Being Nemesis (old thread)

[dukealien]

Being Nemesis (FPV)


Tankists must despise and fear
drone-pilots lurking, never near,
far more than their ancestral knights
had need to dread an archer’s flights
of puny arrows: sword and spear
could stoop and slay from armored gear.

But now game console driven drones
fly pitiless, torch buttoned bones
of tank crew members, turrets popped
by top-attacking missiles dropped
against invaders.  Users must
lie low to kill: their cause is just.

Then Nemesis divides to leave
drone-victims for both sides to grieve.

[TranquillityBase]

Being Nemesis (FPV)


Tankists must despise and fear          
drone-pilots lurking, never near,
far more than their ancestral knights     
had need to dread an archer’s flights
of puny arrows: sword and spear
could stoop and slay from armored gear.

But now game console driven drones
fly pitiless, torch buttoned bones
of tank crew members, turrets popped      
by top-attacking missiles dropped
against invaders.  Users must
lie low to kill: their cause is just.

Then Nemesis divides to leave
drone-victims for both sides to grieve.

This is a very interesting subject and I like what you've done, but feel like the effort to produce the rhymes gets in the way of a much more direct and more vivid rendering.  Like your poem Eye of Ajax. https://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-23888.html

Admittedly, I've never been a fan of rhyme.  So take my comment with that in mind.

TqB

Maybe if the lines were a bit longer, and the rhymes didn't come so quick........

[Knot]

Hi duke,

That opening couplet is the main problem for me, syntactically (never near) and semantically (lurking.) Can one lurk far away?

L1, surely A/the Tankist ...?

L5, puny evokes the Incredible Hulk, for me. A wrong note?

L7, Should driven not be controlled (given console?)

L8, buttoned following game console gives one pause, as does torch as a verb.

L11, invaders are you picking a side here?

L14, I think you could find something stronger, more graphic even, than drone-victims.

Best, Knot

.

[dukealien]

Thanks to both critics!  Frankly, an idea came with the title and when I returned later to write the poem it just got lost.  I don't want to repeat "Eye of Ajax," but  have to agree a similar format (or lack thereof) will be a better fit.  What's worth saving?  Not the knights.  Terrorized tankers (ambiguous, so I used the more Russian "tankist"), and the guy with the death-eye.  Except the other side can buy drones, too.  "I'll be back," as that other Nemesis said...

[TranquillityBase]

Being Nemesis (FPV)


Tankists must despise and fear          "Tankist" bugs me.  "Crewmen"?
drone-pilots lurking, never near,
far more than their ancestral knights     
had need to dread an archer’s flights
of puny arrows: sword and spear                I don't think they were that puny and could pierce armor
could stoop and slay from armored gear.       really like this image

But now game console driven drones
fly pitiless, torch buttoned bones                    this sounds comic to me, anything better?
of tank crew members, turrets popped      
by top-attacking missiles dropped
against invaders.  Users must
lie low to kill: their cause is just.           ?

Then Nemesis divides to leave
drone-victims for both sides to grieve.       This seemed only a drone vs armor battle, why would drone pilots experience casulties.

This is a very interesting subject and I like what you've done, but feel like the effort to produce the rhymes gets in the way of a much more direct and more vivid rendering.  Like your poem Eye of Ajax. https://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-23888.html

Admittedly, I've never been a fan of rhyme.  So take my comment with that in mind.

TqB

Maybe if the lines were a bit longer, and the rhymes didn't come so quick........

OK, I'm recanting.  I read it aloud and that made all the difference.  Just my knee jerk reaction to intensive rhyming.

I did add a few notes for words or phrases.

---

Thanks to both critics!  Frankly, an idea came with the title and when I returned later to write the poem it just got lost.  I don't want to repeat "Eye of Ajax," but  have to agree a similar format (or lack thereof) will be a better fit.  What's worth saving?  Not the knights.  Terrorized tankers (ambiguous, so I used the more Russian "tankist"), and the guy with the death-eye.  Except the other side can buy drones, too.  "I'll be back," as that other Nemesis said...

I'll leave to you what's worth saving.  Just wanted to say it in no way repeats "Eye of Ajax" which deserves a spotlight; it's a whole different narrative.

[dukealien]

Since the revision amounts to removing the nameplate and driving another car under it, it's in a new thread, https://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-25568.html .

Good critique shows the way!