Bonfire 0f Greed

[Shahzareth]

BONFIRE OF GREED 

My greed is a bonfire
Sustained by my mention of you.
As I lay by the fire every night, hear it crackle
at your very name,Sizzle at every
detail.
And I carry inside me a lamp containing
the very flame that Crumbles when it sees you
because how can a lamp ever compare to a bonfire
of greed?.

[Knot]

Hi Shahz,
it's seems a bit confused, to me. I'm not sure 'greed' is the right word (is it?) nor how a flame can 'crumble' but there's something about it that appeals.

My greed is a bonfire
Sustained by my mention of you. ........... do you need 'my' here? And 'mention' doesn't really develop the bonfire metaphor.

As I lay by the fire every night, ........... if 'greed' is the fire, not sure how you 'lay by' it. Do you need that part? Would the line work as
every night I hear it crackle ?
hear it crackle at your very name, ........ not sure what 'very name' means here (similarly the 'very flame' later - it's a specific flame that doesn't seem to have been mentioned before, unless 'greed' is now a flame.)

Sizzle at every detail. ......................... 'every detail' rather lacks detail. What's the reader supposed to image they are? And how is this adding anything to 'crackle at your name'? Do you really need the line?

And I carry inside me a lamp containing .......... I like the lamp idea, but can't see how it relates to the bonfire (which N alse carries inside them)
the very flame that Crumbles when it sees you

because how can a lamp ever compare to a bonfire
of greed?. ......................... I don't know, but then I don't know what distinguishes one from the other. (And you don't need that final period.) Ending the previous line on 'bonfire' seems a bit too arch.


Best, Knot

.

[CRNDLSM]

BONFIRE OF GREED 

My greed is a bonfire
Sustained by my mention of you. If greed is sustained that means you're constantly mentioning 'you'?, like 'i' possess 'you'
As I lay by the fire every night, hear it crackle
at your very name,Sizzle at every
detail. I lay by my possessiveness every night


And I carry inside me a lamp containing I like the difference, when you're camping you use both bonfires and lamps for different things
the very flame that Crumbles when it sees youis this lamp made of the flame from the bonfire of greed? Like a little morsel of possessiveness to guide you when you leave.  But wait, this flame Crumbles? When it see you? Like the greed and possessiveness disappear when you're actually around
because how can a lamp ever compare to a bonfire
of greed?. This last line doesn't work for me, because you are comparing the two, don't ask how when you're already doing it, just a suggestion

I really like the imagery in the phrasing but it is a little confusing. Thanks for sharing 

[Shahzareth]

Hi Shahz,
it's seems a bit confused, to me. I'm not sure 'greed' is the right word (is it?) nor how a flame can 'crumble' but there's something about it that appeals.

My greed is a bonfire
Sustained by my mention of you. ........... do you need 'my' here? And 'mention' doesn't really develop the bonfire metaphor.

As I lay by the fire every night, ........... if 'greed' is the fire, not sure how you 'lay by' it. Do you need that part? Would the line work as
every night I hear it crackle ?
hear it crackle at your very name, ........ not sure what 'very name' means here (similarly the 'very flame' later - it's a specific flame that doesn't seem to have been mentioned before, unless 'greed' is now a flame.)

Sizzle at every detail. ......................... 'every detail' rather lacks detail. What's the reader supposed to image they are? And how is this adding anything to 'crackle at your name'? Do you really need the line?

And I carry inside me a lamp containing .......... I like the lamp idea, but can't see how it relates to the bonfire (which N alse carries inside them)
the very flame that Crumbles when it sees you

because how can a lamp ever compare to a bonfire
of greed?. ......................... I don't know, but then I don't know what distinguishes one from the other. (And you don't need that final period.) Ending the previous line on 'bonfire' seems a bit too arch.


Best, Knot

.

Hi,Wow very valuable insights thankyou.

Yes greed is the right word the idea was greed/possessiveness for her,
crumble as in my control slowly falls apart when i see her ( explained in detail later )

You are right 'my' was unnecessary.
should i have developed the metaphor for bonfire before saying it is sustained/kept alive by her mention?

'lay by it' being with my greed speaking to it.
'very name' meaning the fire gets excited when i mention her.
i agree 'every detail' lacks detail (ironic) i will work on that.

The idea of lamp was i try to carry inside me a small part of possessiveness because i cant show it all as it might push her away
but as soon as i see her i loose control hence the small flame crumbles 

The idea of final line was as much as i would like to control myself i cant because i feel possessiveness towards her so hence greed is much greater than my control ( because how can a lamp ever compare to a bonfire )

Thankyou for your feedback knot i realised i should've expressed myself much clearly.

