Finding the Surface

[CircleWalker]

Another stanza emerged (#5), and this now feels complete to me. 

In this process, 3 new stanzas have been added (plus a new title), 

and thus it has outgrown the short form poetry forum. 

If a moderator chooses to move this somewhere else, that's cool.

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Finding the Surface
 
Lost, broken, drowning
Voiceless, invisible
Empty
I came to you
 
Secrets spilled
Shame released
Tears shed
Pain endured
 
Fears faced
Dreams dreamt
Burdens lifted
Shoulders squared
 
Taught to breathe
To hear the God within
To trust
To hope
 
Wounds turn to scars
Anger to peace
Regret to presence
Confusion to clarity
 
Curtains pulled
Worlds walked
Music heard
Beauty unveiled
 
Guide needed
God sent
Heart opened
Voice found
 
Forever grateful

---------------------------

Finding the Surface

Lost, broken, drowning
Voiceless, invisible
Empty
I came to you
 
Secrets spilled
Shame released
Tears shed
Pain endured
 
Fears faced
Dreams dreamt
Burdens lifted
Shoulders squared
 
Taught to breathe
To hear the God within
To trust
To hope
 
Curtains pulled
Worlds walked
Music heard
Beauty unveiled
 
Guide needed
God sent
Heart opened
Voice found
 
Forever grateful

----------------------------

The new version above has a new title, plus stanzas 3 and 5 have been added.

-

Note: The original version is a private poem/letter that was actually written to a person (a Jungian analyst/psychologist). This is why it says, I came to you. And this is why it has a closing ... Forever grateful. It describes the journey that we have/are walking together, a healing journey, a journey of becoming. The new title, Finding the Surface, ties in directly with one word in particular, and loosely with at least 3 other words. I wrote this poem without purposefully using any particular poetic devices, being that this was only the 2nd poem that I have written as an adult. However, my own analysis seems to indicate that I have used ... alliteration ... consonance ... the rule of 3, and the only line longer than 4 words is iambic, I believe. Clearly, one doesn't have to know and understand poetic devices in order to use them. The added stanzas accurately reflect portions of the journey as it has continued since the original version was written.
-

(Original version)

Forever Grateful

Lost, broken, drowning

Voiceless, invisible

Empty

I came to you

 

Secrets spilled

Shame released

Tears shed

Pain endured

 

Taught to breathe

To hear the God within

To trust

To hope

 

Guide needed

God sent

Heart opened

Voice found

 

Forever grateful

[Semicircle]

Lost, broken, drowning

Voiceless, invisible                   Voiceless has potential.

Empty 

I came to you

 

Secrets spilled                            These two lines are good

Shame released

Tears shed

Pain endured

 

Taught to breathe                      

To hear the God within

To trust

To hope

 

Guide needed                     The ending feels anticlimactic.

God sent

Heart opened

Voice found

 

Forever grateful.               Sounds cliche to my ears.

Someone who was once silent was taught to speak their mind. Having more of a laser focus on that aspect of the poem would allow the story to feel more connected. 

The poem, for me, is in these lines:

Voiceless
I came to you

secrets spilled
shame released

Voice found   ....(this needs more depth)

In my opinion, a lot of lines do not hold a solid direction, and can be trimmed. 

.........

Hope I could help! Thanks for posting.
SC

[brynmawr1]

Lost, broken, drowning

Voiceless, invisible   I agree 'voiceless' is the power word here.  All the others are implied.

Empty

I came to you

 

Secrets spilled

Shame released

Tears shed

Pain endured

 

Taught to breathe     breathless?

To hear the God within  why dilute it?  maybe use 'you' as you did in S1.  consider making this the last line.

To trust

To hope

e.g.

breathless  (there is supposed to be a space between here and the next line but....technology)

to trust

to hope

to hear you

 

Guide needed    the rest can be cut, IMO

God sent

Heart opened

Voice found

 

Forever grateful

Hey CW,
I agree with Semi but added my own take.  Pretty much an atheist, but get where you are going.  I think there is more you could do here as it is all very on the nose.  The title adds so no need for the ending lines, again IMO.
Good work,
bryn

[TranquillityBase]

Lost, broken, drowning

Voiceless, invisible

Empty

I came to you

 

Secrets spilled

Shame released

Tears shed

Pain endured

 

Taught to breathe

To hear the God within

To trust

To hope

 

Guide needed

God sent

Heart opened

Voice found

 

Forever grateful

Hello CW,

I've little to suggest except cutting the two lines marked above.  It doesn't seem to me that the speaker is looking for trust or hope, but vision and the ability to express that vision.  I'd agree with others, you son't need to repeat the title at the end.  If that line is important to you, maybe give it a different title.

I like the clipped nature of the lines, mostly.  A couple are awkward, particularly "Guide needed/God sent", but otherwise they work for me.

TqB

[CircleWalker]

I want to thank all of you (semi, bryn, tranq) for your critiques and your comments. Thanks for taking the time to read and exam my poem.

I apologize for taking so long to respond.

