Beautiful

[bernie99]

Hi guys,




First time poster here. Can you please give me your thoughts on this poem? Please be honest, thank you.



Beautiful



You are beautiful because your eyes are lovely




You are beautiful because you look unbelievably good in your new dress




You are beautiful because your lips are so amazing to kiss




You are beautiful because you are fearfully and wonderfully made




You are beautiful because your skin is so soft




You are beautiful because you have the most perfect... (LOL .. OK I deleted a couple of lines and stopped this section)




Please know you are beautiful

[just mercedes]

Hi bernie99 - I really think this is the wrong place to workshop your poem - 'intensive' means just that. Start off in Basic critique, or post to Mild if you wish. I get the feeling you would be gutted if this poem received an intensive critique..

[tectak]

[quote="bernie99" pid='229521' dateline='1495874678']
Hi guys,




First time poster here. Can you please give me your thoughts on this poem? Please be honest, thank you.



Beautiful



You are beautiful because your eyes are lovely




You are beautiful because you look unbelievably good in your new dress




You are beautiful because your lips are so amazing to kiss




You are beautiful because you are fearfully and wonderfully made




You are beautiful because your skin is so soft




You are beautiful because you have the most perfect... (LOL .. OK I deleted a couple of lines and stopped this section)


Moved for the best reasons.
Mod

[Leanne]

I really want to be encouraging, but... there's just not a lot here to work with.  beautiful and lovely are synonyms, so essentially your first line reads "you are beautiful because your eyes are beautiful"... same deal for "unbelievably good" (and is it really unbelievable that someone who's supposedly so beautiful is going to look good in a dress?).  And I'm going to be absolutely honest with you here:  putting an LOL in the middle of a poem and admitting to not even posting the whole thing is just really bad form.  Why post it at all?

Your writing is full of abstractions.  And we get it, she's a pretty girl, but there's no hint of actual beauty here, no emotive attachment, no indication that you're even looking at a real woman instead of a model in a K-Mart catalogue.  If you want to rewrite, I'd suggest starting with "Your eyes are..." and don't use "lovely".  Use an image.  What do they actually look like, remind you of, make you wish for?

Because "beauty" has been done to death, and by much more practised hands, like this:

"She walks in beauty, like the night 
Of cloudless climes and starry skies; 
And all that’s best of dark and bright 
Meet in her aspect and her eyes; 
Thus mellowed to that tender light 
Which heaven to gaudy day denies." (Lord Byron)

[Vonstevenstien]

Hey bud, I'm new to this as well.  Can I maybe suggest using a few similes?  Like "Your eyes are beautiful, they sparkle like diamonds" I mean, don't use that because it's cliche and kinda cheesy, but you get where I'm going with it.  lol
Keep at it, man.  I'd love to hear the revision or your next work

[Raspberry Lemonade]

Beautiful


You are beautiful because your eyes are lovely A bit bland, but it definitely drills the idea of being beautiful. As someone said before, lovely and beautiful both are similar in context, so might want to change it. 


You are beautiful because you look unbelievably good in your new dress Ah, repetition. This conveys a better image than Line 1, a woman figure with a dress pops up 


You are beautiful because your lips are so amazing to kiss Not a big fan, I guess since kissing is more of an action, but one that I wouldn't apply to kissing. 


You are beautiful because you are fearfully and wonderfully made I like how the adverbs contrast


You are beautiful because your skin is so soft I feel a comparison would do good here


You are beautiful because you have the most perfect... I suggest that this isn't the ending, if you planned on that 

With poetry, you might want to include comparisons and be more elaborate. This sadly didn't do much to me personally. I suggest having four line stanzas beginning with a phrase with beautiful in it. 

Sweet and Sour Love,
Raspberry Lemonade, Aced and Arrowed

[Ja wangana]

Hey I think you can do a lot better just work on this poem more if you could have ended it in a much better way like saying opposite of what you have said above like "even with all that you are beautiful in my eyes" something like that in a way with a better structure

[nibbed]

Hi, Bernie.
I'd take it to my user CP notepad and clean it up, eliminate the repeats and spacing.
I'd also try to save the LOLs for social media sites and private messages, not poetry,
unless writing about something that relates to social networking/computer languaging.
I love your poetry sentiment concerning loving admiration, though. The skin and lips
are a hint this is someone the speaker may know and love. You could actually make
the meat of your poem from these notations, but clean it up by being more creative
and subtle, using adjectives mixed with metaphor.


