| 
		
	
	
	
		
	Posts: 73Threads: 18
 Joined: Oct 2024
 
	
	
		Static
 The static in my mind is constant,
 Always a reminder
 Of the clarity others feel—
 Their ability to listen while I try to conceal
 The fact that information goes in one ear
 And out the other.
 I’m always in,
 Always out,
 Trying to keep my brain from shorting out.
 
 It’s relentless.
 
 I sit ready to learn;
 This time will be different.
 Again, I feel my stomach churn
 At the realization
 That my imagination
 Won.
 
 “Get up, Carah. Get shit done.
 Your house won’t clean itself.”
 It’s a brick wall
 Standing in my way,
 As if to say, “Just wait…
 Wait another day.”
 
 The static in my mind is constant.
 Always there,
 Pushing away the rest,
 Like an unwanted guest
 Hijacking my consciousness,
 Controlling me.
 
 I try to regain
 My stubborn brain,
 Grab it with both hands
 and wrestle it to the ground,
 But I am weak;
 My confidence is bleak.
 
 “Just work harder, Carah.
 Listen.
 Just make it your mission.”
 But without conscious volition,
 I fade away.
 
 Fade into that place
 Where fantasy takes up space,
 Inspiration takes hold,
 Questions unfold,
 And creativity is bold.
 That addictive daze,
 That unconscious haze,
 So bright and vividly burning.
 
 Then—
 Snap!
 
 I’m back,
 Back to the shame,
 The frustration with my brain,
 The relentless blame.
 
 “It’s your fault, Carah.
 Just focus.”
 
		
	 
	
	
	
		
	Posts: 326Threads: 90
 Joined: Apr 2013
 
	
	
		 (11-12-2024, 03:50 PM)carahmellow Wrote:  Static  - consider different title as 'static' is mentioned a couple of times within the poem. A well considered title can sometimes make a lot of difference to a poem Hi Carah, I enjoyed the poem on the whole and the concept that you were portraying, I just left a few notes above.
Cheers for the read
 The static in my mind is constant,  - I like the contradiction in this line, the idea of something 'static' being 'constant'
 Always a reminder - 'always' seems redundant here because of 'constant'
 Of the clarity others feel—
 Their ability to listen while I try to conceal
 The fact that information goes in one ear
 And out the other. - 'in one ear...' bit cliché
 
 I’m always in,
 I'm always out,
 Trying to keep my brain from shorting out. - I like this as a refrain with the possible slight alteration
 
 It’s relentless. - possibly seems redundant
 
 I sit ready to learn;
 This time will be different.
 Again, I feel my stomach churn
 At the realization
 That my imagination
 Won.   - not so sure about this stanza, careful of forced rhyme for the sake of it
 
 “Get up, Carah. Get shit done.  - because the poem is definitely about the narrator then I don't think you need to mention your name. On all three occasions you use it in the poem it would work equally as well without it. It's your choice you may have a reason for making it personal
 Your house won’t clean itself.”
 It’s a brick wall
 Standing in my way,
 As if to say, “Just wait…
 Wait another day.”
 
 The static in my mind is constant.
 Always there,
 Pushing away the rest,
 Like an unwanted guest
 Hijacking my consciousness,
 Controlling me.
 
 I try to regain
 My stubborn brain,
 Grab it with both hands
 and wrestle it to the ground,
 But I am weak;
 My confidence is bleak.  - this stanza seems awkward, the idea of grabbing your brain and wrestling it to the ground with both hands is odd. I know what you mean, you can wrestle with your mind (which would be a cliché), but are there other ways of expressing this.
 
 “Just work harder, Carah.
 Listen.
 Just make it your mission.”
 But without conscious volition,
 I fade away.  - I think this stanza could be trimmed and joined with the next stanza which is good.
 
 Fade into that place
 Where fantasy takes up space,
 Inspiration takes hold, - repetition of takes could be better changed
 Questions unfold,
 And creativity is bold.
 That addictive daze,
 That unconscious haze,
 So bright and vividly burning. - really like this stanza, it reads smoothly and seems to be the essence of what the poem is
 
 Then—
 Snap!
 
 I’m back,
 Back to the shame,
 The frustration with my brain,
 The relentless blame.
 
