Allamanda v2

[RiverNotch]

Allamanda


These flowers once were novel love,
were showers from a cloudless sky,
or else were passion workmanlike,
were shafts of early morning light,

but now their common names are apt:
but now they're simply tolling bells
or else they're trumpets longing for
the breath of angels.

These flowers once were like new love,
like showers from a cloudless sky,
or else like love well-tested, shafts
of early morning light,

but now their common name is apt:
but now they're simply tolling bells
or trumpets waiting for the breath
of angels.

[Magpie]

Hi River this is beautiful, I think it slightly suffers due to the structure you have used. Not sure if it is a specific format. I left a couple of notes.

Allamanda


These flowers once were like new love,
like showers from a cloudless sky,  -- the metaphor would be stronger here, don't need like, but syllable count
or else like love well-tested, shafts -- another like here, a lot of 'like' in this stanza -- enjambment seems awkward just for the sake of the syllable count
of early morning light,

but now their common name is apt:
but now they're simply tolling bells  
or trumpets waiting for the breath -- can you toll a trumpet, 'tolling' could be changed to 'sounding' but it's not as good a word and you need to keep 'trumpets' as that's what the flowers are. Decisions, decisions...
of angels.

I like it and the path it lead me on to read about them also.
Cheers for the read.

[RiverNotch]

thanks, edited first stanza (not sure how well -- also not sure how to do second)

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"or else they're trumpets longing for
the breath of angels"?

or is that enjambment too much

[Mark A Becker]

thanks, edited first stanza (not sure how well -- also not sure how to do second)

---

"or else they're trumpets longing for
the breath of angels"?

or is that enjambment too much

Hi River- I like the enjambment better, breaking on ‘for’

Also like the subtle near rhymes- they add an appropriate softness.

[RiverNotch]

i'll go with that, then, thanks