Best wishes

nibbed

[Ecesis]

hello bernie, i've just recently joined so i will keep this reply short as i'm still browsing/getting to know the site.
i would say regarding this, that before looking for scenes and metaphors to add, it would be pleasant to look for distant words or sounds within them that could really add to the effulgence of the poem. e.g laurel, clepsydra, clou etc. to name a few. though these are objects, sometimes one syllable or letter can really grope at the audiences aptitude for being delighted.

[billy]

all i can do is affirm everything Leanne stated. i'd also add that one beauty/beautiful in a poem is enough, two are too many

I really want to be encouraging, but... there's just not a lot here to work with.  beautiful and lovely are synonyms, so essentially your first line reads "you are beautiful because your eyes are beautiful"... same deal for "unbelievably good" (and is it really unbelievable that someone who's supposedly so beautiful is going to look good in a dress?).  And I'm going to be absolutely honest with you here:  putting an LOL in the middle of a poem and admitting to not even posting the whole thing is just really bad form.  Why post it at all?

Your writing is full of abstractions.  And we get it, she's a pretty girl, but there's no hint of actual beauty here, no emotive attachment, no indication that you're even looking at a real woman instead of a model in a K-Mart catalogue.  If you want to rewrite, I'd suggest starting with "Your eyes are..." and don't use "lovely".  Use an image.  What do they actually look like, remind you of, make you wish for?

Because "beauty" has been done to death, and by much more practised hands, like this:

"She walks in beauty, like the night 
Of cloudless climes and starry skies; 
And all that’s best of dark and bright 
Meet in her aspect and her eyes; 
Thus mellowed to that tender light 
Which heaven to gaudy day denies." (Lord Byron)

[BeauRessa]

Hey Bernie. Im new to critiquing so hopefully you can gather something useful from my comments. to be honest, the beauty theme is a little cheesy BUT it sounds like this poem is directed at someone whom the speaker loves, and its always good to tell a lover they're beautiful. So dont worry about that part. Here are a few suggestions:
1- Mark Twain once said "substitute 'damn' everytime youre inclined to use the word 'very'; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be." So, with that in mind, hyberboles like "unbelievably good" and "so pretty" sound juvenile. Try making a metaphor or similie that conveys the same idea of being extreme.
2- All but one stanza focus on physical beauty. Is that your intention? Physical beauty can sometimes be shallow, but that can still serve a meaningul purpose. What about a deeper level of beauty. It seems like you started to touch on other levels with "fearfully and wonderfully made" (which i presume is an allusion to Pslams 139:14?). Perhaps you could expand on beauty that transcends the physical.
3- On the note of the biblical reference, maybe build from that piece, which says "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made." How does the beauty of the poem's subject make the speaker feel? Why is this persons beauty so important?

Hope this helps and good luck!

[FledglingTroubadour]

I think one bit of advice would be to change the title to "You are beautiful because..." then continue your poem without that line prefacing each description.

[bob@mancity.net]

i know this is an old post but i must say the Lol in the middle almost looks as though the poem has taken about 20 seconds to put together.
Don’t know if the writer came back and improved it or is still writing.

I hope so.
Because it’s a great thing to do 
and everybody has to start somewhere.

Step one achieved 
Having confidence to post something

[Shahzareth]

Hi guys,




First time poster here. Can you please give me your thoughts on this poem? Please be honest, thank you.



Beautiful



You are beautiful because your eyes are lovely 




You are beautiful because you look unbelievably good in your new dress




You are beautiful because your lips are so amazing to kiss




You are beautiful because you are fearfully and wonderfully made




You are beautiful because your skin is so soft




You are beautiful because you have the most perfect... (LOL .. OK I deleted a couple of lines and stopped this section)




Please know you are beautiful

Too simple,Sounds more like statements,You need to use metaphors in a more creative way
for example you could say: 
You are beautiful because your skin is as soft as a tortise shell.

[Gerryswo]

This poem really couldn't keep my attention. Starting each line with "You are beautiful" made me start thinking about other things very quickly. Additionally, I thought you were far too general in your descriptions, bordering on cliches. It didn't feel like you spent much time on the poem, even if you were just testing the waters.

[ton321]

The first line spells disaster..

silence is a tragedy