Death-eyed I fly
unseen not because
they never look up...
no, I’m just not there. great opening, fight to the death if someone picks on "death-eyed"
My point of presence strikes
destroying huddled tons
of tanks and foxholes full
of cringing crying
smoking men like the rhythm, the pause after first stanza, then this almost breathless plunging into powerful imagery.
with tap of screen now back to the cool voice behind the drone
touch of joystick
my home-grown terror-wraith would it be unwriterly to say "homegrown" so there's only one hyphen, the great "terror-wraith"
savors and executes
justice on invaders. I savor this stanza
All from hidden safety...
relatively speaking.
I fear only other
patriotic drone-controllers can you think of an epithet like "my point of prescence" or "death-eyed" for the opponent? "patriotic drone controllers" is dull.
hunting me
for native justice mirror-spawns
avengers. at first this stanza felt like a letdown, until those incredible last two lines, not sure if that's a serious isssue or not.
Hi duke,
some strong lines, but doesn't feel quite coherent ... yet.
Did wonder if sticking with the original title works, also whether FPS (First Person Shooter) might be worth considering? Alternatively
point of presence
unseen not because they never look up... no, I’m just not there.
touch of joystick tap of screen death-eyed I fly
(For me the rest had a touch too much melodrama though I could see a version of 'I fear only' might fit between these two.)
Death-eyed I fly
unseen not because
they never look up...
no, I’m just not there.
My point of presence strikes
destroying huddled tons
of tanks and foxholes full
of cringing crying
smoking men
with tap of screen
touch of joystick
my homegrown terror-wraith
savors and executes
justice on invaders.
All from hidden safety...
relatively speaking.
I fear only other
patriotic fire-weavers
hunting me
for native justice mirror-spawns
avengers.
Small revision after @TqB's suggestions. Considering @Knot's simplifications.
Can't take full credit for "fire-weavers." FireWeaver is the name of an Israeli-developed network system which (for example) allows a distant battery or helicopter to take out a hostile hidden drone-pilot discovered by some other means.
Death-eyed I fly
unseen not because I would consider moving "unseen" up to the end of the first line here to potentially improve the flow.
they never look up...
no, I’m just not there.
My point of presence strikes I appreciate the alliteration here in this first line but "point of presence" seems awkward to me for some reason.
destroying huddled tons I think that expanding on that idea a little more or swapping it out the "presence" for a different word
of tanks and foxholes full
of cringing crying
smoking men Great imagery here in this stanza. The use of cringing and crying really helps us to picture their fear.
with tap of screen
touch of joystick
my homegrown terror-wraith
savors and executes Great use of personification here, the drone "savors" delivering justice, well done.
justice on invaders.
All from hidden safety...
relatively speaking. I would like to see a little more clarification perhaps in this final stanza in regards to what exactly is hunting you. Maybe use
I fear only other some imagery in order to draw parallels between the fear that you feel and the fear that was mentioned earlier among the men in
patriotic fire-weavers their foxholes.
hunting me
for native justice mirror-spawns
avengers.
Non-practicing atheist
