice in how it implies bumpiness in the sound as it's read

Beyond the ravine, a meadow
where dragons have fought,
I step over the splashes
of yellow & black blood.

I stand on the shore of a lake,       when you start a sentence with "I" in a later stanza of a poem, you're making a full stop statement. The I announces itself!
before me, in a cloudless sky,
a mountain reaches to heaven,
& to judgement.                             the last line is a refiguration of the divination, a play of that