Nothing but net

[Gerryswo]

NOTHING BUT NET

Revision 1

The ball arched silently through the night
like a small moon
eclipsed against a wash of white light,
followed by a swish of net
and the thump of leather on the cracked black court.
The boy, facing invisible opponents,
grunted with exertion,
twisted, turned,
stopped, leapt,
shot.
Nothing but net.
His game echoed off the scarred brick face of abandoned hope
until he finally walked past the light
into the night,
thankful for the short time when he could forget,
not ready to go home yet,
reaching into his pocket for a cigarette.


If you listened
you could almost hear the ball
as it arched through the night,
silhouetted against the white light,
followed by a swish as it was constrained
briefly by the net
before thumping against the hard black surface.
Then the heaving grunt of exertion,
the singular slap of rubber on tar,
the silence,
the silence,
the thud of leather against a ring of iron.
The silence.
The repetition.
Finally, the boy, not even breathing hard,
walking past the light
into the night,
thankful for the short time when he could forget,
not ready to go home yet,
reaching into his pocket for a cigarette.

[Magpie]

Yeah, my Britishness got me on this one again. But I got there in the end.

NOTHING BUT NET  - after googling this I'm inclined to say it's a cliché. it is well referenced  

If you listened
you could almost hear the ball - these opening lines seem awkward. If you can almost hear something then you can't hear it. So to listen for something that you can't hear is kind of redundant. 
To be honest I would argue that you could hear a ball moving through the air if you listened closely, so you could remove 'almost'??? Your call
as it arched through the night,
silhouetted against the white light,
followed by a swish as it was constrained
briefly by the net       - do you need this? is it implied? or even 'swish of the net'
before thumping against the hard black surface. - 'hard black surface' got me here.. 'asphalt' 
Then the heaving grunt of exertion,
the singular slap of rubber on tar,   
the silence,
the silence,
the thud of leather against a ring of iron.
The silence.
The repetition.  - don't really need all these articles
Finally, the boy, not even breathing hard,
walks ing past the light
into the night,
thankful for the short time when he could forget,
not ready to go home yet,
reaching into his pocket for a cigarette.

I like the poem although I'm not sure if I'm getting the whole story, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.
Escapism through basketball. I find the cigarette line intriguing.

Cheers for the read

[Valerie Please]

FFS, Magpie . . . after your British, google-aided analysis, I feel I have to step in and give the poem the correct read. 

An American read. 

Gerryswo, here you go:

NOTHING BUT NET (For our soccer-loving cousins, this means that someone is hugely successful . . . I like it as a contrast to the rest of the depiction of the poem. Ignore the people who don't get this reference immediately and keep it.)

If you listened
you could almost hear the ball
as it arched through the night,
silhouetted against the white light,
followed by a swish as it was constrained
briefly by the net
before thumping against the hard black surface. -OK after dragging MP, I'm going to agree with some of his analysis. I like the first line "If you listened" because the central figure of this poem doesn't seem to be anyone of consequence. So the line "if you listened" is a great place to start IMO, because it indicts the readers as part of an uncaring world. But MP is right, instead of saying "almost hear" why not use another sonic device? "The whispered arc of the ball" or something like that. This poem wants to play with sound and rhythm. Why not lean into that and do it?


Then the heaving grunt of exertion,
the singular slap of rubber on tar,
the silence,
the silence,
the thud of leather against a ring of iron.
The silence.
The repetition.
Basketball is all about rhythm and you're on the verge of bringing the sound of it into the poem. But instead of saying "the repetition" make it repetitive. Don't tell me, bring me there. "The grunt, slap, thud, slap-slap-slap swish." And the detail of the tar makes me feel like it's an outdoor court. Is there that echo effect off buildings? The white light you mentioned above, is it a street light? Is it buzzing? Exploit the sensory details.

Finally, the boy, not even breathing hard, Can we make this line smoother and more descriptive? "The boy, breathing easy, saunters past the light"
walking past the light
into the night,
thankful for the short time when he could forget, The poem turns on this line, this is where we go from success to reality. Can we make it less cliche? Maybe make it a turn around of expectations "remembering that he wanted to forget"
not ready to go home yet,
reaching into his pocket for a cigarette. Touchdown. 

Thanks for a read, I'd be interested to see what you do with it.

xo,
Val

[Gerryswo]

Thank you for your excellent critique. I agree the opening needs some work.
Shame on me for digging harder for "asphalt" For the life of me I couldn't come up with that word, though it was that or something like it that I wanted. "constrained by net" was a bit wordy.
Godd points to consider.

