The Dragon’s Dog — The Drake

[crow]

The Dragon’s Dog:
The Drake

The dragon learned to lamp bodies black,
to raisin blood in arteries, to make fire
burn the stink from skulls through popped-out eyes.
Turn churches red. Mink children hot with ash.
Inhaling, quiet, the devil heard a crash
where plates from a dining room where rubble, sliding
toward a pit stalled, and a puppy’s eyes
beheld the drake. And she standed on her back

legs and shook a little as she cried.
He tried to fly away all night. But the puppy.
He burned his favorite cities down, but the puppy 
just kept crying, oooooo, and he sang back, ooooooo.
And she was so cute. He fed her and lied
about the world, about cruelty.

[crow]

I think I must have the record for most zero-responses posts. I spent maybe 35 hours on this. That’s not much for a sonnet, but still. I’m at a wall where I can’t make it better. Should I repost in serious? Is it such crap that I need to restart it?

[Quixilated]

Rule #: “4. Don't bump or double post (you may bump a post if you have no replies after a week or so)"

It has only been two days since you posted the poem.  Be patient.  Give it time.  Please don’t bump your poem if it has been less than a week. 

Also, personal observation, this poem has almost exactly the same title as another poem you posted that did receive lots of feedback.  The title is so similar that I almost deleted it when you first posted because I thought you were posting the same poem again.  Perhaps others are seeing the title and assuming it is the poem they have already commented on?  Maybe if you put "The Drake" first and then leave off “The Dragon's Dog" in the feed hook, they will be able to see at one glance to the feed that it is a different poem.  Then when they click into it, they will see the double title and know the connection.  

--Quix

[CRNDLSM]

The Dragon’s Dog:
The Drake

The dragon learned to lamp bodies black, lamp as a verb is awkward 
to raisin blood in arteries, to make fire I'd apostrophe raisin' because of lamp
burn the stink from skulls through popped-out eyes.  Nice
Turn churches red. Mink children hot with ash.
Inhaling, quiet, the devil heard a crash 
where plates from a dining room where rubble, sliding where rubble trips me up because where plates 
toward a pit stalled, and a puppy’s eyes
beheld the drake. And she standed on her back nnot a fan of standed

legs and shook a little as she cried. Or the following and
He tried to fly away all night. But the puppy.
He burned his favorite cities down, but the puppy it's breaking down here towards the end, like a different narrator almost, almost mocking
just kept crying, oooooo, and he sang back, ooooooo.
And she was so cute. He fed her and lied  too many conjunctions perhaps
about the world, about cruelty.  I like the last sentence

I understand separting parts of a series but the title did throw me off, thansk for sharing

[crow]

Quix—thanks. That’s a good tip.

[busker]

U

The Dragon’s Dog:
The Drake

The dragon learned to lamp bodies black,
to raisin blood in arteries, to make fire … do you need the third  “to” ?
burn the stink from skulls through popped-out eyes. … great line 
Turn churches red. Mink children hot with ash. … snothrr great line 
Inhaling, quiet, the devil heard a crash
where plates from a dining room where rubble, sliding
toward a pit stalled, and a puppy’s eyes … all the extra detail about the plates is a  distraction IMO
beheld the drake. And she standed on her back … nice expression 

legs and shook a little as she cried.
He tried to fly away all night. But the puppy.
He burned his favorite cities down, but the puppy 
just kept crying, oooooo, and he sang back, ooooooo.
And she was so cute. He fed her and lied
about the world, about cruelty.  … beautiful and unexpected 

The poem is full of interesting turns of phrase and original expressions. Even the invented words work
The story holds interest till the end and the conclusion has a satisfying payoff 
A good one