 “It’s your fault, Carah.
 Just focus.”
 
 wae aye man ye radgie 
		
	 
	
	
	
		
	Posts: 952Threads: 225
 Joined: Aug 2016
 
	
		
		
 11-14-2024, 06:36 AM 
		 (11-12-2024, 03:50 PM)carahmellow Wrote:  Static
 The static in my mind is constant,
 Always a reminder
 Of the clarity others feel— not sure how much clarity others feel, is static clear in a way? Or is it a distraction
 Their ability to listen while I try to conceal
 The fact that information goes in one ear
 And out the other. They're listening to you not listening but trying to listen, are they talking or they static as well like you
 I’m always in,
 Always out,
 Trying to keep my brain from shorting out.
 Out and out...
 It’s relentless.
 
 I sit ready to learn;
 This time will be different.
 Again, I feel my stomach churn
 At the realization
 That my imagination
 Won.
 
 “Get up, Carah. Get shit done.
 Your house won’t clean itself.”
 It’s a brick wall
 Standing in my way,
 As if to say, “Just wait…
 Wait another day.”
 This is starting to remind me of 90s rap
 The static in my mind is constant.
 Always there,
 Pushing away the rest,
 Like an unwanted guest
 Hijacking my consciousness,
 Controlling me.
 
 I try to regain
 My stubborn brain,
 Grab it with both hands
 and wrestle it to the ground,
 But I am weak;
 My confidence is bleak.
 
 “Just work harder, Carah.
 Listen.
 Just make it your mission.”make it your mission to listen? Or work harder, or work harder at listening
 But without conscious volition,
 I fade away.
 
 Fade into that place
 Where fantasy takes up space,
 Inspiration takes hold,
 Questions unfold,
 And creativity is bold.
 That addictive daze,
 That unconscious haze,
 So bright and vividly burning.
 
 Then—
 Snap!
 
 I’m back,
 Back to the shame,
 The frustration with my brain,
 The relentless blame.
 
 “It’s your fault, Carah. Is this the same person saying listen and work harder and get shit done or is this you telling yourself, and i don't know what happened for there to be blame and fault other than maybe someone told you something important and you didn't retain it which led to dire consequences.
 Just focus.”
 
It sounds like you're having fun describing a frustrating characteristic of yourself.  I think it would have a bigger payoff showing us the consequences.  I want to put it to a beat.  Thanks for sharing
	 
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
 
		
	 
	
	
	
		
	Posts: 438Threads: 374
 Joined: Sep 2014
 
	
	
		Static
 The static in my mind is constant,
 
 I'd cross out The, though The adds emphasis to the particular.
 
 
 Always a reminder
 Of the clarity others feel—
 
 Yes, the or that. Or, simply, Of clarity others . . .
 
 
 
 Their ability to listen while I try to conceal
 The fact that information goes in one ear
 And out the other.
 
 Out one ear and in another . . . ?
 Why?  . . .
 A play of how what you learn goes out, and what you are obsessed with comes right back in.
 
 
 
 I’m always in,
 Always out,
 Trying to keep my brain from shorting out.
 
 This adds to the last stanza.
 But do you need this stanza at all? At all?
 
 
 It’s relentless.
 
 Yes? But what is?
 
 Relentless.
 
 
 
 
 I sit ready to learn;
 This time will be different.
 Again, I feel my stomach churn
 At the realization
 That my imagination
 Won.
 
 “Get up, Carah. Get shit done.
 Your house won’t clean itself.”
 It’s A brick wall
 Standing in my way,
 As if to say,
 “Just wait…
 Wait another day.”
 
 The Static in my mind is constant.
 Always there,
 Pushing away the rest,
 Like an unwanted guest
 Hijacking my consciousness,
 Controlling me.
 
 I try to regain
 My stubborn brain,
 Grab it with both hands
 and wrestle it to the ground,
 But I am weak;
 My confidence is bleak.
 
 “Just work harder, Carah.
 Listen.
 Just make it your mission.”
 But without conscious volition,
 I fade away,
 
 Fade into that place
 where fantasy takes up space,
 Inspiration takes hold,
 Questions unfold,
 And creativity is bold.
 That addictive daze,
 That unconscious haze,
 So bright and vividly burning.
 
 Then—
 Snap
 
 I’m back, back to the shame,.
 The frustration with my brain,
 The relentless blame.
 
 “It’s your fault, Carah.
 Just focus.”
 
		
	 |