Yeah, my Britishness got me on this one again. But I got there in the end.

NOTHING BUT NET  - after googling this I'm inclined to say it's a cliché. it is well referenced  

If you listened
you could almost hear the ball - these opening lines seem awkward. If you can almost hear something then you can't hear it. So to listen for something that you can't hear is kind of redundant. 
To be honest I would argue that you could hear a ball moving through the air if you listened closely, so you could remove 'almost'??? Your call
as it arched through the night,
silhouetted against the white light,
followed by a swish as it was constrained
briefly by the net       - do you need this? is it implied? or even 'swish of the net'
before thumping against the hard black surface. - 'hard black surface' got me here.. 'asphalt' 
Then the heaving grunt of exertion,
the singular slap of rubber on tar,   
the silence,
the silence,
the thud of leather against a ring of iron.
The silence.
The repetition.  - don't really need all these articles
Finally, the boy, not even breathing hard,
walks ing past the light
into the night,
thankful for the short time when he could forget,
not ready to go home yet,
reaching into his pocket for a cigarette.

I like the poem although I'm not sure if I'm getting the whole story, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.
Escapism through basketball. I find the cigarette line intriguing.

Cheers for the read

---

Thank you for your insightful critique.
Show, don't tell. I've mentioned that to others in my critiques. I need to take my own advice.
Better descriptive passages. I agree. Useful tools for an edit.

FFS, Magpie . . . after your British, google-aided analysis, I feel I have to step in and give the poem the correct read. 

An American read. 

Gerryswo, here you go:

NOTHING BUT NET (For our soccer-loving cousins, this means that someone is hugely successful . . . I like it as a contrast to the rest of the depiction of the poem. Ignore the people who don't get this reference immediately and keep it.)

If you listened
you could almost hear the ball
as it arched through the night,
silhouetted against the white light,
followed by a swish as it was constrained
briefly by the net
before thumping against the hard black surface. -OK after dragging MP, I'm going to agree with some of his analysis. I like the first line "If you listened" because the central figure of this poem doesn't seem to be anyone of consequence. So the line "if you listened" is a great place to start IMO, because it indicts the readers as part of an uncaring world. But MP is right, instead of saying "almost hear" why not use another sonic device? "The whispered arc of the ball" or something like that. This poem wants to play with sound and rhythm. Why not lean into that and do it?


Then the heaving grunt of exertion,
the singular slap of rubber on tar,
the silence,
the silence,
the thud of leather against a ring of iron.
The silence.
The repetition.
Basketball is all about rhythm and you're on the verge of bringing the sound of it into the poem. But instead of saying "the repetition" make it repetitive. Don't tell me, bring me there. "The grunt, slap, thud, slap-slap-slap swish." And the detail of the tar makes me feel like it's an outdoor court. Is there that echo effect off buildings? The white light you mentioned above, is it a street light? Is it buzzing? Exploit the sensory details.

Finally, the boy, not even breathing hard, Can we make this line smoother and more descriptive? "The boy, breathing easy, saunters past the light"
walking past the light
into the night,
thankful for the short time when he could forget, The poem turns on this line, this is where we go from success to reality. Can we make it less cliche? Maybe make it a turn around of expectations "remembering that he wanted to forget"
not ready to go home yet,
reaching into his pocket for a cigarette. Touchdown. 

Thanks for a read, I'd be interested to see what you do with it.

xo,
Val

[Magpie]

Then the heaving grunt of exertion,
the singular slap of rubber on tar,
the silence,
the silence,
the thud of leather against a ring of iron.
The silence.
The repetition.

It occurs to me that this section could be put to better use in the sense that the dunk is about 'rising' which is in alignment with the context of the poem and the escapism. It is in this moment that the boy may feel most free. Is there a way of incorporating this within this section. Just a thought.

---

FFS, Magpie . . . after your British, google-aided analysis, I feel I have to step in and give the poem the correct read. 


reaching into his pocket for a cigarette. Touchdown.  - ffs Valerie wrong sport   

[Gerryswo]

Definitely something to consider. Thank you.

Then the heaving grunt of exertion,
the singular slap of rubber on tar,
the silence,
the silence,
the thud of leather against a ring of iron.
The silence.
The repetition.

