"Letter to Natalie" (Self-Harm, Suicide, Language)

[alexhenning]

Letter to Natalie

Natalie, you were my drug
When we were together I felt high
But now I can't live
You've all but ruined my life

I bet you didn't think
That rolling up my sleeve
Would show you my demons
And make you want to leave

You tore down my walls
Like a hot knife through butter
But now you don't want me
Since you saw I'm a cutter

I wanted to love you
To make you my wife
When you lied through your teeth
I fell in love with the knife

And if you wanted me back
I'd cast aside my doubts
So I could get close enough
To rip your fucking heart out

I hope you look back one day
And realize what you did
That you gave me nothing
But broken promises

My hearts been passed around
Like a stripper at a fraternity
So If heartbreak was a drug
I'd be high for all eternity

I just can't stop crying
Or get you out of my head
So I think I'll save my tears
And just drown myself instead

What a beautiful scene
I can hear the waves roar
With you still in my arms
As our bodies wash ashore

I can't wait to see your face
When you realize that you're dead
As we're fucking at our funerals
With matching halos overhead

[CRNDLSM]

Separating the art from the artist: the dark and depressing themes aren't enhanced by the rhymes and slant rhymes. Like an adult writing like a kid.  The rhymes could be okay if the meter flowed better.  I'm also of the school that less is more and you could probably cut a whole stanza without losing anything.  I'm not a fan of the violence, it gives me serial killer/shopping mall shooter vibes and I don't empathize.  Finally I was confused how both your bodies wash up on shore if you only drowned yourself.   

Take care

[armadillosarecool]

Alex,

I agree with the previous poster about the rhymes. They add a sing-song effect that is frankly inappropriate for the subject matter. Speaking of subject matter, it feels a bit icky honestly. It makes me uncomfortable, though not necessarily in a thought-provoking or mind-expanding way. Great poetry comes from pain, but I think the pain was channeled incorrectly here. I don't think that most readers are going to be interested in a violent/perverted approach to dealing with trauma like this. I also agreed with CRNDLSM that it's too long, a couple stanzas (second, fourth, etc) feel like filler. This poem would also be better without the last stanza, that's where the speaker really loses me. 

Best, 
aac

[Pjames]

I'm new here. What strikes me about the poem isn't anything technical. What I hear is the voice of an angry man blaming a woman for all his problems, and then ending the poem with fantasies of murder. If you really believe what you have written, then you need to mature as a person and stop blaming other people for your problems. We all want to be loved; but if we are filled with hate, it doesn't always come. You come across as a misogynist and a predator in this poem. God help the women who get involved with you.

[Tiger the Lion]

I'm new here.  What strikes me about the poem isn't anything technical.  What I hear is the voice of an angry man blaming a woman for all his problems, and then ending the poem with fantasies of murder.  If you really believe what you have written, then you need to mature as a person and stop blaming other people for your problems.  We all want to be loved; but if we are filled with hate, it doesn't always come.  You come across as a misogynist and a predator in this poem.  God help the women who get involved with you.

Hello Pjames and welcome to the site. Thank you for your participation so far. Just a reminder that the writer and the narrator are not always the same thing. While your response is natural, it may very well be aimed at a fictional character. I'd be locked up if the authorities believed my narrators.

[CRNDLSM]

Just a suggestion since I already commented on the poem, maybe the title is too real and personal for the subject matter, perhaps something like '4chan manifesto' could make it both real and satire at the same time