I have been inspired by your thoughts to do a deeper dive into my poem ... why I chose the words that I did ... their meanings ... their sounds ... their order? And doing this requires that I do, as well, a deeper dive into poetry as an art form (style, techniques, devices, etc.)

I never dreamed that I would develop an interest in poetry on this level. Yet I have, to my great surprise. Generally, I write in what I would call creative bursts. These bursts usually emerge from my ponderings on something deeply (sometimes for days, or longer), but often (though not always) without any intention of writing a poem or anything at all. They can simply be mechanisms that my unconscious uses to teach or inform or clarify an idea or experience to me. Additionally, my editing primarily comes from reading them aloud over and over again seeking rhythm and flow. Do the words sound right to my ears ... do the words, particularly the transition from one word to the next, feel right in my mouth (lips, tongue) as I pronounce them.

My poems are primarily intended to be read aloud. Each has, so far, become a part of my walking meditations. As such, I memorize them and they become imprinted in me. I have altered or added to some of them years later after having recited them hundreds and hundreds of times. A new line or a better word or phrase will suddenly burst forth seemingly out of nowhere.

I'm not sure to what degree, if any, I will alter this poem. But I am grateful for your input. My deep dive is not due to a need to "defend" my poem, rather it represents a desire for it to say what I want to say as best I can with my style (which is evolving of course).

I do know that my poem needs a new title. I have one in mind, but will save it for a follow-up.

Blessings

[Wjames]

Lost, broken, drowning

Voiceless, invisible

Empty 

I came to you 

I like this opening, but I would remove all of the commas you have, and put one after empty. The commas make me pause unnecessarily imo. I think without them, it's smoother to read, and it sort of becomes a bit surreal which I like.

Secrets spilled

Shame released

Tears shed

Pain endured 

 

Taught to breathe

To hear the God within

To trust

To hope

 

Guide needed

God sent

Heart opened

Voice found 

 

Forever grateful

I think it could be stronger if you went in to a few of the things that were provided in more depth, showing something tangible occuring (even if they happened internally, you can represent it in a way you can taste touch smell see hear). 

I think it communicates a message pretty cleanly, though.

[CircleWalker]

Lost, broken, drowning

Voiceless, invisible

Empty 

I came to you 

I like this opening, but I would remove all of the commas you have, and put one after empty. The commas make me pause unnecessarily imo. I think without them, it's smoother to read, and it sort of becomes a bit surreal which I like.

Secrets spilled

Shame released

Tears shed

Pain endured 

 

Taught to breathe

To hear the God within

To trust

To hope

 

Guide needed

God sent

Heart opened

Voice found 

 

Forever grateful

I think it could be stronger if you went in to a few of the things that were provided in more depth, showing something tangible occuring (even if they happened internally, you can represent it in a way you can taste touch smell see hear). 

I think it communicates a message pretty cleanly, though.

Wjames, thanks for the input and kind words.

I can understand why you suggested taking out those commas, but that is just not my style. Also, part of me thinks that each of those words needs the emphasis that the commas cause ... somewhat forcing the reader to understand both the individual emotion that each represents as well as the magnitude and weight that all of them together add up to. These 6 adjectives represent the state of being that the writer was in when he came to this person. I believe that any flow that is sacrificed by listing these 6 emotional states (which are really 2 lists using the rule of 3), is worth it in order to truly reflect where the writer was psychologically when this journey began.

Also, currently I never put punctuation at the end of lines. Lines are really meaningful to me. I, so far, do not write in run-on phrases, and intend for the end of a line to be punctuation itself. Plus it prevents me from having to decided if I should use a period, comma, semi-colon, etc.etc.

Thanks for suggesting that I add more to the inner workings of the journey that this poem represents. As a result, I have added 2 stanzas (#3 and #5). I think they help to complete the story of the interactions between these 2 people and the healing/results that have flowed forward.

Finally, I have changed the title to the poem, and will post that revision soon.

[CircleWalker]

I just want to say that I hope the new title and additional stanzas bring some clarity.

The story/journey that I have attempted to convey is much, much more than just someone finding their voice. Being voiceless (and invisible and empty) were symptoms of deep wounds and heavy burdens (indicated by being lost, broken, drowning). The voice that has "been found" is evidence of the healing that has occurred, rather than being the objective. This poem itself is evidence of that voice.

Finally, learning to trust and to hope were important aspects of that healing.

Thanks to all who have commented, and to all who have read my poem. As it now stands, this poem feels complete.

[CircleWalker]

bump for new stanza ...

[crow]

This poem describes a path to virtue. I think it wants to be a psalm. For reference, consider Dan Beachy-Quick https://www.wbez.org/2007/03/01/poem-pre...achy-quick. His reading starts like 20 minutes in.

[CircleWalker]

This poem describes a path to virtue. I think it wants to be a psalm. For reference, consider Dan Beachy-Quick https://www.wbez.org/2007/03/01/poem-pre...achy-quick. His reading starts like 20 minutes in.

Crow,

Thank you for those insights. Both resonate with me.

And thanks for the link. I finally got a chance to listen and it was truly interesting. It gave me some things to ponder on.

[crow]

Trying to edit a former posts.