It occurs to me that this section could be put to better use in the sense that the dunk is about 'rising' which is in alignment with the context of the poem and the escapism. It is in this moment that the boy may feel most free. Is there a way of incorporating this within this section. Just a thought.

---

FFS, Magpie . . . after your British, google-aided analysis, I feel I have to step in and give the poem the correct read. 


reaching into his pocket for a cigarette. Touchdown.  - ffs Valerie wrong sport   

[Magpie]

aha you've done an edit and nobody knew.

Don't be afraid to bump the thread when you do an edit so that people can see and then perhaps make further comment, it's what it's all about.

I'll get back to you on the edit when I get the chance to read it properly

[Magpie]

NOTHING BUT NET  - I would still argue that this is cliché and seeing as though you've used it in the poem in a way which may not be cliché then it would be a good chance to give it a different title. Treat it as an extra line, something that is not said in the poem 

Revision 1

The ball arched  'A ball arches' silently through the night - comma at the end of line
like a small moon                    - you could drop 'like' hear and the metaphor is stronger than the simile
eclipsed against a wash of white light, - is the light in front of the ball? Or is it getting lost in light behind it? this is awkward - an object can't be eclipsed against another object 

followed by a swish of net - new stanza - could lose 'followed by a' 
and the thump of leather on the cracked black court. - i like 'cracked black court' as opposed to first version - the rest could be made less verbose
The boy, facing invisible opponents, - should be 'A boy' - there are better words than 'invisible' which you could use here to imply that there are opponents off court as well as on
grunted with exertion, - I've just noticed that this is all past tense - present tense 'in the moment' would work better for all of this - so 'grunts, twists, turns' etc...
twisted, turned,
stopped, leapt,
shot.
Nothing but net. - you could put this in quotation marks and then it ain't so cliché 

His game echoed off the scarred brick face of abandoned hope - new stanza - a couple of tense issues in this last bit also - do you need 'of abandoned hope' here? It's in danger of tipping it towards cliché - 'scarred brick face' is good it says 'abandoned hope' for you
until he finally walked past the light
into the night,
thankful for the short time when he could forget,
not ready to go home yet,
reaching into his pocket for a cigarette.

Good, I like the edit. It's a good improvement on the first one. There are a couple of issues with this one but nothing too too major that can't be sorted. I like the idea and what you've done with it.
It's good to see poems getting workshopped.

[Gerryswo]

What does "bump the thread" mean?

aha you've done an edit and nobody knew.

Don't be afraid to bump the thread when you do an edit so that people can see and then perhaps make further comment, it's what it's all about.

I'll get back to you on the edit when I get the chance to read it properly

---

Thank you for your additional critique. You've made some good point for me to ponder.

NOTHING BUT NET  - I would still argue that this is cliché and seeing as though you've used it in the poem in a way which may not be cliché then it would be a good chance to give it a different title. Treat it as an extra line, something that is not said in the poem 

Revision 1

The ball arched  'A ball arches' silently through the night - comma at the end of line
like a small moon                    - you could drop 'like' hear and the metaphor is stronger than the simile
eclipsed against a wash of white light, - is the light in front of the ball? Or is it getting lost in light behind it? this is awkward - an object can't be eclipsed against another object 

followed by a swish of net - new stanza - could lose 'followed by a' 
and the thump of leather on the cracked black court. - i like 'cracked black court' as opposed to first version - the rest could be made less verbose
The boy, facing invisible opponents, - should be 'A boy' - there are better words than 'invisible' which you could use here to imply that there are opponents off court as well as on
grunted with exertion, - I've just noticed that this is all past tense - present tense 'in the moment' would work better for all of this - so 'grunts, twists, turns' etc...
twisted, turned,
stopped, leapt,
shot.
Nothing but net. - you could put this in quotation marks and then it ain't so cliché 

His game echoed off the scarred brick face of abandoned hope - new stanza - a couple of tense issues in this last bit also - do you need 'of abandoned hope' here? It's in danger of tipping it towards cliché - 'scarred brick face' is good it says 'abandoned hope' for you
until he finally walked past the light
into the night,
thankful for the short time when he could forget,
not ready to go home yet,
reaching into his pocket for a cigarette.

Good, I like the edit. It's a good improvement on the first one. There are a couple of issues with this one but nothing too too major that can't be sorted. I like the idea and what you've done with it.
It's good to see poems getting workshopped.