---

BONFIRE OF GREED 

My greed is a bonfire
Sustained by my mention of you. If greed is sustained that means you're constantly mentioning 'you'?, like 'i' possess 'you'
As I lay by the fire every night, hear it crackle
at your very name,Sizzle at every
detail. I lay by my possessiveness every night


And I carry inside me a lamp containing I like the difference, when you're camping you use both bonfires and lamps for different things
the very flame that Crumbles when it sees youis this lamp made of the flame from the bonfire of greed? Like a little morsel of possessiveness to guide you when you leave.  But wait, this flame Crumbles? When it see you? Like the greed and possessiveness disappear when you're actually around
because how can a lamp ever compare to a bonfire
of greed?. This last line doesn't work for me, because you are comparing the two, don't ask how when you're already doing it, just a suggestion

I really like the imagery in the phrasing but it is a little confusing. Thanks for sharing 

---

BONFIRE OF GREED 

My greed is a bonfire
Sustained by my mention of you. If greed is sustained that means you're constantly mentioning 'you'?, like 'i' possess 'you'
As I lay by the fire every night, hear it crackle
at your very name,Sizzle at every
detail. I lay by my possessiveness every night


And I carry inside me a lamp containing I like the difference, when you're camping you use both bonfires and lamps for different things
the very flame that Crumbles when it sees youis this lamp made of the flame from the bonfire of greed? Like a little morsel of possessiveness to guide you when you leave.  But wait, this flame Crumbles? When it see you? Like the greed and possessiveness disappear when you're actually around
because how can a lamp ever compare to a bonfire
of greed?. This last line doesn't work for me, because you are comparing the two, don't ask how when you're already doing it, just a suggestion

I really like the imagery in the phrasing but it is a little confusing. Thanks for sharing 

Hi thankyou for your feedback i will explain the poem
yes it was about possessiveness/greed which are the same in this poem 

I lay by my possessiveness every night .... exactly i lay by it every night and talk to it

Yes the lamp is a little part of my greed little because its control which crumbles when i see her as the feeling to posses her is much larger than my control hope that makes sense

so i compared the two in the end as a way of showing the feeling of greed/possessiveness are much larger than my control

thankyou i will better my phrasing next time

[Knot]

Hi Shahz,

Yes greed is the right word the idea was greed/possessiveness for her,

One is normally greedy for objects. Is the point here that N sees 'her' as an object?

Incidentally, would 'wildfire' be more apt than 'bonfire'?

crumble as in my control slowly falls apart when i see her ( explained in detail later )

Crumble is to fall/fragment into smaller pieces, this is not what flames do (and the flame is not your 'control' is it, but that which you are/are not controlling.) Have you looked at 'gutter'?

should i have developed the metaphor for bonfire before saying it is sustained/kept alive by her mention?

Sustained and kept alive aren't necessarily the same thing. And what does 'mention' mean? Is it just her name, some particular fact about her, what? How exactly is she fuel for this particular fire?

'lay by it' being with my greed speaking to it.

Okay but how does this differ from L2 (isn't that what is happening there? Aren't you just repeating the idea?)

Also, since you've already established the bonfire, you might simply say

As I lay/lie beside it

'very name' meaning the fire gets excited when i mention her.

Isn't this established in line 2, the 'mention of you'?

The idea of lamp was i try to carry inside me a small part of possessiveness

So where is the bonfire if you're carrying the lamp?

because i cant show it all as it might push her away

Right, but then are you carrying the Lamp or displaying it? The Lamp being the 'respectable face' of the Bonfire.

but as soon as i see her i loose control hence the small flame crumbles

Okay, but wouldn't a loss of control lead in the opposite direction, a conflagration?

The idea of final line was as much as i would like to control myself i cant

excuses, excuses

because i feel possessiveness towards her so hence greed is much greater than my control

The one doesn't necessarily follow from the other, but again, this seems like conflagration, not crumbling.

( because how can a lamp ever compare to a bonfire )

Well, you have me thinking about the lamps in lighthouses, compared to the bonfires of watchtowers (and becoming more and more certain that 'bonfire' is the wrong word.

What would happen if you started with that thought? That what should be a Lamp (something useful that lights one's way) is a Wildfire (forever hungry and uncontrolled) and what will you do about it?

Best, Knot

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