Bedridden

[micah3801]

Bedridden

lover of mine,
you cling to me as
sleep to my eyes.
bed of mine,
you smother me,
hold me,
love me,
let me
          hate you.
tender devil,
pressure monster,
horizontal force of nature,
lay here
lay here
let me
          hate you.

[RiverNotch]

"bed" to me is the less literal subject, so i feel it should come before "lover". you can probably also cut out some of these lines. here's a start:

bed of mine,
you hold me.
pillow of mine,*
you smother me.
tender devil,
pressure monster,
horizontal force of nature:**
lover of mine,
i hate you.***

*-i find it's pillows or sheets that tend to smother, not beds.

**-these three lines are probably the "crux" of your poem, but personally i find them rather dull. calling someone "horizontal" -- and one has to assume the speaker's ultimate subject here is a someone -- can be very funny, by way of A Comedy of Errors or Henry IV, and i say this as someone who is far from the pinnacle of good health, but "force of nature", by being so generic, kinda deflates it, pun intended.

***-"lay here" and "let me" are lines that especially demand to be removed, i think. maybe "let me / hate you" has some larger significance i'm missing, but in this particular instance i'm not compelled to find out what.