[Magpie]

What does "bump the thread" mean?

resuscitate - write a new reply on it saying you've done an edit and 'bump'

[rowens]

NOTHING BUT NET


The ball arched silently through the night
like a small moon
eclipsed against a wash of white light,
followed by a swish of net
and the thump of leather on the cracked black court.
The boy, facing invisible opponents,
grunted with exertion,
twisted, turned,
stopped, leapt,
shot.
Nothing but net.
His game echoed off the scarred brick face of abandoned hope
until he finally walked past the light
into the night,
thankful for the short time when he could forget,
not ready to go home yet,
reaching into his pocket for a cigarette.


If you listened
you could almost hear the ball
as it arched through the night,
silhouetted against the white light,
followed by a swish as it was constrained
briefly by the net
before thumping against the hard black surface.
Then the heaving grunt of exertion,
the singular slap of rubber on tar,
the silence,
the silence,
the thud of leather against a ring of iron.
The silence.
The repetition.
Finally, the boy, not even breathing hard,
walking past the light
into the night,
thankful for the short time when he could forget,
not ready to go home yet,
reaching into his pocket for a cigarette.

The thing about this poem is that it is muscular with its jagged and repetitious adjectives.
I didn't know that repetitious was a word, or even the right word, until it felt right, and I typed it out, and it was right.
That's the way I see this poem. There's not much about it that looks or sounds right. But are you aiming for right?

[Gerryswo]

I'm a newby here. I don't know if I'm posting poem updates properly. I assume you realize that the poem beginning with "If you listened..." is the initial version of the poem. The updated version begins "The ball arched silently..." I wonder if that might be where your "repetitive adjectives" comment originated. I'm not too sure what you mean by "But are you aiming for right?"

NOTHING BUT NET


The ball arched silently through the night
like a small moon
eclipsed against a wash of white light,
followed by a swish of net
and the thump of leather on the cracked black court.
The boy, facing invisible opponents,
grunted with exertion,
twisted, turned,
stopped, leapt,
shot.
Nothing but net.
His game echoed off the scarred brick face of abandoned hope
until he finally walked past the light
into the night,
thankful for the short time when he could forget,
not ready to go home yet,
reaching into his pocket for a cigarette.


If you listened
you could almost hear the ball
as it arched through the night,
silhouetted against the white light,
followed by a swish as it was constrained
briefly by the net
before thumping against the hard black surface.
Then the heaving grunt of exertion,
the singular slap of rubber on tar,
the silence,
the silence,
the thud of leather against a ring of iron.
The silence.
The repetition.
Finally, the boy, not even breathing hard,
walking past the light
into the night,
thankful for the short time when he could forget,
not ready to go home yet,
reaching into his pocket for a cigarette.

The thing about this poem is that it is muscular with its jagged and repetitious adjectives.
I didn't know that repetitious was a word, or even the right word, until it felt right, and I typed it out, and it was right.
That's the way I see this poem. There's not much about it that looks or sounds right. But are you aiming for right?

---

What does "bump the thread" mean?

resuscitate - write a new reply on it saying you've done an edit and 'bump'

I see. I'll do that from now on. Thank you.

---

NOTHING BUT NET


The ball arched silently through the night
like a small moon
eclipsed against a wash of white light,
followed by a swish of net
and the thump of leather on the cracked black court.
The boy, facing invisible opponents,
grunted with exertion,
twisted, turned,
stopped, leapt,
shot.
Nothing but net.
His game echoed off the scarred brick face of abandoned hope
until he finally walked past the light
into the night,
thankful for the short time when he could forget,
not ready to go home yet,
reaching into his pocket for a cigarette.


If you listened
you could almost hear the ball
as it arched through the night,
silhouetted against the white light,
followed by a swish as it was constrained
briefly by the net
before thumping against the hard black surface.
Then the heaving grunt of exertion,
the singular slap of rubber on tar,
the silence,
the silence,
the thud of leather against a ring of iron.
The silence.
The repetition.
Finally, the boy, not even breathing hard,
walking past the light
into the night,
thankful for the short time when he could forget,
not ready to go home yet,
reaching into his pocket for a cigarette.

The thing about this poem is that it is muscular with its jagged and repetitious adjectives.
I didn't know that repetitious was a word, or even the right word, until it felt right, and I typed it out, and it was right.
That's the way I see this poem. There's not much about it that looks or sounds right. But are you aiming for right?

I'm a newby here. I don't know if I'm posting poem updates properly. I assume you realize that the poem beginning with "If you listened..." is the initial version of the poem. The updated version begins "The ball arched silently..." I wonder if that might be where your "repetitive adjectives" comment originated. I'm not too sure what you mean by "But are you aiming for right?"

