two gloves

[Mark A Becker]

two gloves

I hope, in memory of me,
you’ll see a cloudless evening,
us standing out back
on a cool green patch of grass,
just playing catch.

[brynmawr1]

in memory

I hope, in memory of me,
you’ll see a cloudless evening,
us standing out back
on a cool green patch of grass,
just playing catch.

Hi Mark,
Nice piece.  Though I hope it isn't foreshadowing!  I need you to stick around or my poems will just get longer and longer!
One small suggestion would be to make "In Memory of Me" the title and just shift the phrasing accordingly.  
Thanks for the read,
steve

[Bunx]

I love this ❤️

[Mark A Becker]

Hi Mark,
Nice piece.  Though I hope it isn't foreshadowing!  I need you to stick around or my poems will just get longer and longer!
One small suggestion would be to make "In Memory of Me" the title and just shift the phrasing accordingly.  
Thanks for the read,
steve

Hello Steve,
I plan on being around to bother you.
I changed the title, and made another edit, too.
Thanks for that suggestion.
Mark

[Wjames]

Really lovely one Mark - and the title change strengthens it.

[Bunx]

I just wanted to elaborate on way I love this. I feel like personally with complicated life can be. I strive for simplicity, fun, presentness. This poem has all of that. Don't remember anything but these simple times

It reminds me of me and Dad playing catch, my brother working on his pitching arm against our stout garage door

[Magpie]

Really nice poem.

Like the title change, it gives it more focus.

I prefer the inclusion of 'on a cool' in the first version. It's more evocative.

[Knot]

Hi Mark,
the title change lift this considerably. I also agree with AR about 'cool green'. I do wonder if you need 'in memory of  me' - it seems a bit heavy handed.
Just a thought.

Someday, I hope you’ll see
a cloudless evening
and us, standing out back ..................... do wonder if 'standing' isn't a little static?
on a cool green patch of grass,
just playing catch.


Best, Knot

.

[Mark A Becker]

Really nice poem.

Like the title change, it gives it more focus.

I prefer the inclusion of 'on a cool' in the first version. It's more evocative.

Yep. Made the change back. Think it works better, too
Thanks,
Mark