For my son

[jonvandalen]

In this life,
in which the dancing 
slows all 
too soon. 

No one
can really ever say
where
you need
to go. 

No one ever
need 
remind you 
that you walk
under the moon’s uninterested
shadow. 

It may be
the empty night will beckon you
to that place 
where, alone
you will one day walk 

in a somehow joyful grief,
alone and not, 
lost and being found
in a dark river of warm silence. 


———

Original:

In this life
in which the dancing slows all 
too soon

You will walk
under the white chalk of 
the moon

You will see
the darkness there, mingled with 
the light

And you will know
that what you already have, close in
is what’s right

[busker]

In this life
in which the dancing slows all 
too soon

You will walk
under the white chalk of 
the moon …. The soon/moon rhyme is a difficult one, from overuse. It can still be employed judiciously, but not as in this instance. The metaphor of life as a dance in S1 is replaced with a different metaphor of life as a walk in S2. It comes across as disjointed stanzas linked only by a forced rhyme. Also, you don’t walk under chalk. It should be “in the white chalk of”. The walk / chalk rhyme that you’re going for is neither good nor bad 

You will see
the darkness there, mingled with 
the light….. In the “white chalk” like light of the moon you will see darkness mingled with light…that’s about as bland a statement that you can make. It comes across as reaching for a profundity that’s not there 

And you will know
that what you already have, close in
is what’s right ….. there’s a logical fallacy here. Distant things are harder to see in the moonlight…so they’re wrong, and proximate things that you can see more clearly are what’s right? Why? Why is the moon a metaphor for the light of truth? Nothing in the poem supports that assumption 

---

It’s not a bad poem, but it would do well with more clarity

[jonvandalen]

Thank you. You have a way of highlighting once again my own internal doubts that were there while writing. It tells me I should not ignore them thinking “it’s fine enough” I suppose that’s a positive thing that they somewhat line up.

[Miley]

In this life
in which the dancing slows all 
too soon

You will walk
under the white chalk of 
the moon

You will see
the darkness there, mingled with 
the light

And you will know
that what you already have, close in
is what’s right

Reminds me a bit of this short Emily Dickinson poem https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/5...-hour-1292
Otherwise I made some suggestions for some cuts, I think you probably have a certain meter in mind that these small cuts would disturb, but I just put them through things that I felt were unnecessary or cumbersome. 

My favorite line is "under the white chalk of" because I think this chalky description of the moon is evocative. I think you could try to be more specific, a good bit of poem reads as cliched 2 me. The dichotomy of darkness/light for example. In the last two stanzas, for example, maybe an image that mingles darkness with light (the moon thing beings to do this but maybe there is something more.. idiosyncratic?)  and perhaps the last stanza would be more interesting shown as opposed to told. As in, if you could make the reader think/feel the sentiment of the last stanza through a poetic observation or image?  I think the sentiment of the poem is sweet, especially with the title.

Just my 2 cents! Thnx for sharing/

[Bunx]

Jon welcome to pigpen. I don't have much to say besides the fact.
I keep reading the poem, relating to every line.
Chalk for example can mean
Education
Or art
Or both.

Hope your son loves this poem as much as I do

[jonvandalen]

Thank you all for feedback. I have posted a revision.

[Tiger the Lion]

Thank you all for feedback. I have posted a revision.

In this life,
the dancing 
slows all 
too soon. 

You don't need "in which." "This" already does the job, plus it reads smoother without.

[CircleWalker]

In this life,
in which the dancing 
slows all 
too soon. 

No one
can really ever say
where
you need
to go. 

No one ever
need 
remind you 
that you walk
under the moon’s uninterested
shadow. 

It may be
the empty night will beckon you
to that place 
where, alone
you will one day walk 

in a somehow joyful grief,
alone and not, 
lost and being found
in a dark river of warm silence. 


———

Original:

In this life
in which the dancing slows all 
too soon

You will walk
under the white chalk of 
the moon

You will see
the darkness there, mingled with 
the light

And you will know
that what you already have, close in
is what’s right

Welcome to the group. I too am a newbie.

(Note: my comments are based upon your 2nd version.)

Of course everything that I am going to say is my opinion, and that doesn't make it right or wrong. Almost everyone on here is more adept at poetry than me, but we still all have our own opinions, our own tastes, our own styles.

I write poetry first for myself, and then for the audience. I learn something when I write ... about myself ... about the world (or worlds) and my walk in it ... about the audience.

How wonderful that you are writing a poem to/for your son. That is a beautiful thing to do, and he will be blessed by it. Today perhaps. In the future, undoubtedly, for you are leaving him a piece of yourself with this.

I believe that "unnecessary or redundant" words or phrases can be useful at times, for they may add rhythm or flow. As such, I really like your opening stanza. I really like the flow, the rhythm, and the meaning of it.

In the 2nd and 3rd stanzas, I love your repetition of the words No one, ever, need, and you. Not forcing them to be consecutive, but yet they are connected it seems to me.

In general, I really like your line and stanza breaks of your 2nd version. They make your poem easier for me to read. They make me pause, and almost reflect at key moments.

Finally, I really like your phrases a joyful grief, and a dark river of warm silence. I have no idea whether or not they have been used by others in the past, but I find them compelling and meaningful.

All in all, I really like your 2nd version.

[BurningSh#t]

The title gives the only clarity in the poem. It has a sad dark undertone. A father trying to impart wisdom to a son leaving the nest. I’m confused if and or when “you” speak to your son, about your son or yourself. But that only matters because of the title. A title not referring to your son would not require the clarification that makes me so curious. Without the title you create more curiosity and no need to clarify. Does that make sense? ? if poetry was all about killing more cats then the more curiosity the better. Your title is like an fyi.

Great work. I enjoyed thinking on it.