Retinal Persistence*

[71degrees]

The last look a blur,
a swift sweep of laughter

after the fan of her fingers
on her knee caught
the rest of her
quite still—

she was dead
by the time she hit
her head on the floor

(*phenomenon by which an image persists
for one twenty-fifth of a second on the retina)

[rowens]

The last look a blur,
a swift sweep of laughter

after the fan of her fingers
on her knee caught
the rest of her
quite still—


The first line works in how it asks for a comma and doesn't get one because, well, you know, unless I'm reaching.

The laughter after rhyme adds to this visual-word contextual play.

she was dead
by the time she hit
her head on the floor


I was going to suggest:

she was dead 
by the time
she hit her head on the floor

But that would ruin the emphasis on hit. 

Time would work with emphasis, given your note. 
Still, dead/hit/floor works


(*phenomenon by which an image persists
for one twenty-fifth of a second on the retina)

[Wjames]

The last look a blur,
a swift sweep of laughter  Is the laughter coming from her assailant, or herself? Was there even an assailant, or was it another form of death?

after the fan of her fingers
on her knee caught I like this line break
the rest of her
quite still—

she was dead
by the time she hit another interesting line break - did she hit something else as well?
her head on the floor

(*phenomenon by which an image persists
for one twenty-fifth of a second on the retina)

Hey, this is interesting and made me read and re-read it a few times. I'm not sure exactly what transpired, and it makes me think and wonder. 

As I don't know what was happening in the poem, it's difficult to critique per se, so I just wrote some of the things I wondered, maybe of some use.

I don't think not knowing exactly what is going on is a problem, it adds some intrigue - but, adding an extra clue or two might be nice. Or maybe what happened is clear and I'm a dunce.

[Mark A Becker]

Hello degrees-

Some in-line comments follow.

The last look a blur, first person, so far. A brief image of the 'last thing you see'
a swift sweep of laughter the auditory sense seems out of place

after the fan of her fingers
on her knee caught
the rest of her
quite still— third person 'her' pulls me abruptly out of the first person experience

she was dead third person does work here to describe the scene
by the time she hit
her head on the floor

How the poem reads for me: a woman stroking out at a gathering (gathering suggested to me by 'laughter). It is an interesting subject- the last thing someone may see, and the millisecond of retinal persistence capturing the last moment before death.

Below, I removed 'her', and rearranged lines to maintain first person in the first stanza, and third person is only present in the second stanza. I moved 'laughter' to the second stanza since it indicates the presence of an observer, or observers. The only word I changed was 'knee' to 'knees'; the only words I added were 'stopped’ and ‘as’; some words subtracted, no others added. Just trying to fix the 'person' issue, but it's your poem, of course, and there are plenty of other options.


The last look a blur,
a swift sweep of the fan
of fingers on knees

laughter stopped
dead
as her head hit the floor


ps- This one kinda, sorta reminded me of Randall Jarrells's 'Death of the Ball Turret Gunner'. His poem is first person, until the final line, when we find out that the N was already dead..

[RiverNotch]

This seems fairly straightforward, and an effective enough picture. The drama in the second stanza is done skillfully enough, with the lines gradually contracting, then the pause elicited by the em dash, then suddenly "she was dead".

The two notes I'd give are:
> The way the title is formatted is distracting, at least in an online context: it makes me think you've already edited this piece or something. I'm also counting that parenthetical as an actual part of the piece, and the way those two lines are formatted: I can't detect what the intended effect is, so it just seems kinda haphazard.

I would remove all asterisks and move that final note to the very beginning of the piece. Something like:

Retinal Persistence,


or the phenomenon by which an image
perists on the retina
for one twenty-fifth of a second.

> My other note is to put a period after "floor". It makes the "death" feel more final....but then again, maybe you don't intend to make it feel so final, in which case I do wonder why.

[mariematisse]

One small suggestion

How about

she was gone
before she hit
her head
on the floor

To me, the word dead renders what follows as denouement .