Sex Death and Sour Cream

[Bunx]

Sex Death and Sour Cream

What we are 
in my most humble opinion 
is a collection of 
sex, in a stew
of death.

Ancestors are aromatic
in the air,
lingering memories.

Umami, humanity
pungent extension
of aromatic spores
mushrooming connections.

Found family and genetic 
a melting pot
of pain, love, ancestors rotten
their worried fears forgotten.

Mycelial networks of
lies and buried truths.
Keep the heat to simmer.

Combinations flavors anew
time could make
a better stew.

I'll eat any stew,
one sip at
the tip of tongue.

Waiting for it to cool
add the beets
hold sour cream.

[Knot]

Hi Bunx,
great title, and a promising start. The first two verses work well, but then it seems to wander off. The next three verses don't read as well (the tone, if nothing else, seems slightly out of key) but then it finishes well.

Is there a better word than 'collection'?  Seems most un-stew like.
Do you need 'smells' in S2? Aromatic rather has that covered, don't you think?


Best, Knot

.

[Bunx]

Thanks Knot I'll look it over!

Did a quick edit! Thanks for the read and solid suggestions.
Makes the poem less gross haha

I added Umami in there for the foodies

[Knot]

Hi Bunx,

like the addition of mushrooms/networks of lies (but have you got aromatic in there again? Were you aiming for mycelium?)

What we are

in my most humble opinion

is a collection of

sex, in a stew

of death.

a melting pot

of feelings, love, and ancestors

fears forgotten over time.

Ancestors are aromatic

in the air,

lingering memories.

Found family and genetic

represent sex .......... rather a bald statement (and so what? Not sure what point you're trying to make.) Perhaps you could simply cut 'represent sex' and add 'found family or genetic' to the end of the preceding verse?

Umami earth is sadly

growing small through airomatic

underground mushrooms.

Networks of

lies and buried truths.

About to boil over. ............ definitely something in these two verses. Not sure they are in the right order though. Maybe something a bit more concise?

Networks of

lies and buried truths.

Mushrooming underground.

And how does 'buried' lead to 'boil over'?

Melting anew

time could make

a better stew? ............. don't think you need this. You certainly don't need the question.

The thing is

I'll eat any stew,

add the beet

hold sour cream. ......... might there be a line missing in this verse? Something like

The thing is

I'll eat my stew

as it comes

just add the beet

and hold the sour cream.

Of course, trying to figure out what 'beet' and 'sour cream' might mean alongside the mushrooms and the aromatics is a puzzle, but not necessarily a bad one. Mystery being a spice after all

Maybe slow down and savour this one? A good stew can't be hurried after all.

Best, Knot

.

[Bunx]

Thanks Knot! I'll give it some time and (unrushed) thought

Thanks again for the thoughtful and good feedback after my next edit I'll explain the symbolism of
"Boiled over" 
"Sour Cream"
"Beet"

[Bunx]

Boil over- global warming / war
Mushrooms mycelial - internet
Sour cream - disgusting ancestral conflict
Beet - Beat
Umami - compromise

[Knot]

Hi Bunx,
hmmm. I wonder if you need the political? The poem seems strongest when addressing the personal. I think the keyword is 'humble'.

Best, Knot

.

[Bunx]

That's a good point

---

I feel like political is a matter of interpretation war is apart / conflict/ infomation humanity until proven otherwise.
Maybe this could be a call to say that old ways don't work when we as function as if the earth itself? Haha I don't know. I'll think it over

Ok knot I agree with the poem being better without the political one two.
I changed a few choices words.

Let me know what you think. I like it more less gross let's politically gross hahaha

[carahmellow]

Sex Death and Sour Cream

What we are 
in my most humble opinion 
is a collection of 
sex, in a stew
of death. love this stanza... very compelling. I love straight to the point moments in a sea of flowery writing.. it adds punch.

Ancestors are aromatic
in the air,
lingering memories.

Umami, humanity
pungent extension
of aromatic spores
mushrooming underground.

Found family and genetic 
a melting pot
of feelings, love, and ancestors
fears forgotten. 

Mycelial networks of
lies and buried truths.
Keep the heat to simmer.

Combinations new
time could make
a better stew.

I'll eat any stew,
one sip at
the tip of tongue.

Waiting for it to cool
add the beets
hold sour cream.

There is definitely something about this poem I really like. Probably one of my favorites I have read of yours. I found myself thinking about the stanzas and enjoying the process of deciphering the lines. though I do think it lacks a bit of flow at times. especially near the end, but The beginning was really strong. I also did not catch any of that symbolism until I read your responses. It was a bit to vague for a reader, but great for your own knowlege.

[Bunx]

Hey Carah thanks aton!! So stoked you like my poems, I've been meaning to get to yours! I love them all so far too.

As far as this poem goes I've edited it a bunch thinking it might have been worse off with the edits. I'll trying and tighten up the flow and see what I can do the strengthen the message as a whole.

Edit- I tightened up the language surrounding the other theme hoping that it highlights a better flow...

Thanks again Carah