Mr. Travis

[Mark A Becker]

Mr. Travis

My older brother’s 8th grade teacher
began dropping by for dinner every Sunday
during summer break. He had no wife or kids

and my parents must have thought
he looked needy. He always wore the same
rumpled pants, and short sleeved white shirt.

Since he was a teacher they thought he'd be
a good influence on us 6 boys, especially
since he didn’t joke around too much.

He even helped with swimming lessons
though that seemed to make him nervous.
My dad must have noticed something one day

after swimming when we were changing
into our clothes. I remember being a bit puzzled
when Mr. Travis suddenly stopped coming by.

[dukealien]

Mr. Travis

My older brother’s 8th grade teacher
began dropping by for dinner every Sunday
during summer break. He had no wife or kids

and my parents must have thought
he looked needy. He always wore the same
rumpled pants, and short sleeved white shirt.  The clothing detail is interesting but not, perhaps, relevant except to explain why the speaker's parents thought the teacher needy.  A little beard or haircut might serve as well?

Since he was a teacher they thought he'd be
a good influence on us 6 boys, especially
since he didn’t joke around too much.  Again, this speaks to the upcoming nervousness.  Could be more direct (he was very quiet, averted gaze) but on the whole the indirection works well here.

He even helped with swimming lessons
though that seemed to make him nervous.
My dad must have noticed something one day  very nice hanging line ending here - suspense, as it were

after swimming when we were changing
into our clothes. I remember being a bit puzzled
when Mr. Travis suddenly stopped coming by.

The power of implication and inference!

In moderate critique, I have little to add.  The blank verse hangs on the edge of being mere prose with typographic organization, but doesn't fall off.  Quite subtle.

And the poem ends at just the right point:  no complaints to the school, rumors, etc., just a properly enforced preference.

Very good.

[Mark A Becker]

Hello duke-

Thanks for taking the time to offer your critique. Mr. Travis was a real person, yet a clumsy, wanna-be child predator. None of us got molested, but that's probably because our dad caught on pretty quickly. Back in the '60's no one talked about this kind of thing. All I remember was that Mr. Travis abruptly quit coming by.

It's good to see you around, as it seems the Pen went very quiet after we lost Tim, aka TqB- collective grief I suppose. Tim was very good at participating in our shared experience here. Still, we move on, as we must.

Hope all is well on your end of the thread,
Mark

[dukealien]

Hello duke-

Thanks for taking the time to offer your critique.  Mr. Travis was a real person, yet a clumsy, wanna-be child predator.  None of us got molested, but that's probably because our dad caught on pretty quickly.  Back in the '60's no one talked about this kind of thing.  All I remember was that Mr. Travis abruptly quit coming by. 

It's good to see you around, as it seems the Pen went very quiet after we lost Tim, aka TqB- collective grief I suppose. Tim was very good at participating in our shared experience here. Still, we move on, as we must.

Hope all is well on your end of the thread,
Mark

Well enough, too many hobbies to give poetry the attention it needs.

What your dad noticed was "short eyes," as men in various institutional settings were wont to call it.

[Funkeldunks]

The details are attractive. Though the presentation feels a bit disjointed. His lack of family seems important and maybe should get its own verse to explain why? I feel the “and” at the beginning of the second verse isn’t needed. It’s a solid statement on its own. The 4th verse could do without the “even”. Since there is no mention of other actions or help from the teacher. I get the point of the last statement, but It doesn’t show that he disappeared while you were changing. The implication is that you noticed only later that he stopped showing up. The while we were changing implies an immediacy.
This is a heavy piece of work. It hits close to home for me.