[rowens]

The nature, to use that word, of your poem is action. Actions not quite punctured by adjectives but are flexed by them.

Poetry is often a gay kind of reflective act. People will criticize overuse of adjectives.

As this is a poem about action, the adjectives may fit in ways that make this poem appropriately have such adjectives.

I mean that.

[IkeAntic]

NOTHING BUT NET

Revision 1

The ball arched silently through the night      I'm having a problem with using the word "arched." I understand why it is being used, but I find it awkward. Maybe "soared" or "floated" or ... maybe I don't like it because it really isn't a verb?
like a small moon eclipsed                            
eclipsed against a wash of white light,            I would move the word eclipsed to the previous line, to add interest in the read    
followed by a swish of net
and the thump of leather on the cracked black court.
The boy, facing invisible opponents,
grunted with exertion,                                   Maybe you don't need "with exertion"? Make it six single word lines, then "Nothing but net" - I think the staccato effect would add to the actions represented
twisted, turned,
stopped, leapt,
shot.
Nothing but net.
His game echoed off the scarred brick face of abandoned hope      "graffitied" brick face?
until he finally walked past the light                         I think the word "finally" could be improved on, maybe "until he was spent, walking into ..."
into the night,
thankful for the short time when he could forget,
not ready to go home yet,
reaching into his pocket for a cigarette.


If you listened
you could almost hear the ball
as it arched through the night,
silhouetted against the white light,
followed by a swish as it was constrained
briefly by the net
before thumping against the hard black surface.
Then the heaving grunt of exertion,
the singular slap of rubber on tar,
the silence,
the silence,
the thud of leather against a ring of iron.
The silence.
The repetition.
Finally, the boy, not even breathing hard,
walking past the light
into the night,
thankful for the short time when he could forget,
not ready to go home yet,
reaching into his pocket for a cigarette.

Nicely done. It is quite visual, which I enjoy. Thank you for sharing!

[Gerryswo]

Thank you for your learned critique. I don't think I agree with your dislike or arched. It might not be a verb, but I think it presents an image that "soared" or "floated" do not. I think "like a small moon" by itself on a line presents a visual image that I like. I agree with your "exertion" comment. I will incorporate that into the next revision. I agree with a better word than "finally" as well. You presented some good options for improving the next edit. Thank you again.
NOTHING BUT NET

Revision 1

The ball arched silently through the night      I'm having a problem with using the word "arched." I understand why it is being used, but I find it awkward. Maybe "soared" or "floated" or ... maybe I don't like it because it really isn't a verb?
like a small moon eclipsed                            
eclipsed against a wash of white light,            I would move the word eclipsed to the previous line, to add interest in the read    
followed by a swish of net
and the thump of leather on the cracked black court.
The boy, facing invisible opponents,
grunted with exertion,                                   Maybe you don't need "with exertion"? Make it six single word lines, then "Nothing but net" - I think the staccato effect would add to the actions represented
twisted, turned,
stopped, leapt,
shot.
Nothing but net.
His game echoed off the scarred brick face of abandoned hope      "graffitied" brick face?
until he finally walked past the light                         I think the word "finally" could be improved on, maybe "until he was spent, walking into ..."
into the night,
thankful for the short time when he could forget,
not ready to go home yet,
reaching into his pocket for a cigarette.


If you listened
you could almost hear the ball
as it arched through the night,
silhouetted against the white light,
followed by a swish as it was constrained
briefly by the net
before thumping against the hard black surface.
Then the heaving grunt of exertion,
the singular slap of rubber on tar,
the silence,
the silence,
the thud of leather against a ring of iron.
The silence.
The repetition.
Finally, the boy, not even breathing hard,
walking past the light
into the night,
thankful for the short time when he could forget,
not ready to go home yet,
reaching into his pocket for a cigarette.

Nicely done. It is quite visual, which I enjoy. Thank you for sharing!

[Magpie]

I don't think I agree with your dislike or arched. It might not be a verb, but I think it presents an image that "soared" or "floated" do not.

How about 'arcs'?   as in

A ball arcs silently through the night

it ties in to the imagery of moon and eclipses - the arc of a moons path through the sky
'arch' would seem more appropriate to describe a physically seen shape like a bridge or rainbow whereas 'arc' seems better to describe the shape of a path of an object.

just a thought